


we were screaming in colour

by thedagger



Series: cause i made it all for you [1]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Did I Mention Angst?, I'm so bad at writing smut, Louis is Engaged, Louis's wedding, Lust, M/M, Runaway, Separation, Smut, Unresolved Feelings, Unresolved Tension, Wedding, Why Did I Write This?, harry isn't, harry loves Louis, some side ziam, sorry for this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 19:46:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 59,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3500630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedagger/pseuds/thedagger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry returns to London after four years after being invited to Louis's wedding. He knows from the start that this a bad decision, that he shouldn't do this but he can't afford to miss his ex boyfriend's wedding.  After hiding away for years in a different country, he returns to everything he once left behind -- only to be met with unresolved feelings and long lasting lust and love. </p><p>Or</p><p>The fic where Harry loves Louis but can't have him so chose to runaway only to return for the wedding. Only to realise he still loves Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	we were screaming in colour

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S FINALLY FINISHED YAY.
> 
> I have been working so hard on this fic after I got the idea from some random words. I have lost so much motivation for this story but decided to finish it and put it up. It's very angst, keep that in mind but I don't think you guys will be disappointed. I hope! 
> 
> I'd like to give HUGE thanks to my amazing and lovely friend: Tanya who has helped me so much with this story. She has given me ideas, plot holes, constant motivation and support. She is probably the reason why I got my shit together and finished this fic!
> 
> I had originally planned this to be 20k but oops.. I guess? I'm incapable of writing anything short it seems.
> 
> It may feel like there's unnecessary angst at times but.. I guess that's just what I like writing so if angst isn't your thing, exit.
> 
> I'm sorry for any grammatical errors, spelling mistakes or changes of tenses! I tried to edit it all out and correct it but I'm not perfect. 
> 
> Hope you enjoy.
> 
> Jasmine xx
> 
> Twitter: anchorlwts

Harry lands in Heathrow on a Saturday 9am, sleepy and weary and definitely not looking forward to being back in London. It's been the longest time, he can't even remember the last time he walked through the familiar terminals and eyed all the familiar duty free shops - but it's been way longer than he ever imagined to stay away from. It was just that Los Angeles provided a safe haven for him, halfway across the world from London and it was somewhere safe, somewhere Harry could just forget all the things that brought him there in the first place. His whole life is set up there now, he can’t picture not living anywhere else now, finds comfort in his small little house with his wild friends he’s managed to pick up on the way. He wishes he could have the strength to stay right here, besides his mother and his beloved sister, but he was weak and he fled like he knew nothing better. He knew his family needs him as much as he needs them but he decided to be selfish. Harry put himself first and allowed himself to bring this misery even more pain, adding to the pain. 

The wedding invitation sits heavy in his bag, feeling like it weighs a tonne and Harry keeps biting back the distaste he feels as he carries around the bag. 

He would've thought by now, he was over the bright blue eyed boy who completely stole his heart from the tender age of just 12. Being childhood friends, growing up together, falling in love together - but nothing has changed. He still feels the same, his chest still pings the same when the boy crosses his mind and his heart still feels heavy as he recalls every memory. 

He still remembers how his heart dropped when he opened the invitation that had been carefully passed on by a few people to reach to him, especially by Louis. Harry had tried his hardest to keep his life in Los Angeles as ambiguous as he could manage, no one really knowing his new address or phone number. So he was quite surprised how Louis still managed to find him, reach out to him and force this invitation upon him. Like he wants Harry to feel agony, like he wants Harry to sit there at the altar and see how happy Louis is with Josh. 

Well, if Louis's happy, so is Harry. He keeps telling himself that.

Once he collects all his luggage, just a few bags since he isn't staying that long and never wants to return back here again, he starts making his way to the exit where he'll be meeting Liam, one of his best friends (or was) again. He hasn't seen any of his friends for about 4 years now, keeping a safe distance and simply using the excuse that he's too busy in Los Angeles to even think about coming back to London right now. 

He wouldn't be surprised if Liam didn't turn up, refused to, insisted Harry made his own way home by a taxi since he made no effort to meet up with them for the past three years. He wouldn't blame Liam either. He's been a shit friend, keeping his own problems first always and trying to avoid this bleak town where the sun never shines and it feels dull. His house is now taken over by Gemma and her boyfriend, he has no reason to even come back here. This isn't his home anymore.

Los Angeles is his home where it's never a bad day and all his friends want to keep his hyperactive, always on his feet, always doing something. They don't know exactly what has happened to cause Harry to feel the need to hide out here, for his own life actually, but they didn't question it much and let it go. They made it their literal mission to make Harry comfortable, showing him around the best estate housing and helping him purchase his every first decent sized house in Los Angeles. They showed him the night clubs (which he used to his full advantage for the first year, wanting to forget how soft Louis's lips were and how beautiful his eyes shined when he was feeling good and how his smile would cause crinkles under his eyes and he would look like sunshine) until he decided it was enough, he needed to settle down.

London isn't his home.

However, surprisingly, Liam is standing outside the terminals with his car waiting as he glances down at his watch, looking a little worried. Harry gulps. It's been the longest time since he's seen Liam and really doesn't know what to say, what to do. Does he hug him? Does he thank him? Does he ruffle Liam's hair that is no longer long, instead short and pulled back? Liam looks much older, more mature, a good stubble growing and much more muscular. He's definitely been hitting the gym. He’s grown significantly since Harry last saw him, he looks like the type of guy you wouldn’t dare mess with it, he looks expensive and well groomed. And damn. Harry feels like shit because he realises just how much he’s been missing out on, how much he has failed to be a good friend. 

Harry clears his throat, clutching his suitcases tighter and swiftly making his way over to Liam who nearly falls over his feet when he recognises Harry.

He probably looks different. Mostly definitely does, actually. Harry's hair is much longer now, reaching his shoulders, still curly as ever but less springy as when he was 18 years old. Instead, his curls are long and fall in ringlets, beautiful and though it’s messy, it looks well and suits him all the same. He's gone significantly taller too, slender body and his dressing style has changed dramatically too. Instead of polo shirts and baggy jeans with trainers, he’s adapted to plain shirts, skin tight jeans that never allow his legs to breathe and boots majority of the time. Whether shine or rain. He walks classy, he reeks of sophistication, maturity and it’s all gained from the pain he went through that made him want to change everything. Change from the way he talks, walks and addresses others. 

Liam looks surprised. For a second, his mouth is hanging open, frozen and simply staring before he gasps and walks forward in a rush, crushing Harry into a hug. Well, there goes his worries about the hug. Harry’s tense for a second, unsure how to react to the sudden act of affection but manages relaxes, going lax in Liam's strong arms and just letting himself be held. He needs the comfort. He hasn’t received this sort of comfort from someone so familiar, someone who rings clear throughout his whole childhood in over 4 years and fuck, he just needs to be held by someone. 

"Oh, god.." Liam whispers, his head buried in Harry's shoulder. "I have missed you so much, Mister Styles."

Harry nods, incapable of words right now and feeling overwhelmed. He definitely wasn't expecting the grand gesture or any sort of empathy. He was expecting glares, sharp words, a million questions that demanded answers and he was expecting everyone to be against him. He certainly didn't imagine Liam being so welcoming and it felt good. So good he felt tears building up in his eyes which he bit back. Harry doesn't cry. He does not cry. He has learnt to keep moisture inside, to force them down until he practically has no idea how to cry even when he wants to anymore. 

"I have missed you too," he chokes out, the words sincere as he pats Liam's back soothingly.

After a few more minutes of just hugging, Liam pulls away and rubs his hands down the sides of his body as he stares at the luggage. It's minimal and it's clear Harry isn't here to stay. A week, at most. He wants to escape and return back to his own comfort of home in Los Angeles once he's reminded of, once again, how he lost Louis and how he's marrying a businessman that's on his way to make his first million and how they own a huge fucking mansion together.

And how Harry hasn't achieved anything since. 

"Is that it?" Liam asks, his voice wavering as he gestures towards the bag with no expression on his face. 

Harry nods, getting to work and not looking him straight in the eye because he couldn't possibly deal with the guilt in those wide hazel eyes. None of his 'friends' deserve this, they don't deserve to feel like they've been officially abandoned by Harry and that he can't even stand them, not even for a weeks visit. He moves to the open boot of the car, throwing his bag in there and clapping his hands together once the job is done.

Liam, however, doesn't look the slightest bit impressed and it's evident from the little frown on his face but he doesn't comment. He honestly probably has given up and just nods at Harry before opening the passenger door for him.

"Thank you," Harry says earnestly, getting into the passenger seat and feeling a rush of feelings take over him.

First of all, Liam hasn't changed his car since 4 years and he can remember going with Liam to pick this out. He wanted something simple but still screamed beauty and ended up purchasing a Volkswagen Golf in White. It was small but yet it was a sports car, providing that feeling of flying and it was so Liam. It still has the same leather seats, the same smell of pizza but the only difference is, it's actually clean this time. Harry exhales sharply, taking in his surrounding for the first time.

He's in fucking London, it sort of hits him.

He hasn't seen a black cab in what feels like the longest time and now their parked all around him, begging for customers. He could've taken one of those but he felt the need to call Liam, to inform him he was coming.

Liam finally enters the driver seat, starting up the car without a word and putting on the radio to cover up the awkward silence that was now growing between them. It’s Capital FM radio, a radio that Harry used to be so fond of and listened to constantly but he doesn’t get this radio service back where he lives now. 

Harry coughs a little, settling back in the seat and all in all, resisting the urge to cry. "So, what have you been doing, Liam?" He asks, wanting to prey into someone else’s life to take off his mind of his own tragic. 

Liam looks a bit taken back by the question, like he hadn't been expecting that, and glances at Harry with a slight raise of his eyebrow. He starts pulling out of the airport, taking the right back onto the motorway before reaching over and turning the music down slightest. "Well, I've been working in a book agency as PR agent but I'm trying to venture into other fields."

"Wow, that seems amazing. What fields?"

"Hmm, I don't know. Maybe something like modelling, I would quite like that actually."

Liam's voice turned more scruffy and manly and it seems to go with him really well. It ties in well with his new appeal and appearance. Now, Liam shouts authority and he looks of it too. He looks like the type of guy who won’t take no as an answer, you wouldn’t dare mess with him on the streets. He is dressed casual but it adds to the whole idea of Liam looking dominant, the way he talks, walks, the way he is.

It's a lot for Harry to take in.

"Modelling seems cool," Harry agrees finally when he realises his pause has been going for a more than a few seconds. "You'd do well."

"And what about you?"

This is rather awkward. How does Harry explain what he's been doing? Mostly, he's been singing and trying to make it out there with his voice and the talent people tell him he has. Which he doesn't really see. He's average, just a normal boy and nothing really special at all. But, his passion is singing because when he's singing, nothing else matters for that brief second. He forgets everything, puts all the pain he's been feeling into his voice and belts the words like no tomorrow. He performs at a few bars, every now and then, but mostly he's just trying to better himself before he moves onto performing.

"Not much," he replies honestly however, feeling like an ultimate loser that moves away and doesn't even manage to get anything amazing done. In those four years, he could’ve managed to make something of himself but he hasn’t. He stayed lazy, he stayed in his own bubble of pain and never ventured out . “Singing, mostly."

Liam looks over to Harry. "Singing?"

"Eyes on the road!" Harry orders sternly before sighing. "Yeah."

"I never knew you were into singing, Styles."

"No one does, I guess," Harry shrugs like it's not a big deal though it means more than anything else right now, a burning passion. "I'm just experimenting with it, see how it goes."

"You deleted social media," Liam points out, changing the subject when he sensed how secretive Harry is about his singing and how he’ll open up eventually anyway. Bringing to the topic to a rather awkward discussion. 

Which is true, to some extent. He deleted everyone he used to know from social media, started up new accounts with strictly over his new friends. It's childish, Harry is aware, but it was one of the only ways to get Louis out of his mind. He needed to get rid of the evidence that reminds him of Louis, everything that links back to him and the lads were part of it. Especially Liam and Zayn, God, he hasn't heard of Zayn at all for the past four years and he's positive the boy hates his guts.

Once in a while, Harry will catch himself creeping up on Niall's instagram since he's the one that's most active, always putting up new pictures. It's agonising and he has no idea why he puts himself through that but he scrolls through Niall's feed. There'll be a new picture of them four, Liam, Zayn, Louis and Niall, hanging out together. Or Louis and Josh. Then Harry realises with a start, he’s been replaced with someone else, he is no longer part of the gang and no one really wants him around anymore. He needs to deal with it, he’s the one who pushed them all away and he can’t expect any better. 

Josh is quite attractive, actually. Louis did well with him. 

But Harry realised that he was only putting himself down by going through those pictures, torturing himself with what he could've had but was too afraid to speak up when it was the right time. So instead, he has to deal with the outcome. He blocked them all.

"Yeah, I... just wanted to be away?"

"Away?" Liam repeats. "You don't sound too sure about that. Plus you made your point about that, didn’t you? Moving far away.”

"No, I'm definitely sure. I just needed a break, that's all." He answers, carefully avoiding the last part of what Liam said. 

"A break that lasts four years.." Liam states the obvious, his voice sounding like it's on the edge and about to burst, probably feeling emotional or some sort. Harry can relate. They keep driving, the car going a little faster now and Harry takes notice of his surroundings.

He's forgotten what London roads are like, what the road signs are like, how the countryside stretches out for miles on the motorway and how there's animals on the sides. He's forgotten how the traffic here is different to LA traffic, how the radios are different, how the whole feeling of being in London is different.

"Liam," Harry warns, not wanting to get into this, not now when he’s met Liam after so long. He doesn’t want to launch into an hour or two conversation about the events that led to the decision of running away, hiding until it’s suitable for him. 

"Harry." Liam says, with the same tone of voice. "I'm just saying. It's been four years, we all miss you dearly. When are you going to return home?"

"Home is where I belong," Harry mutters out, keeping his gaze out of the window and not daring to look into Liam's eyes. 

There is a long lasting pause between them before Liam exhales. "In Los Angeles?"

Harry nods, not capable of words. How does he continually disappoint his friends like this? He can’t, he can’t say anything. So, he turns his head slightly to the left and stares out of the window. 

They don't speak for the rest of the way home.

After an hour of driving without a stop, without a word - just awkward silence that Harry could only hope of breaking and apologising, they turn up at Anne's house. Harry gulps back the feeling of meeting his mother after a year or so. She flew out to LA to meet him, demanding she needed to see him and that him being away was ridiculous and uncalled for. However, when she came over and discovered the reasons, she didn't bother questioning them again. Thankfully.

Harry scans his childhood home, just how familiar it feels and how it comes back with memories of his own. He remembers spending every moment here with Louis after school, bringing him back and acting like fools in his bedroom and trying to experiment with everything they possibly could. It reminds him of how Louis had his first injury here, how he fell down the stairs and broke his ankle and how Harry cried for him whilst Louis bit back tears, holding his hand, comforting Harry instead.

Before he gets too much into it, Harry shakes his head and takes a deep breath. "Thank you Liam, seriously." He says, the words feeling heavy with more meaning that Liam could ever begin to imagine. "I'm so sorry."

Liam just shrugs, looking defeated. "I've unlocked the boot."

Harry nods, feeling his heart sink too as he grabs the car handle and about to open the door before Liam interrupts his thoughts. "We've got a gathering tomorrow, at Louis's house. I'll... erm, text you the address. Bring Gemma and Anne, of course."

Harry doesn't want to go, way too afraid to face Louis and Josh and see the happy couple with his own eyes for the first time ever. He just wants to hide away, wants to get the first flight back and stay where he belongs. He doesn't belong here. It feels weird, out of place and staring at his childhood home, it doesn't provide the comfort it should. The thought of tomorrow makes his stomach turn and chern, makes him want to throw up but he represses any evidence of that and instead, smiles slightly and nods again. He came all this way for one thing, there’s no way he’s not going to attend all the events. Flight tickets are expensive. 

"Will do."

"I know you're not happy with this decision," Liam continues, his voice now low and protective and it's clear that is for Louis. Not for him, "but I would really appreciate if you show some sort of happiness... some sort of sign of comfort for Louis. He's happy, after a long time, and he needs people who will only bring his mood up. Do you understand?"

It sounds way more demanding than Liam is trying to make it out to be.

Harry's eyes widens as he nods once again, desperate to get out of here and suddenly feeling more anxious. He just needs to get out of this car. 

"See you tomorrow," Liam dismisses him.

Harry takes that cue of jumping out of the car, needing to breathe again and inhaling and exhaling for a few seconds right outside the door. He probably looks insane, attracting even more attention but right now, he needs to handle his breathing. He thinks back to what Nick has taught him when he had his first panic attack back at the nightclub when someone that looked strikingly like Louis tried to grind on him and Harry's breath got caught on his throat. Nick sat him down, went through techniques and how to effectively get a handle of his breathing. It works, a little, for the most part.

"You okay?" Liam asks, looking concerned.

"Till tomorrow," Harry simply manages to gasp out, smiling painfully before moving to the back and getting his bags out. He watches the car drive away and feels a little lost, a little hurt. He doesn't belong part of their happiness, he wasn't here to celebrate with Louis for his engagement.

He is here for the wedding but with half a heart.

Shaking off all thoughts (he can think about that tomorrow when he feels the need to get drunk after he returns from the gathering), he walks towards the front door of his home. He smiles lovingly at the little flowers growing outside the house, how Anne always takes pride in her gardening and tries her hardest to keep the house looking appealing and welcoming. He takes a deep breath, noticing how the net curtains have been changed but how everything feels the same. Closing his eyes momentarily, he knocks on the door and then takes a step back.

There's shuffling from the other end, a few shouts, running around, lights flicking on (it is quite early and frankly, none of his family were early birds) until Gemma flings the door open and her mouth drops open in surprise.

Well, he hasn't seen his sister in four years and it feels strange seeing her again.

Sure, they kept in touch through text messages and the occasional facetime but it was something different to see your flesh and blood in person. She has gone taller, slender, her hair now a bright orange colour - no longer brunette - and she looks much more mature before Harry left. She has grown to be a wonderful young women, charming and beautiful in her own ways and sensible. 

"Well, well, well, will you look at who it is?" She tries to say as calmly as she can but her voice is shaky and her eyes are watery already. She can barely keep it together but she needs to tease Harry to get by, to have the same tradition of who they used to greet each other. "Guess who decided he's too cool for London but returned anyway, huh?"

"Shut up Gem and hug me," Harry rolls his eyes, dropping his bag and pulling his sister into a long embrace that he just never wants to let go of. He feels somewhat comfortable here, right in her arms with her not so familiar vanilla scent. He frowns, pulling away. "You changed your fruity scent!" He complains, pouting. "It was my favourite!" But when he looks more closely, he realises Gemma is crying, tears rolling down her face silently as he chest heaves up and down, struggling to get her breath out. Harry feels awful. He's the reason for her tears right now and probably many other times when she needs him here and he just isn't here. Without thinking, he pulls her back into a hug without a word and places his head on hers, running his fingers through the ends of her hair in a comforting manner. However, it only causes Gemma to sob louder.

"Silly, what you crying for?" He whispers, his voice barely audible and raspy, thick with his own overwhelming emotions. God, he loves Gemma so much. He feels terrible to think he'll be leaving her once again in a matter of a week.

"Your hair," she croaks out, her face still buried in Harry's chest.

"My hair?" He repeats, dumbfounded. Gemma’s crying over his hair? 

"I've never realised just how long it is, H!" She says, reaching over to tangle her fingers in a strand of ringlet of curls, laughing a little at how she pulls at it and it curls back into it's space before she sighs and returns to Harry's warmth. "I've missed you so much."

Those words feel heavy and very much sincere and he truly feels that way too. He hates how his fucked up love life has led to him having to separate from whom really matters to him. He can't even remember the last time he was with Gemma, the memory hazy. He frowns.

"Me too."

She pulls away, smiling lazily now, before opening the door wide open and letting him in for the first time in years. Harry notices straight away it's changed. Quite a lot. The wall colour has changed, the interior design as changed. It isn't as old fashioned as it used to be. The doors have been replaced with more stylish brown doors, there's a feel of Anne replacing all her old furniture for more modern things and it looks and feels good.

He misses this place, if he's being honest.

"Where's mum?" Harry asks.

"She's just in the living room, go on and meet her."

Harry nods, patting her arm quickly before walking into the living room with his bags in tow. The living room has been altered too. The once cream sofas are gone and now there's chocolate brown sofas, stylish and classy with the same theme running throughout the entire room. Nothing of his childhood remains here. It's different now. Harry is glad of it. He can’t connect Louis to the sofas, to the chairs, to anything that belongs here and it’s a fresh new start that comes over him. Brilliant. 

He puts his bags down, smiling softly at his mother who is ever so accepting and so loving even if Harry has managed to change everything, make everything so difficult for her. He can't even begin to imagine how he can make it up for his mother for being the best one there is. He has no clue how she was okay with him flying out to LA at the age of 17 in the first place let alone completely settling there, making a life there. Must be ever growing patience and unconditional love that makes his mother so special, the way she is.

Anne looks up from the magazine she's reading, putting her glasses off and smiling so widely that her dimples come on show. She gets up from the sofa, pulling her son into a hug and rubbing his back in circular soothing motions.

"Glad to have you back here, dear," she just manages to say, her voice thick and it's clear she's about to burst into tears any second.

Harry doesn't want tears, he doesn't want everyone around him crying because it just reminds him of the mistakes he's made and couldn't own up to. It reminds him of how pathetically he booked those flight tickets, one way, and never bothered to return - without even a simple explanation. He hates crying. He doesn't even remember himself the last time he cried but being surrounded by his family who are doing exactly that is really not helping him.

So, he just shakes his head at her and wipes away her tears. "None of that, come on. I've just returned! I was expecting a whole table of baked goods like cakes and those delicious lemon slices you do!" He says in shock, his hands in the air now mockingly and attempting to lighten the mood, the tension thickening between them. 

Anne just laughs fondly, shaking her head too but more of a 'how adorable is my son' way and moving back from the hold. "You bet I have. I still remember those lemon slices, dug out my old bakery book to help prepare them for today!"

Harry feels a little dizzy, not expecting his mother to go to such lengths just to please him with a simple bakery treat he enjoys. He hasn't had it in years, craving it constantly but everything he tried nearly amounted to the homemade recipe Anne made here. He feels overwhelmed, again but just gulps down the thickness in his throat and nods.

"I love you mum." He just says.

Anne stares at his for a while like she's judging the words, trying to figure out just how much he means them before she grins, nodding too. "I know and I love you too but if we keep talking and do less doing, you'll never get to the treats!"

So together, they gather around the same old dining table, that hasn't been changed, that is laid out especially for Harry rather extravagantly. There is all sorts of baked goods all around the table ranging from red velvet cake to coconut chocolate cupcakes to, of course, his favourite lemon slice tray bake. He reaches for a little of everything, keeping a safe ratio of all the sweet and not overboarding it, and sits down contently, eating it all.

His phone keeps buzzing in his pockets, messages flying in from the other side of the world where all his friends are wondering where he is but Harry doesn't have to heart to retrieve any of them right now. He's missed this feeling way too much. The feeling of being in the comfort of your own house, knowing that it doesn’t matter what you say or do because your family is always standing there with open arms. It feels good, it feels like Harry can finally take a second for himself and let all his guards down and just focus on what really matters right now. Anne and Gemma are what matter right now, his entire reason for being right in front of his eyes. 

After the food, and a really heavy dinner, they return to the living room with cups of tea and put on their favourite movie: Love Actually. Though, it's not even close to Christmas time (well, a month and so) they still want to get into that spirit knowing Harry won't be here to celebrate it and hasn't been for the past three years. It saddens him that he practically abandons them on such a joyous occasion but he doesn’t have the heart to fly back, always thinking about himself and putting his own concerns above everyone else. Love Actually is just one of those traditions they share as a family, always watching it whenever it comes close to Christmas time and it’s somewhat refreshing to know they still do so. 

Christmas is a really dark holiday for him now, reminds him of nothing but grief and sadness that he feels when he realises he has no family to celebrate it with. All his friends return back home, leaving him alone with TV and a bottle of wine and some home cooked Christmas dinner. Thank God he’s able to cook, right? In the evening, some of his friends will come over and they'll celebrate it with opening presents and doing stockings for each other. For the most part, it's alone and full of Louis’s memory. Is Louis celebrating his birthday? Did he get everything he wanted? Is he happy somewhere with Josh, hand in hand, opening presents together?

Maybe this year, he can afford to return for Anne and make her christmas worthwhile too. 

They don't talk much during the movie, letting the words the characters speak do most of the talking. It's comfortable, the silence doesn't feel heavy and Harry completely relaxes on the sofa with his arms around Gemma and himself cuddling up against Anne. 

It feels like somewhere he belongs, somewhere he doesn’t need to second guess about everything. 

However, the next day just feels like hell. He gets up early with a text from Liam indicating exactly where the house is and the timing he has to come over. Harry tries not to let his emotions get the best of him, knowing he has to do this for Louis's happiness and no one else's. It doesn't matter that Harry still carries around a broken heart with cracks, begging for no one except Louis. He needs to push that away for just one week and he can then merrily return to being miserable and never recovering from that rut. It’s like he’ll never get over it, like he’ll always feel shattered and mentally drained constantly. Carrying a broken heart every single day of your life is a chore, it takes up all your time and causes Harry to want to just drop dead sometimes. 

Gemma seems a little more sympathetic of him today, it's clear in the way she smiles and talks to him like she's handling a broken child. She follows him around, for the most part, and even prepares breakfast for him which has Harry rolling his eyes. He doesn’t need the attention, he doesn’t need people constantly worrying and thinking about him like he can’t handle himself. He’s no longer the young naive boy at the age of 18 that booked his ticket to LA with tears streaming down his face, clutching his clothes whilst throwing around luggage into a simple suitcase and preparing to leave without a single word or sound. He is strong enough to not burst into tears each time he thinks about it, strong enough to keep his chin up high and keep going through better or worst. 

"You don't have to act like you can't say his name around me, you know," Harry simply states, shrugging with his hands around the warm mug. 

Gemma sighs, putting all the plates in the sink before returning to the table and pulling out a chair for herself, sitting down. She looks deeply and sincerely in Harry's eyes. "I wish I knew what was going on, what went wrong. I wish I could help."

Harry simply shrugs again, knowing there's nothing Gemma could do. Nothing he could do, in fact. The first time he heard of the news of Josh and Louis being together, he did what he knew best and packed his bags. He didn't even wait to hear the story himself from Louis, didn't wait for any confirmation, he just went. It was supposed to make things easier, feel lighter, feel somewhat manageable and like he actually had a control over his own feelings. But how can you possibly forget someone you've loved for over 5 years? Despite the distance, he was always on Harry's mind and he had no idea how to get him out of there. He’s learnt to accept it, just take it for what it is and not bother pushing it out anymore. It was easier to bare when no one had any idea about what is going on, to push away and not tell a soul about the suffering he went through. Love is painful, evil, it’s invading and it doesn’t let Harry to take a second to breathe. Ever. 

"It's fine, really," Harry reassures her, or more like himself, before taking a sip of his tea and smiling at how good it tastes. He misses tea. Recently, he’s gotten into coffee and completely abandoned tea. Mostly because it reminds him of Louis and his obsession with tea. How Harry would have the kettle boiling every morning for him, for Louis to come home and have a cuppa and they would sit around the table, sipping together whilst watching the music charts. Harry always wished he was there, his music was being heard and acknowledged by the whole world but it’s a desire and dream he kept locked away to himself. 

"It's not though, is it? You don't want to attend this gathering." Gemma observes. 

Deciding to be truthful for once in his life, he nods. "You're right, I don't. I don't want to see Louis again and definitely not with Josh - it's going to kill but it's what I have to do. I came all this way to attend this wedding, to show just how comfortable and how happy I am for Louis on this precious day and I wish I wasn't invited. But, I am and I was convinced to just come and I did. So I'll attend this gathering too. It's the least of my problems."

Harry feels a lot better releasing all those words that have been building up in one swift speech, no interruptions, no stopping and he releases a breath that he didn't realise he was holding. He turns to Gemma who is just looking at him, pride washing over her features as she grins.

"I always knew I had the best brother." She simply replies, completely out of context, and before Harry can even object and fight that claim, he's not the best brother at all (in fact, he deserves the worst brother award, please, right now), Gemma simply walks away from the kitchen with her own cup of tea, leaving Harry alone with his.

*

A few hours later and Harry is sitting outside Louis's house that he shares with Josh with Gemma and Anne. They were late to the party, he had forgotten how long girls take to get ready it seems. Anne had taken her time, curling her hair to perfection whilst Gemma kept applying her bright red lipstick. As annoying as it was, Harry stood there and watched on without a sound because he doesn’t really deserve an opportunity to complain now. He's been driving with nerves, hands clammy, heart beat accelerating every minute they got closer but he refused to let Gemma take over. He can handle this. He just needs to get over himself. He can drive, he is well capable of doing so and he needs to get a grip and do what he has to do. 

Sitting outside the house, it's huge. It’s massive. It’s exceeds all expectations. It's much better than Harry expected and it looks so luxurious, so prestige that Harry doesn't even have words to explain, couldn’t bring any words to compliment the place. It's definitely one of those expensive mansions that cost a fortune and it would cost Harry all his life to save up for but Louis can have this, he can have all this. No wonder he chose Josh after all. He doesn’t need to struggle living in small flats, he can have it all, right in front of his eyes. He just has to say the word. 

Harry cuts the engine off to the car, sitting at the driver seat and relaxing, controlling his breathing. In and out. Inhale and exhale. He can control himself, he can present himself as an ordinary citizen and not mess this up. After all, he only has one chance at this and he can’t afford to mess it up and have Louis hate him internally for the rest of his life. He came here with good enough intentions, he needs to play that out and take those intentions home with him. 

"We can wait here for a bit longer, if you please?" Anne asks from the passenger seat after she notices her sons initial hesitations, concerned. She's dressed beautifully, modestly with a long black dress with only one strap and wearing black wedges. She looks like herself, as always. Elegant and beautiful without even attempting to try because her charismatic personality shines through and radiates throughout her features to make her the beautiful being she is. Harry could never be more fonder of her mother. 

"No, I'm fine," Harry tells himself mostly, looking down on his white button up shirt that has ruffles on top and his black trousers. He knows the party is a little more high end, more rich people roaming around since it is Josh’s and he couldn't turn up casual. He glances back at Gemma who gives him a thumbs up and a subtle nod. "I'm fine," he confirms.

Together, they climb out of the car and walk up the stairs towards the house. With each passing second, Harry's anxiety climbs and it feels off the roof. His palms are sweaty and he's desperately trying to wipe it down the sides of his trousers, trying to get rid of the feeling. His heartbeat is loud and hard, beating against his chest and demanding to be heard. He feels a little nauseous, if he's being honest and seriously just wants to sit down somewhere but he keeps going because he can’t afford to be weak anymore. 

Gemma jumps forward, knocking the door as they all wait for it to open.

It's Niall.

God, Niall looks great.

He has the same artificial blonde hair but it's different now, styled in a quiff with his brunette roots coming through. He has a cheeky grin on his face, the same one that he is known for that shines through his face and makes his other features just as radiant. He still has a somewhat baby face, no facial hair but just by the way he is standing - he looks older and much more mature. Good, he had some growing up to do. Harry feels a little lost, looking at who used to be his best friend since nursery days and now, it feels so distant like they don't even know each other. Niall has moved on, moved up and became someone so utterly breathtaking in his own. His dressed to perfection and elegance, his suit and tie, all booted with his hair gelled back smoothly. His holding two glasses of drinks, seems like he’s been sipping from both, and looked quite jolly and uplifted. 

However, Niall's happy grin is instantly wiped off when he realises just who is standing before him. 

"Harry?" He asks in disbelief, raising an eyebrow. There is signs of complete confusion washing over his face as he observes more closer. He can’t even begin to believe that his old best friend is right here, almost like it is a dream. "I mean, I knew you were here but I just... didn't know you'd turn up." He stutters. 

Well, that feels great.

Harry tries to not let it get to him, he deserves it after the stunt he played. He can’t expect everyone to welcome him back with open arms and huge smiles, not everyone is as forgiving and loving as Liam and that’s just the truth of it. Everyone should be suspicious and in doubt of him, no one should like him after he abandoned all his responsibilities. He had all this coming. So he just nods, confirming that he actually is here. "I turned up." 

"Well, I mean, clearly," Niall says, his eyes wandering to where Gemma is standing and his smile appears on his face. He puts one of the glass on the tableside, keeping one hand free before briefly hugging them both. Harry tries to ignore the fact that Niall hasn’t touched him, keeping his fake smile plastered on. "Welcome Gems, hi Anne! Come in!" He opens the door wider, letting them all through and Harry bites down the feeling of being replaced, not being remembered, no one caring about him, about whether he is here or not. 

The house inside is even more delightful than the outside. It was all white tiles that have gold sparkles in them and the whole place just screams superiority and wealth. There are people walking around with flutes of champagne, dressed in the finest clothes and looking well groomed. This place isn't somewhere Harry belongs, doesn't feel comfortable in this surrounding when he can't even pull enough money together to keep his landlord off his back about the rent. Everyone here is prosperous, successful and living off a lot of money. They have no troubles in life, are financially stable enough to go on their way and well, that feels like crap too. He looks around quickly, scanning the place as his heart thumps at the thought of finding Louis. Meeting Louis after four year is going to be another whole story but he can't seem to notice him above the whole small chatter of all these people.

Niall is right by their side, guiding them right through the main room to the back where it's much more quieter and relaxed. The loud roar of laughter and screaming reduces down to just small chatter. There is still a lot of people but just more people he recognises now. Harry sees Stan, Louis's friend, walking around with his hair gelled back and in a suit and he is grinning so wide. Probably overjoyed with happiness for his friends wedding. The same joy that is lacking in Harry. He can’t feel anything, no signs of pride and joy over knowing his “friend” will officially be married. Instead, he feels hostility and his heart feels so small and empty but he can’t let it out. 

Niall just gestures towards the room. "These guests are clearly more intimate, closer, like family," he says, looking straight at Harry as he speaks the words, making Harry squirm uncomfortably and trying to make it clear he doesn’t exactly belong here. "Make yourself at home, please. There's plenty of drinks over there," he signals towards a table of waiters, all holding trays of drinks and champagnes and cocktails, "and over there, we have a selection of refreshments. Do any of you's want to meet Louis?"

Harry gulps. He does but the same time, he doesn't. He doesn't want to be faced with the very reason he's been hiding all this time but for how long can he attempt to run away from this? The truth is, the game is over and Harry has lost. Josh has walked up, claimed Louis as his own and now has secured his place as a husband whilst Harry has no one.

Gemma looks at Harry nervously, speaking up. "We would, actually."

Harry's eyes widen, not having agree to this and glares at Gemma. "We what?" He repeats, out of pure shock.

Niall isn't even looking at Harry; probably too disgusted to do so. He keeps his eyes trained on Gemma, sometimes drifting to Anne, before nodding. "Erm, are you sure?" He asks. There is a mild concern lacing through his voice and Harry doesn’t want to mistake it as concern for him. 

"Of course. Let's see the groom!"

Niall does exactly that, not sparing another second before leading them through let another door towards the back. This time, it's even smaller and the music is different and there's something else about this room. The music is slow, romantic and quiet like background noise so everyone can be heard instead of shouting over the beat. It's full of chatter, laughter, huge smiles and grins and nothing more than just love. Love. Louis loves Josh. 

His eyes fall on Louis for the first time in four extremely long years and his breath gets caught in his throat, incapable of breathing. Louis is sitting right there, looking as beautiful as he always has been with his hair quiffed up, rather big, and styled to perfection. His figure has gone more toned, slender but his height hasn't changed after all. He looks petite but so fucking sexy in that black suit with no tie. He's lost a lot of face weight that was already non existent, now his cheekbones are prominent and sharp and there's just a small collection of a stubble growing. Small. He practically looks wealthy, his whole outfit screams it and his face is bright with happiness, surrounded by people who love and care for him. Unlike Harry. 

Harry doesn't know what to say, doesn't know where to look, doesn't know how to breathe and he can't remove his eyes from Louis at all. He feels trapped, feels helpless but to just stare at the beauty right before him. The beauty he can't have anymore. It feels heavier to be faced with the exact person he has been pining over but can’t face, his desires unfulfilled. 

Anne moves forward first, greeting him and embracing him, congratulating him once again for his wedding that was happening so soon. Gemma follows straight after, doing the same and giving him a little squeeze on the shoulders but Harry finds it difficult to even move from the spot he is standing let alone attempt to talk to Louis.

Louis is looking at him too now, his eyes staring longingly at Harry's and they lock eyes and don’t move. It seems like Louis isn’t breathing either right now, just looking right through Harry and clutching his glass visibly tighter. He looks uncomfortable and in some sort of pain.

Those bright blue eyes that are a specific blue, those beautiful piercing eyes that Harry fell in love with in the first place. They don't burn so bright today, they look distant and spaced out and increasingly so as he looks back at Harry. 

He doesn't want Harry here. Why would Louis ever want Harry here?

Without even thinking about his actions, he turns around and dramatically walks right out of the room, straight out of the other room full of closer guests and straight out of the first room. So many damn rooms, so many rich people, so much expensive wine. He doesn't fucking belong here. He isn’t supposed to be among these people who have so much to offer than him, he can’t even properly care for himself and feed himself properly. This just feels like shit, it reminds him of everything he doesn’t have and can’t have and it makes his heart positively ache. He walks right out of the house, fiddling with his pocket to call up Nick and to tell him to book a flight home for him right now, he can't bare any second here until he hears a familiar voice calling at him. 

Harry freezes, slowly pulling the phone away from his ear and turning around to be standing right before Zayn. Zayn has changed too, probably the most. Tall, slim, long hair that's neatly handled with a headband and simple black suit. He looks good, attractive as always as he moves towards where Harry is standing. Zayn had always been attractive, like another being of his own even in his awkward teenage phases and Harry always knew he’d grow up to be charming and strikingly different in his appearance. But this just proved it. He’s wearing his clothes so well, it fitting over his features perfectly and making his legs look like they can stretch on for days. His long hair, that most people can’t rock, he pulls off so well and it all ties in so well with his whole look. How can someone look so good without even trying?

Whilst Harry is attempting to call Nick, he's faced with another segment of his past. Did he really think he can return here without having to meet them? Why is he so surprised when he confronts each and every one of them? This was going to happen sooner or later. He just doesn’t have the guts to face them, to say what he needs to say. There’s nothing left to speak about, there’s nothing to discuss. He has left them, abandoned them like they mean nothing and returned like it doesn’t even matter. He is a shit friend, always has been and he ruined everything he potentially had with these people. Niall just proved them, sparing all the hugs and glances and deliberately avoiding him as if Harry is scum of the earth. Equally, Louis looked just appalled and shocked to see him and stopped what he was doing altogether. He couldn’t even function with Harry in the room, was completely pale and taken away. So why is Zayn any different? He had been the most afraid to meet Zayn because he was always level headed, knew what he wanted from people and never caused a scene but was never too ashamed to express his feelings. He is powerful, has authority of people and is never afraid to let the dark side of him come out with situations like so. 

Harry lets out a shaky breath, his voice betraying him when it cracks slightly. He rubs his hands down the side of his clothes, trying to reduce the sweat and stuttering as he lets out a weak. "You don't have to pretend you like me, you don't have to say anything.”

Zayn cocks his head to the side, raising his eyebrows in surprise. There's something about his look, he doesn't look angry, doesn't hold resentment in his expression. Rather, there's nothing there except a blank stare and a small smile.

"You're brave, I'll allow that," he laughs. 

Harry raises his eyebrows together, taking him by complete surprise. Out of all the objectives that is used to describe Harry, this was definitely the last one he expected. "Brave? How so? I'm the last person whose brave."

Zayn comes closer now, looking at the phone in Harry's hands that is still on Nick's contact page, a call away from home. He stares at it until Harry feels somewhat uncomfortable and awkward. It’s almost like Zayn is communicating to him through just looks. He immediately locks his phone and pockets it. This time, Zayn smiles wider.

With that, he continues. "You came all this way, you're brave. You're sucking it up for Louis, you're brave."

"Zayn.." Harry starts before he's cut off.

Zayn shakes his head, holding a hand up to stop him from saying anything. "Listen, I'm not sure why you thought it was necessary to return to this event. It's hard and it's going to get harder. Maybe, if you returned a few months before, it would've been easier on you but you chose the hard route." He pauses, now smiling at the ground. "You always choose the hard route, Harry."

"Why don't you hate me?" He asks instead, not wanting to talk in riddles or beat around the bush. He needs to know straight to the point and he needs answers. 

"I'm not going to hate you based on the ways you chose to deal with your problems. If you thought it'd be easier to start over at Los Angeles, you were free to do so and you did. All I suggest is thinking about whether your tactics and methods of freeing yourself actually work. Because, kid, if it did, you'd be inside hugging Louis and not out here, desperate to get home."

Harry doesn't even know how Zayn knows that he's trying to get home and he doesn't want to find out either. Instead, he stares at Zayn for a few seconds, trying to let the words of wisdom sink in. He's right. The whole Los Angeles thing hasn't worked out to his favour, it hasn't helped Harry forget and get over him and instead, it feels like the hole is bigger right now. Why has love always been so difficult and harsh on Harry? Why couldn't he find his very own Josh back at his place, someone who can handle him and propose to him?

"I'm sorry," Harry pathetically whispers out.

Zayn simply shakes his head, again. "Don't apologise for what you've done Harry. Just try and amend it now."

"What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to get back inside, pretend like it's not affecting you and for once, be there for Louis because he actually wants you here. Otherwise, he wouldn't of invited you. This may be the happiest week of his life and he wants someone he has known all his life to be there. You don't have to talk to him, you don't have to do anything - just be there. Okay?"

Harry feels stuck but he knows he can't say no, he can't get in that car and drive away because that's what cowards do and he's tired of being one. Instead, he lets out a huge breath and exhales sharply before moving forward towards Zayn and nodding. For once, he's going to do the right thing and he's going to evaluate this whole situation when he gets home.

Zayn seems pleased, he smiles brightly and looks fulfilled before reaching out for Harry's hand and squeezing it to provide any sort of comfort he can. "For the record, I could totally go longer at living in LA and not returning than 4 years. You're weak," he teases before guiding them both back into the house.

By this point, the party is at full swing and there is a lot more commotion going on now. There's more groups of people standing around, shouting, drunken dancing and it no longer feels like a prestigious party. Just rich people with cheap actions. Zayn looks fairly comfortable as he guides them through the house, occasionally nodding at certain unfamiliar people before leading them right back where Harry started from.

Louis is engaged with a conversation with Josh and some other adults. Josh has his arms around Louis's waist, pulling him closer and they fit - almost. Just not perfectly. Only him and Louis fit like a puzzle piece and no one else can take that away from him, no one will be as compatible as they are. Harry decides not to watch that, not to torture himself if he wants to attempt to stay at this party for the whole time and returns to Anne who is talking to Johannah.

Harry hasn't seen Louis's mother in the longest time, it feels and he sort of freezes in front of her.

Jay, however, makes no attempt at making it awkward and instantly squeals, wrapping her arms around him. "My lovely boy!" She coos, quite fondly. "You've finally decided to make an appearance, haven't you?"

Harry nods, relaxing a little now, no longer feeling as tense as his shoulders lump and he smiles. He can do this, of course he can. He can walk around here like it doesn't affect him for one night and then repeat for a few more and then he can go back from wherever he came from. It doesn't matter. Plus, at least Jay is happy to see him and that's one person. If anything.

So, he smiles and puts on a show where he pretends his happy to make everyone else's mood better. Forever pleasing others. He tells Jay all about his new house, the city, his new friends and how he's got a good future plan running there for him when it's far from the truth. Jay, not looking as convinced but not commenting, just nods at all the right places and laughs at appropriate times. All in all, she looks full of joy that Harry has turned up.

"I'm glad you're here, Harry. You've been missed!"

Harry just smiles. "I have missed you too. How's the twins? Lottie? Fizzy?" He asks suddenly, remembering at once how much he loves the girls and how over protective he used to be of them. He treated them like his very own.

Jay looks quite pleased that he remembers, if anything and smiles wide. "Oh god, they are perfect! Grown well, looking good too. Lottie just finished her GCSEs, looking at apprenticeships for makeup courses and the rest are growing just dandy!"

Harry feels content knowing the Tomlinson's are doing so well. He wished he had bothered to keep more in contact, maybe dropping in a call every once and while but it was dangerously close to Louis and that had been the thing he was avoiding in the first place. He wished there was another way to keep talking to Johannah, really, she treated him like her own son and never failed to shower continous love on him like he deserved it. Her house doors were always open for him, no matter it was day and night and Harry always went to her with wide arms and felt soothed by love and affection. Now, it wasn’t the same and all that same affection had disappeared. 

"Tell them I said hi." He says, making a mental note to go by Jay's house before he leaves and say hello to all the girls - if they even want to see him anymore - taking over a little gift and just hoping for the best that Louis doesn't happen to be there. If he comes up after the wedding, Louis will most likely be here at his new house with his newly wed husband and the family home will be Jay's only.

Jay looks onboard with the idea. "Sure!"

And then, Harry spends most of this time drifting in between different people and sipping back the expensive champagne in attempts to forget the scene playing right in front of his eyes. He tries not to think about how sinfully beautiful Louis looks today or how his smile is wide but it doesn't quite bring out the wrinkles like Harry remembers. He looks happy, he does but he doesn't look like he is here exactly and Harry picks up on that. But he can't say anything, lost that right to do so, so he stays in one corner of the party. Louis doesn’t try to talk to Harry and instead, makes a show of himself to make Harry feel increasingly left out. Whether that’s by laughing loudly and attracting attention or walking around and hugging all his friends, ones that used to be Harry’s too.

Niall makes no attempt to talk to him, doesn't even spare him a glance. His heart sinks everytime they lock eyes and Niall looks away, his nose wrinkling up but he takes it in like a lesson. He made mistakes and this is like his detention, coming to terms with the consequences. He can’t be all mad. 

Harry sees Zayn and Liam dancing on each other, getting friendly as they touch hands and fingers intertwine. It’s clear they are together, can detect it in their wide smiles and fond closed mouth kisses. Well when did that even happen? Harry has missed a lot. He excluded himself from this group and now it's like he can't even return, missed out on way too much.

Finally, Liam releases Zayn for a second as they both come towards Harry and smile, grabbing a drink each.

"Harry," Liam says with a slight smile as he takes a huge gulp of his drink, visibly relaxing as he snakes his arm around Zayn's waist and pulling him close. Zayn colours a little at that, rosy pink on his cheekbones that are sharp enough to cut someone and lets himself be cuddled. The obvious size and height difference is almost hurtful.

He grins at two of his mates, if that, happy that they are together because he knows exactly how long Zayn has been pining for Liam. To be honest, Harry never imagined it would work out and it's a pleasant surprise that it has. Liam always seemed like the type of guy who likes girls, goes for ones with petite waists and cute little asses and he never really spared Zayn a second thought. They were best friends in which Zayn fell hopelessly in love and couldn’t even begin to handle it. It must’ve taken quite some time to come to this point. 

"Liam," Harry acknowledges, nodding before raising his glass slightly, "great to see you too together."

That causes Zayn to go a deeper shade of pink, burying his head in Liam's neck and giggling lightly. He's never seen Zayn like this, so carefree, so smiley. Usually, he'd be reserved and up in his own business - never wanting others to get involved. He liked to keep a safe distance from everyone so no one could afford to hurt him and he'd never feel it. He just made one mistake: falling for Liam. Because once Liam falls, he falls hard. They must be practically inseparable now. All in all, they suit each other. Liam brings out the best in Zayn, his more playful side.

Zayn nods from where his head is still safely tucked away. "Thank you Harold."

Liam looks delightful, holding his boy even tighter and pulling him in closer, if it was even possible at this point. "We've been thinking of a way to tell you we got together, wasn't entirely sure how."

Harry gulps, taking a deep breath at the constant reminder of what a shit friend he is. Again, he should've been here for these two and cheering on for the couple like a old fond grandma. He should’ve been rooting for them, knowing each detail and acting like a guardian angel. He missed out on that opportunity now, missed all the missing pieces to their relationship. 

"Well, you've told me now," Harry replies simply, not letting any of his facial expression even change slightly as he finishes the last of his drink and nods to them both, "and it feels uplifting seeing both of you together. The dancing and kissing was a good indicator about you two being together."

Zayn winks at Liam before returning his soft gaze at Harry. "I can only hope you'll return to us soon and attend our wedding too."

Not thinking too much into the words and just going along with the flow, nodding. "Sure, if you invite me, of course."

"Of course." Zayn confirms.

The two of them walk away, all giggly like little high school boys. They are so intimate each other like you're not supposed to look, like you're intruding something if you so much stare. They were made for each other, it's clear by the ways their personalities shine out clearly. Harry feels content, feels good seeing all his friends so fulfilled with their own lives - even if it meant he couldn't feel the same. It just feels great returning to a place of happy people.

After an hour or so, Josh did a little speech to the whole party. His hair gelled, pulled back and messy but it suited him well, his hazel eyes that are slightly more on the green side and his tight smile on thin lips. He looks all business-like, uptight, up for no fun. Besides him, Louis stands with one drink and a distant look in his eyes but a smile as he looks all over his guests. Great hosts.

"Welcome guys!" Josh greets them all, a little loose from all the drink he's been sipping back as he keeps a unsteady balance on his feet and constantly gazes over to Louis to rely on him. "It's great to see you all here today! I'm overjoyed that all of you's have turned up and made our evening, seriously. I sincerely hope you all show up to the wedding too, it'll be great to have all of you there together and we shall enjoy the lovely day that I can call this man," he pauses, looks lovingly over to Louis with heart eyes, "my husband. My fucking husband! Can you believe that?" He chuckles, amazed at this own words.

Harry feels sick but prefers not to say anything, not even comment though he can feel Gemma standing right beside him for comfort. Instead, he reaches over to the waiter for another drink and this may be one too many but he doesn't even care right now.

Josh carries on though, carrying the light of the party. "Today has been an memorable day, thank you for all turning up and making this so special for me and Louis. We would all like to thank you personally and see you all soon! For now, enjoy more refreshments and make yourself at home."

With that, the music comes back on and it's a slow, romantic song - setting that mood. Harry groans internally, not wanting to deal with this so he goes to one of the windows and glances out. With one drink, he looks over the the view outside and how the sky looks dark and how the moon shines brightly. He wishes he could see the stars, how beautiful it would all look as he finishes his drink and puts the glass down.

Not sure how long he's been standing there, Harry feels a tap on his shoulder and turns around to Anne standing there with a small, sympathetic smile.

"Baby, let's go home now."

Harry agrees instantly, more than relieved. "Let me say goodbye to Zayn and Liam," he says, it's the least he can do since he can't gather the courage to approach Louis and Niall definitely detests him.

Anne nods. "I'll be in the car."

Harry sets off to find the two loved up couple that aren't in the spotlight. Pushing through a bunch of people, weaving through others as he finds his way towards the back. By now, there's definitely more drunk people than coherent but that's okay because that's what a party is about. He sees practically everyone, even Niall who is acting like a complete fool, drunk out of his mind and dancing but that's just who Niall is and maybe he hasn't changed that much after all.

He even spots a few high school friends he hadn't stumbled across before, giving them all a nervous smile and getting blank stares back. Awesome.

In an attempt to find Zayn and Liam, he finds Louis and Josh instead. Right in front of him. Louis has a scowl on his face, pulling Josh closer by the collar of his shift and whispering something so low that Harry strains his ears to hear. It's clear from their body language, they aren't having the sweetest talk. 

Knowing it's none of his business and he should walk away now, Harry stays put and watches anyway. Because maybe it’ll give him some sort of sadistic pleasure knowing the happy couple may not be as happy as they seem and just relieve him of tensions he feels building up.

Josh laughs a little, giving Louis a little look. "Oh c'mon babe, it's a week till our wedding! I'm just having fun!"

"Fun is different, the host not being able to string sentences together is another level," Louis warns with that same authority he used to carry and it's heart warming for Harry to hear it again.

It used to be used on him when he didn't get his grades, when he hooked up with random people, when he would return home late and keep his mother waiting all night in stomach turning worry, when he would do everything wrong and everything difficult. Now, the voice is reserved for things worth Louis's energy and worth: his fiancé.

Josh sighs sadly, nodding and agreeing and putting the full glass down. "Okay baby, look, nothing in my hands."

Louis doesn't relax as easily. "You told me you were handling it."

"And I am! It's our fucking wedding party, babe. Of course I'm gonna have a drink or two, it's only normal! Please, don't start this fight here."

That's when Louis's shoulders finally slump and nods, reaching over and pressing one quick kiss on Josh's lips. "I'm watching you!" He warns before turning around and crashing straight into Harry.

Harry's eyes blow up, realising he's been caught staring at the couple and looks down instantly. He feels too ashamed to look him in the eye and see the guilt. He just wants to forget about this night already.

Before Louis can even say anything, Harry takes his cue to leave and disappear.

He can thank Zayn and Liam over text, can goodbye through there and explain himself for leaving the party without a word but he just doesn't want to stay here another moment. The room is starting to suffocate him more and more now, and he needs to take this as a sign to leave. He ignores the small voice calling his name, refusing to look back, keeping his eyes at the front and moving.

*

It's the next day and it feels lazy, tiring and last nights events is still fresh in his mind as Harry decides he can't mope around in this house and hide away. London is a beautiful city and he isn't using that to his full advantage. He drops all his friends a text, telling them he's alive and he's simply visiting home. Most of them are surprised and happy for Harry since it's the first time in the longest time and they weren't expecting this day to come any time soon. Nick is texting him constantly, asking for pictures of the infamous Louis and wanting to see London more through videos. He wants to travel more than Harry does. 

Instead of feeling sorry for himself, Harry takes a long shower and soaks up all the time he has alone in here, letting the feelings sink in and figure out how he really feels.

It's clear he still has feelings for Louis, which is pretty much useless and not helpful at all now that he knows Louis won't be his. He also doesn't feel any sort of joy for the boys wedding, doesn't feel the need to congratulate him because it doesn't feel fair. Not at all. He knows he’s done wrong in his life, he’s escaped from everything that matters but he can’t begin to feel something for Louis and Josh. 

Sighing loudly, he washes his hair and his whole body before climbing out and changing into a simple white shirt and some black skinny jeans alongside with his boots. As usual. His everyday attire, hasn't worn anything different for a long time. He lets his hair dry, doesn't bother combing it through and letting it sit however it is. He grabs his phone, putting it in his pocket and running downstairs where Anne is preparing breakfast.

He can't stop right now though otherwise he'll back down and refuse to step outside. He grabs a banana, kissing Anne on the cheeks before moving to the door.

"Harry!" She calls at once when she realises he's slipping out of the door, frowning. "Where are you going dear?"

"Out, exploring!" He calls back, shrugging on his black coat that Nick exclaims that it fits his body sinfully. Great. "I'll be home for lunch, or dinner!"

With that, he walks out of the door and slams it shut, taking a deep breath and just enjoying the London chilly air. It isn't that cold that smoke is formed every time he moves his mouth but the breeze is still quite harsh and he cuddles into his coat for warmth. He takes a small walk to the tube station, not being able to recall the last time he took London train as transport and feels as giddy all of a sudden. Purchasing a day ticket, he jumps straight on the Central line towards Oxford street. The tube used to be one of his favourite things when he was living here, wanting to visit every stop and getting familiar with the route because it meant travelling and Harry admired travelling. To finally be back on the trains, somewhere so fond and full of memories, feels liberating. 

Harry takes the moment to glance around the rather still empty train, how everyone is sitting around with small smiles and minding their own business. Either reading a newspaper, a book, listening to music - it's eerily quiet and when did life become so dull?

He remembers sitting on the Tube with Louis when they were younger and not being able to control their giggles, feeling much more older than they really are. They would mess around, talk loudly (probably annoying everyone in the train, as Harry can imagine) and never being able to sit still for one second anywhere. They would walk up and down the train, dance, sing and disturb everyone’s peace. It used to be full of so much life, so much excitement and so much to do and say. Now, it just seems lifeless here.

There is one couple in the far corner, girl and boy, both engaging in their own quiet affairs, whispering as the boy repeatedly kisses her hands. Harry feels sick, looking away and instead pulling out his phone to focus his mind somewhere else. He lets Liam know where he disappeared off to last night, informing him that Anne wanted to leave and he couldn't find Liam.

'Yeah, me and Zayn were busy. If you know what I mean. Don't worry Harold, we insist you come over before the wedding and all three of us relax together, kick back. Watch a movie? Let us know when you're free xx'

Harry rolls his eyes, of course Liam would be so accepting and welcoming without a word but he appreciates it. Very much. He didn’t expect it and it’s comforting to know someone still cares for him in a way that they don’t mind spending a day with him. Not like Niall who was completely repulsed by him.

'Ew, too much information. And that sounds like fun, I'm free whenever, unfortunately .x'

With that, he puts his phone back and realises he just wants to spend his day on his own without any sort of disturbances. He wants a day of exploring and falling in love with London all over again, on his own. 

Once he arrives at Oxford street, he is immediately hit with the familiar scent of doughnuts and waffles and the feel of how busy the street is. There are people walking around, barely any space to walk on the pavement and the shops are full to the brim. Well, it is close to Christmas so Harry isn't the slightest bit surprised. The waffle stand has a long line, so do the ice cream lines despite the cold weather and it’s full of energy and life. There is enthusiastic people walking around, wrapped up warm in their winter attire without a care in the world with their arms full of carrier bags. Everyone is so thrilled in London, content smiles and so polite to everyone.

Harry starts making his way down all the shops, taking his time to look through each one and if anything catches his eye yet he doesn't even have enough money to purchase anything. He has a few hundreds that he needs to save, keep saved away for the next time he has to pay rent, bills or whatever other money goes towards groceries. It's a pain, he can't handle it sometimes but it's a responsibility he took among himself before he even needed to and now he just has to deal with it, like always.

Harry feels like everyone staring at him but he tries not to take notice. They have no reason to do so and he's simply being paranoid. He slips into Gemma's favourite store, looking around carefully and window shopping before something actually does catch his eye.

It's a necklace, on a medium length length, with an envelope. A simple envelope. And as much as Harry knows it doesn't have a meaning, he can definitely add one to it so without giving it second thoughts, he purchases it.

'So you can remember me that I'm always around the corner.'

Feeling satisfied, Harry starts to walk out and decides he might as well get a present for Anne whilst he's here too. Since he won't be here for Christmas, and though he sends presents from back home, he feels the need to remind his mother just how special she is and how she never fails to make Harry happy - even if it's before her happiness. He has let her down a lot in his whole lifetime and no matter how much he gives back, it’ll never be enough. 

It's a lot harder for his mother, he isn't sure what she would like exactly so he ends up going with a chunky rosegold ring with a simple rose on it. It just seems like something Anne would like and can wear to occasions, something to remember Harry by. 

In the end, with all his shopping done, he starts walking inside one of the roads of Oxford Street in search for one of the cafes he used to love coming to. He loves the area, feels vintage and the shops are cute and small with a lively feel. He passes a few, not feeling the need to go in until he pauses at the florists store.

He swear he sees someone familiar.

Harry takes a second, reevaluating if he actually wants to go and see who it is or if he should keep walking to wherever he was heading to and forget all about it. The bags suddenly feel heavier and then he nods to himself and steps inside the florists before he changes his mind.

There stands Louis. He looks a lot different than yesterday, his hair now down with a fringe and messy and his eyes have red rings - probably from the lack of sleep. He's dressed in a simple turtleneck and skinny jeans, looking casual and cosy. Harry doesn't realise how much he misses seeing Louis like this, carefree and not worrying about looking his best at some stupid gathering and rather, relaxed in a florists store.

He's not sure how long he's been standing there, just staring at Louis with his heart bursting with some kind of fond that he hasn't been familiar for 4 years. It's intrusive and reminds him all the times they've had before he escaped. Fond. For the lovely lad standing right in front of him whose smile is wide and his eyes twinkling as he looks over the flower choices.

"Harry?" He hears and snaps out of his train of thought, jumping, a little startled before looking at Louis straight in the eye. This is the first time in four years that his soft, raspy voice is dedicated towards Harry alone. "What are you doing here?" Louis asks, moving forward and putting some flowers done, his smile even wider now but shaky and unsure. Probably trying to figure out whether he’s making the mistake of his life. 

Harry doesn't know what to do whilst he stands there, like an idiot, just staring with his mouth wide open. Clueless and rushing with different emotions. Why is he such a douche? Why does he get so overwhelmed with different emotions that he loses the ability to speak and form coherent sentences. Instead, he looks on with wide eyes and mouth hanging and hands clamming up at his sides. "I... I.." 

Louis looks a little troubled, if anything, as he keeps looking dead straight in the eye and it's like they're communicating through simple looks. He raises an eyebrow, tilting his head to the side and staring at Harry like he can read him like an open book. "What brings you to the florists?"

"I was just going past for a coffee and I happened to pass here." Harry admits quickly.

"Well.." Louis pauses, looking him up and down, scanning him for all his worth. Harry thinks this is the moment he tells him to get lost, that he doesn't even want Harry here and why is he here? What has Harry ever done for Louis? All he's done is proved he's a coward, done exactly what he wasn't supposed to do. Fucksakes, love isn't a game like this and Harry wasn't willing to play like this. "Whilst you're here, you can help me pick the flowers for the twins." He decides at last.

"The twins?" Harry repeats dumbly.

"Indeed, for the wedding?" Louis laughs with a sparkle in his eyes but turns around and moves back to the store, looking through all the colours.

Harry clears his throat, deciding to stop acting like a fool who is completely starstruck over Louis and follows him into the shop - without a word. They should be fighting, arguing, discussing where the time went and where they stand after all these years but Louis doesn't seem to care. Well, why should he? He doesn't need to waste his time pitying Harry when he's getting married in matters of 6 days now and he can have everything he wants. He will have a husband who is a fucking millionaire and they can adopt children in their mansion of a house. He can have everything he wants at the snap of his fingers, he isn’t worrying about Harry any longer. 

"Harry?" Louis calls again, pulling his eyebrows together when he realises Harry isn’t responding and instead, engaged in his mobile phone, trying to figure out what to do or say. He desperately tries to reach out to Zayn with no reply. Internally, his freaking out and he can’t even begin to display those emotions.

"Sorry," he mutters, finally following and putting his phone away to follow where Louis's gaze is. "What's the colour for the wedding?"

"Well, we've decided to wear light blue ties with our grey suits.. I guess."

"Then choose the blue ones?" Harry suggests, looking around the huge shop. It's definitely going to be expensive considering the place he's getting the flowers from but then Harry reminds himself, Louis can afford this. He can have this. Of course he wants to go with the best option there is.

"Well, duh, Harry," Louis chuckles, shaking his head.

"Why aren't you doing this with Josh?" Harry blurts out before he can even avoid the words spilling out, sort of regretting it the moment they come out.

Louis pauses in mid air before slowly turning around, his smile fading. "He's busy, doing the job he does."

"Right."

"He wanted to come and keeps texting me during his business meetings," Louis sighs, pulling his phone out and flashing the screen at Harry that clearly has a few messages by someone 'Bae' with a ring emoji and a heart emoji. "I keep telling him to go and do his work, we'll talk later but he doesn't listen."

Harry gulps, his throat feeling thick and can't help feeling like it should be him in that phone but he is the one who chose to run and there's no one to blame for that except himself. He changed his own number, he erased all their numbers, he refused to keep in touch and now, he can't stand here feeling sorry for himself.

"I'm sorry, it sucks," Harry offers. "This should really be done with him."

Louis simply hums, not really replying and not facing Harry as he walks through the store and stares hard at the assortment of flowers before going to the counter and calling the workers over for help. The lady starts showing him different colours and Louis matches it with his tie and ends up with a beautiful light blue colour that's promised to be delivered to his house tomorrow.

Content, Louis walks out of the store with Harry in tow and Harry has no idea what to say, what to do except blindly follow. This feels weird, walking besides Louis and realising how he's gone so much taller than Louis. His body frame is considerably larger, more built and more muscles. He used to compare their height when he was younger, seeing and predicting who would grow faster. He always thought it'd be Louis.

Funny how things work out.

Louis pauses outside the shop, holding a few bags and looking quite stressed considering the frown lines in his forehead as he scans the little selection of cafes across the street before smiling up to Harry. "Want to catch a coffee?"

And this is where Harry should've walked away. There is no way them two should start talking again, even if it's about this goddamn wedding and Harry should've gathered the courage to just go back home and avoid Louis altogether. He was here for him, sure, but it didn't mean he wanted to rekindle any sort of friendship between them. His mind was screaming at him, screeching, telling him to run a mile and not get involved because these two can never, ever be just fucking friends. They'll never be fucking friends. But his heart is begging to stay, he needs to be around Louis in order to understand the depth of his relationship and build a bridge and get over it.

So, he finds himself saying. "Sure."

Louis looks a little taken back by the answer, obviously not expecting him to agree, but looks delighted all at once before he claps his hands like a child. God, he’s so endearing but so adorable and Harry can't help but feel his heart flutter. "Let's go!"

They end up at one of the closest one. It's small, gives a homely feel considering how vintage it looks with the wooden chair and tables and how the workers are all dressed the same. It's just cute, really. And the menu is adorable too. They sit opposite each other, hands and feets to himself as they look through the menu together in comfortable silence.

Harry scans through it, choosing a cup of coffee whilst Louis goes for a cup of tea.

"I heard tea isn't all that in America?" Louis asks, leaning back on his chair.

Harry nods. "Yeah, gotten used to coffee."

He nods. "Do you miss tea?"

"Not particularly. I miss coffee."

They sit in silence for a while, taking this time to appreciate each other and how they've grown and look over the features that have come out during these 4 crucial years. Louis has grown majorly since, looking hotter than ever and he knows it. He gives the feel that he's confident with himself and his body and it's clear that's down to Josh. How great.

"Are you planning to stay in London?" Louis asks, finding ways of conversation and to fill in the silence that keeps growing between them. 

Harry gulps. "No, not really."

"Really? Why not?"

"I want to go home." Harry answers and peeps down at the menu again that hasn't been taken away to avoid Louis's eyes. He doesn't want to read anything and misinterpret them and cause himself more panic. He just needs to be blunt, straight forward and get the hell out of here.

"Home, right," Louis repeats, a little bitter before they get interrupted and their cups of coffee and tea are placed on the table. Louis instantly adds milks and two sugars and starts stirring as Harry looks at his, black coffee, just how he likes it.

"What's your plans for the honeymoon?"

Louis pauses, his eyes widening. "We haven't booked it, yet,"

Harry raises his eyebrows, getting comfortable in his seat despite the awkward situation and lets the words sink in. They aren't going to a honeymoon despite Josh being a millionaire and having enough money to please Louis anyway he likes.

"Really?" He asks, frowning.

"He's busy, he's doing the deal that can change his life right now and going on honeymoons is the last thing we're both concerned about."

Harry smirks. "Right, because like you never wanted to go on a honeymoon."

He remembers back to all the conversations they had about their honeymoon and how onboard Louis used to be. He was always so enthusiastic, wanted to go to exotic places like Bora Bora but also wanted to spend it in more cultural places like Hong Kong and just wanted to travel and see the whole world. That was what they both wanted to do, and planned to, as their honeymoon. A trip of a lifetime.

Louis goes quiet at that, not saying anything and silently taking a sip of his tea whilst keeping eye contact with Harry. "You're hardly anyone to comment on anything about my relationship." He reminds Harry lowly.

God, the last thing Harry wants is this ending in resentment.

"Right, you're right, I'm sorry," Harry sighs, moving his hair out of his face that's getting increasingly long and doesn't want to cut.

"Your hairs gone long," Louis states the obvious causing Harry to laugh for what feels like the first time since he's arrived here.

"Yeah, clearly."

Harry doesn't mean to come off like a complete bitch but right now, he can't even help the words slipping out of his mouth. He thought that in four years, all the childish resentment would've been gone by now and he thought it had. Yesterday, he wasn't hating on Louis for choosing Josh but instead, hating himself for leaving. But sitting here, his actions make some sort of sense - no matter how extreme they were. He wants answers, wants closure but isn't going to bother with that now when this is supposed to be the happiest week of Louis's life. He can't be the one to ruin that and break it down by a silly conversation.

It's better if Louis is happy than him.

All he wants Louis is to be happy... with him.

Biting down on his lips and shaking his head furiously, snapping out of his selfish thoughts and raising his head. "Sorry, I mean... yeah, I quite like it!" Harry says, properly now with more light in his voice that can carry a conversation. He runs his hands through his hair, showing off the curls that he knows Louis adores. Louis probably fell in love with the curls before he fell in love with the boy.

"Your curls aren't that defined anymore."

"Lies!" Harry says like he just heard the biggest scandal, rolling his eyes before grabbing one of his ringlets and pulling it, stretching out the curl before letting it bounce back into it's space, winking and taking a sip of coffee. This is going to be a long day.

Louis is watching with admiration, his smile wide and lazy as he follows and takes a sip of his tea too. He looks so comfortable right here like he wouldn't be anywhere else. Where the hell did time even fly? It was only yesterday they were together, playing around and being idiots and now it's so far gone and they're not even friends. They're practically nothing. Just strangers with history sitting in a coffee shop.

Louis grins. "Those curls will always be the death of me."

"I know," Harry sighs, "I remember you always pulling at them like I had some sort of hair kink."

For a moment, Louis eyes go dark and he nods. "I bet you do."

Harry goes silent. He probably does, he's just never explored to that extent and found out. He just knows it's very pleasurable when someone pulls at your hair, not the extent of it burning your scalp, but it just feels nice. He would quite like it if someone pulled his hair, actually, he realises with a start but pushes his newfound kink at the back of his mind. One day or another, he can experiment more on it. 

"Alright!" Harry claps his hands, moving on from the awkward subject that had risen and not wanting to dwell on that for any longer, not wanting it to go awkward between them. After so long, he's able to have a fucking cup of coffee with Louis and that's all that he wants right now. "So, what you been up to?" Might as well catch up.

Louis sighs. "Not much, I graduated from University with an English degree and now I'm looking around for jobs. I paused for a moment with job hunting to settle down with Josh. You?"

Well, he's done more than Harry has, that's for sure.

He shrugs. "Didn't go university, if I'm being honest."

Louis's eyes widen. "What? Why? You're clever!"

"I am not!" Harry retorts, scoffing. "And well, I don't know. I'm not in LA to study or anything, you know. I'm there for me..."

"For you?"

"To find myself."

Louis doesn't say anything for a second, just staring at Harry before he scoffs and rolls his eyes, returning to his tea. "That's the simple most cheesiest thing you've said."

And they laugh it off like it's a joke though Harry was being dead serious.

The rest of the time at the cafe they just talk and catch up like never before. It feels oddly weird to be sitting here with Louis, talking about how long their days go by and how each day is different. Harry talks about Los Angeles, talks about how he's made a few friends and how they're very loyal and he spends most of his time there. He discusses his first house hunting and his first house purchase, how he basically saved up whilst crashing on Nick's sofa for the longest time. He talks about all these things and more, feeling great to just blurt it out and admit how horrible yet so fabulous Los Angeles has treated him.

Louis, on the other hand, takes his time to talk about Josh and extend each little sentence to a paragraph about him. He talks about how Josh cuddles him on the sofa whilst watching TV and peppering soft kisses all over his face and how sometimes, he returns home early with random tickets to prestige shows like the theatres or the opera, right at the front row. Harry tries not to let it get to him, tries to be happy for this stranger but he can't resist the burn in his throat and how his chest pings so he keeps sipping at his coffee until it's gone. He doesn't care about Louis and Josh, he realises and he definitely doesn't want to hear about it.

Being here is enough. Being reminded of what Harry's lost is a completely different story and it's like Louis's rubbing it in his face.

Finally, they both finish and they sit there still, talking like no tomorrow. They venture off to other topics than Josh and end up talking about what the future holds for them. Harry briefly mentions about his singing in which Louis exclaims "that's bloody brilliant Harry!" and claps his hands like he's genuinely happy for him. Louis mentions wanting to write a book and publish it and work in the editorial department.

Before they know it, the skies are turning dark and even though it's only 5 pm: evenings get dark here quick in the winter. They stand up from their seat, leaving their empty cups of coffee and tea right there before walking out. It's gone considerably colder now, the wind nipping at their cheeks as Louis bundles up into his turtle neck.

"Do you want this?" Harry offers, shrugging off his coat before Louis can even get out a reply.

Louis shakes his head. "Don't be stupid, I don't need it."

But Harry doesn't listen, drapes it around Louis anyway and he pauses for a second before accepting the warmth and cuddling into it.

"Thank you," he whispers to Harry earnestly in which Harry just nods.

They walk to the tube station together, catching the tube back home and they carry on talking. It feels comfortable, it feels just right and Harry realises he's waited too long to return back home. He's missed Louis, honestly. Missed his sassy comments and sarcastic comebacks and how he's always so lively, how he always has something to say, how he's always happy and always feeling so lucky about himself.

In the midst of it all, Louis's phone rings and he smiles apologetically before picking it up. "Josh?" He hisses in the phone, his voice full of worry. Harry listens intently, trying to make out the words even though it's not his place but doesn't understand anything until Louis says. "What? What is it now?" Another pause. "This isn't fair, you know." Another few seconds. "Alright, whatever. Goodbye." Louis hangs up, throwing his phone back in his pockets rather aggressively.

Harry sits there for a few moments, not sure what to do before he begins to speak and Louis cuts him off. "Let's go back to yours."

And Harry shuts his mouth, nodding and agreeing without a word.

His mind is still screaming at him to decline it, tell him he's busy and that Louis should go home. That nothing good comes from two old lovers being alone at one house. But, his heart is begging him to take the offer, that he almost needs this offer to carry on with his pitiful life the day after the marriage.

*

Harry double checks that Gemma isn't at her house that once used to be his, making sure she's at the family home and asked if the key is still under the flower pot like it used to be. He knows it'll be suspicious if he turns up to the family home with Louis in tow, so many questions will be raised and Harry just wants privacy and time alone with Louis. That's all he wants.

Outside the station, it's a short walk until the house and Harry feels nostalgic as he looks over the familiar houses surrounding the roads, how he once returned here all the time and how Anne had brought this place ages ago so Harry can move in one day and how the house was only used for about a year with Gemma. Until he moved out altogether and left it to Gemma and her boyfriend. He was so young but yet had so much sense of freedom.

Louis glances around. "I remember this place," he whispers under his breath, like his afraid of his voice raising any higher. "You moved here on your 18th birthday, didn’t you? You were so goddamn hyped about this place."

Harry nods. "Yeah."

"You left only a month before you were 19." Louis says, his voice hostile and has a hint of betrayal.

So, Harry spent his 19th birthday alone in Los Angeles sitting by one of the boys that is now his best friend. He had been sitting at the restaurant, sipping a diet soda and his pathetic pasta just sitting there. He had been so feeling so homesick that day and James came in and helped Harry find his feet around. The first job was a fake ID which a week later, they used to get into clubs and the rest of the nights were numb and clouded. From there, he met Nick and they instantly clicked like they were always supposed to be friends. 

"Yeah," Harry just shrugs like it's no big deal because either way, he would've been in pain on his 19 birthday and it was better that he was further away from this toxic environment.

He crouches down to the flowerpot, picking up the key and unlocking the door. It's slightly creaky but opens after a moments of struggle, the interior of the house exactly how Harry left it. Not one thing has been moved and changed and he can imagine Gemma using this as an excuse to feel closer to Harry.

Louis looks around too, his mouth open as he takes in the house. "It looks exactly the same as it did when I last came here," he notes, anyway, like it's necessary.

Harry shrugs as he ushers them both in, shutting the door behind them and cranks the heat up. Louis thanks him silently, handing over the coat and going straight into the living room where they would sit and play their video games for hours on end with cold pizza and diet coke. This place holds so many precious moments of them growing up. Only two years here but still, it means a lot.

Louis sits down on the sofa slowly, letting himself sink in and sighing loudly.

Harry sits besides him, putting on the TV to avoid any awkward silence that might arise between them and then tries to relax but can't help but feeling tense. "Where's Josh?" He ends up asking since the time is 7pm and he should be home by now.

"Can I have a drink?" Louis asks instead.

He hesitates, not sure what to say and since it's not really his house, is he allowed to just go through Gemma's alcohol and pick anything up? But he watches how hopeful Louis looks, his eyes wide and hungry and tense and it's clear he needs something to keep himself off the edge. Whatever is going on between him and Josh is none of Harry's business and he needs to keep his distance. So instead, he nods and walks back into the kitchen, into the liquor cupboard.

"Gemma keeps.." he starts, looking through the selection and finding the really cheap alcohol that burns your throat and the expensive wine. He pauses, shaking his head and pulling out the red wine to pour a glass before bringing it back. He coughs awkwardly, handing it over. "You're probably used to these... drinks."

Louis looks Harry dead straight in the eye, a sad expression written all over them before he grabs the glass and takes a small sip, nodding. "Yeah.." he sighs. "Josh likes wine and what not."

"I bet he does."

Harry slouches back to his seat on the sofa, changing the channel to make it look like his busy and not doing anything except stare at Louis drink and watch the liquid go down his throat. He just wants the boy to feel comfortable here, not be on the edge and constantly thinking about other things. The boys getting married in a matter of a few days now, he needs to relax completely.

"Thank you." Louis says.

Harry just nods in acknowledgement.

"Josh works till really late," Louis finally adds in, answering Harry's question from before but his voice sounds weary and broken down like he's tired of thinking about it. Like he doesn't want to think about this. Instead, he runs a hand through his already messy hair and his shoulders slump further. "God, I just want him to be with me sometimes, you know?"

Harry doesn't want to feel jealous, he doesn't want to feel that ping in his chest and how his throat feels dry when Louis says that. He has to understand his place now. He's no less than a stranger, no more than a friend. He's just someone Louis used to know and had the manners enough to invite back to London for a wedding. He has no place to be meddling into Louis's love life, want to know more and he had no right to want to tell him to shut up about Josh - even if he was the one to ask.

"How comes?" Harry ends up asking instead because damn, at least it's some sort of conversation and not just radio silence.

Louis doesn't move for a second, his eyes glued to the glass of red wine and he stares at it like his whole life depends on it. His finger traces around the side of the glass, around and around, clearly distracted and lost in his own thoughts before he sighs loudly. "I guess he has a lot of work since he's finally making it somewhere, you know? Has to finalise many deals for us and our future and our well being."

"Then you shouldn't be upset."

"I know!" Louis interjects, his voice going a few octaves higher in desperation. "Harry, I know. I just want to feel like he appreciates me sometimes."

He resists the urge to roll his eyes because seriously? This is what Louis is thinking about when there's 6 days to his wedding? Whether or not the stupid boy even appreciates Louis? Who in the world wouldn't? Who would pass up on this boy who is so sinfully beautiful with his perfect figure, every curve outlining his body and it's everything Harry wants but can't have.

He should've gotten a glass for himself. This is going to be a long day.

"I'm sure he does," Harry tries instead, his voice steady and small with no hints of hostility because it's clear Louis is still insecure like he used to be and sometimes just needs some little reassurance. As much as it kills Harry to do this, he has to. "Listen, if he didn't, he wouldn't of thrown that huge party yesterday."

Louis sighs, considering this and then nodding. "I know, you're right. The party was great, really. He spent a lot of money on it but our relationship isn't just about money, you know?"

"What do you mean?" He just wants to understand, get a better insight at this relationship. He would've known more if he attempted to care but he didn't and he steered clear for a fucking reason.

Louis shrugs. "It doesn't matter."

Harry wants to argue, tell him it does and they should talk about it and get all the insecurities out of the way. It shouldn't be clouding his mind when there's only a few days to the wedding but Harry is glad for the subject change. Instead, he nods and leans back on the sofa more.

"Do you remember this room?" Harry asks instead, smiling at the little memories being formed in his mind about how this room was always theirs and how they always used this room to sort any arguments they had. Not to mention the movie marathons they used to do, all night with countless junk surrounding them. God, life used to be so carefree and light and easy and now it's the heaviest thing Harry has had to deal with. "How we always preferred this room to the whole room?"

Louis laughs a little and nods, sighing. "I do, actually. It was my favourite room in the house. It just feels homely and comfortable."

"We used to come here straight after college, do our homework and eat food and try and see who gets distracted first. The first one had to do a dare." Harry chuckles in memory of how stupid their games used to be but how Harry used to be so hooked by them.

"And remember the one time I made you go onto the streets in your boxers screaming you love me?" Louis is now fully laughing, for the first time since Harry has returned, something that is clear that this isn't a fake smile or laugh. In fact, his eyes are scrunched are shut and there are crinkles as he throws his head back and lets out a glorious sound. It's the type of sounds that Harry doesn't mind recording and listening back to all day, never getting tired of it.

He used to hear this all the time, all day and he used to love Louis so much. He still does.

"And I actually did it," Harry adds in, remembering back to the day. He was always completely comfortable with being nude, never minded stripping down and embracing his body. He had happily taken his trousers off, not like Louis hasn't seen it before at the time, and went running out of the front door with Louis in tow, in disbelief. "It was quite liberating, actually."

Louis shakes his head a little, stifling his laughs. "I was shocked and wanted to shout at you to come back inside! I never imagined you'd actually do it." There's a pause. "That's the thing about you, you always do things no one would've thought of."

Harry feels like this is a clear indirect about him moving halfway across the world and he tries not to comment, stays silent as he crosses his legs and folds his arms together. Guarded, all of a sudden. He's never explained himself for going to Los Angeles, though people have asked, and he doesn't feel like starting anytime soon.

"Well.." He coughs, his voice croaky. "You know what I'm like."

"No, no, I don't actually." Louis disagrees at once, shaking his head sympathetically and with a sad smile. "I thought I knew you but I don't, at all."

Harry wants to say no, Louis does. After all, they've spent most of their time together and they have done everything together starting from their first kiss to their first time. They have shared everything together like they were made to be together, literal soul mates. Louis's seen Harry's insecurities, his dreams, his weaknesses and failures and he was right next to Harry for each one without fail. He never let Harry down, never let him feel like he didn't belong. Not until Josh came into the picture.

"What do you mean?" Harry whimpers a little, sounding pathetic and unusually small for the first time.

Louis chuckles once, short, shrugging. "Well, I never thought -- it never even crossed my mind- that you would move to Los Angeles. Damn."

Well, Harry was right about it being an indirect.

"Why does it matter? I felt like I needed to get out so I did." Harry replies shortly, cutting the conversation off and hoping Louis understands that this is a topic of discussion that isn't allowed to be discussed. They don't need to talk about it.

"But why?" Louis turns towards Harry now, his eyes blown up and he looks desperate and needy right now. His glass is empty, still in his hand. "Why was it so necessary to drop everything, to run away? Are you a coward, really?"

Coward.

Harry repeats that words in his mind a few times, letting it soak in and it's meaning. Louis thinks he's a coward. A coward who can't face his problems and finds the solution is running away. He deserves it. He knows he is. But Louis has no right to be shoving that word to him. He was the coward who went the easy route, went to Josh and left Harry like it meant nothing in the first place. Things like that just don't go away, it becomes a permanent scar on the heart that hurts but never heals.

"Coward?" Harry repeats. He definitely needs a drink, he should get up and get one right now but he can't find the heart to move from where he's sitting. He's looking directly at Louis in the eye now, wide and in disbelief. "Me, coward? Really?"

Louis doesn't waste a second to nod his head eagerly, fully agreeing. "You could've stayed, your problems were probably temporary."

So, does Louis not know he's the reason Harry felt like he just had to move away? Is he acting stupid and playing dumb or does he actually have no clue? Either way, it makes Harry's head spin because how can they actually be talking about this? How did they end up here, in this house, discussing this? He never thought this day would come, he didn't want to talk to Louis again for the longest time but now he just misses Louis.

"Please," Harry snaps back to reality, realising where this conversation was going and he rolls his eyes. He keeps his posture guarded, afraid of saying something he'll regret. "Please, I don't want to talk about this and we should never."

Louis looks over, his eyes pleading to know more and it's clear he is curious to know what's going on in Harry's mind. "Tell me, why did you move without a word? A message? A call? You could've fucking told me Harry."

Harry glares now, fully glaring, and he feels fury coming over him. He hates that Louis is making him feel like the culprit in this situation, like Louis has played no role to what it has come down to. It's not fucking fair and Harry doesn't deserve it. He tries to control himself, clenching his shaking fists and biting down on his lips to stop any words coming out that he doesn't mean or want to say. He tries a technique Nick has taught him, counting down from 10 and tapping one finger on his hands, but it doesn't seem to be working.

"Louis." He warns, his voice low but dangerous as he gets up from his seat and without even thinking he edges towards Louis. For once, Harry shuts off his thoughts that are begging him to do the right thing and just focuses on what matters right now. With all the frustration building up inside him, raising higher every second, bubbling close to the surface, he closes his eyes and shifts forward until his legs are touching Louis's. "Shut the fuck up." He continues.

Louis is watching Harry, his eyes wide open and his pupils looking larger as he stares in shock, mostly. He looks slightly out of space, like he's sitting in a daydream and one hand clutches the sofa rest and the other absentmindedly grabbing at Harry's hips.

But Harry shakes his head, slapping the hand away and not daring to break eye contact with Louis. This is the closest he's come to him in the longest time and just their legs touching, knee to knee, it feels good but yet so wrong.

"What are you doing?" Louis asks, his voice barely audible and tiny, extremely tiny. Good, he finally shuts up.

"Don't talk," Harry says, his voice just as small but strong as he slowly climbs into Louis's lap. He isn't entirely sure what he's doing, just needs to feel closer to him somehow and needs to hold Louis but all the same, he wants him to fuck off and never return. He wants to go back to feeling distant and empty, it was easier that way. Harry is now straddling him, sitting dangerously close to Louis's crotch but he doesn't even care right now. All sense of responsibility and doing the right thing has been switched off on his brain and all he can think is Louis. "Don't fucking talk, please," he repeats, whiny and slow and a harsh contrast to his previously dominant voice only a few seconds ago.

Louis is mumbling incoherent words under his breath, cursing, as he moves forward to grab Harry's hips again, to feel something but Harry doesn't allow it. He slaps the hand away again, glaring and that keeps Louis's hands grounded.

"You know exactly why I moved to LA," Harry carries on, slightly, just slowly, with the right amount of pressure, starts to roll his hips around on Louis's lap. He wants the boy to feel something, frustration, to leave him here like a mess so he knows exactly how Harry feels. Grinding just seems to be the best option to raise Louis to that blissful moment before painfully moving off to not let him release that pleasure. That’s the plan so he starts grinding slowly, moving his hips over Louis and letting out a choked. "You know why." 

Louis is gasping, taking a deep breath as his hands shake uncontrollably in the need to feel closer, to feel Harry. "I want to hold-"

Harry cuts him off, shaking his head. "You don't get to, Louis. You just don't."

"Please."

"No." Harry shakes his head with a slightly tilt, observing Louis up more close. He realises his stubble is much more than simple bum fluff and his eyes are the same bright blue they used to be, not dull like at the party. He looks completely alert and awake, rather panicked as he moves his hands awkwardly, unsure what to place them. Feeling quite pleased with how Louis is right now, he starts moving his hips more, fully grinding down on Louis now. "I erased you off my life, you know why and you're still asking me why."

Louis just shakes his head now, not even speaking, and squeezing his eyes shut at the pleasure and the friction of Harry's small hips moving over his crotch. Harry can see his semi-hard, smirks to himself, feeling quite proud. He has Louis exactly where he wants him even after all these years, he didn't fool anyone.

"Harry, stop being a tease," Louis mutters through his teeth.

"No, baby, I'm not," Harry smirks. He isn't sure where this devilish side has arisen from but he quite likes it, it feels free and good and he just wants Louis to feel the same agony he did that night he found it crucial to flee. The day he packed his bag with tears rolling down his face, writing a letter with ink blotches everywhere for his mother to read the next day. Night flights are quite lonely when you're on your own.

Louis isn't even capable of words by now, just moving against the rhythm Harry is setting as Harry continues rolling his hips. By now, Harry is feeling aroused too, missed the contact between Louis so much and though he wants to stay strong, he can't help but reach up and press his hands down Louis's sides. Louis looks completely blissed out, mouth wide open as Harry continues to move also just as hard now.

But he knows he needs to stop now, needs to walk away, needs to leave Louis now so before they can continue any further, Harry stops all movements. Though it’s difficult and he wants to continue, wants to feel that comfort and needs to feel Louis. Just Louis. 

Louis's mouth comes flying shut, eyes wide. "W-what?"

Without a word, Harry climbs off his lap and tries to conceal his hard on, turning around and grabbing the empty glass of wine to place in the kitchen.

"I'm going back home and I'm going to lock the doors up so I suggest you leave," Harry says, voice distant and cold.

Louis follows into the kitchen, his hands still awkwardly running down himself like he has no idea where to place them or what to do and he looks so fucking needy. His flushed red, eyes twinkling, hair even messier. "W-what? Now?" He asks in disbelief.

"Yeah, now," Harry controls his voice, nodding. He can finish off at home, he can wank off to Louis in the comfort and safety of his own home, he doesn't need to do anything more right now.

Louis looks pissed, unbelievable, look of disbelief written all over his face. "What was that for?"

Harry just moves forward, leaning right close to Louis's ear so his hot breath is hitting it and whispers. "Last time I recall, you're getting married in 6 days. Stop being annoyed and go home to your fiance." And with that, grabs the keys and walks towards the front door.

**

Harry feels strangely empty, even more so, when he finally reaches his house and slips through the door to see Anne and Gemma sitting on the sofa with their plates of dinner. He feels half fulfilled, a longing feeling in his stomach. After he walked away from Louis who was huffing and cursing under his breath, kicking a rock before he walked away, Harry watched him go and then took a walk along the park. Though it was dark and it wasn't the safest option, it felt soothing and calming somehow and he instantly relaxed. Plus, his hard on softened and then he decided to return home.

Now, he just feels a strange feeling deep in his stomach that causes him to just flop down on the sofa without a word, right besides his mum and tries to cuddle into her sides.

She giggles a little, caught off guard, and puts her plate of roast chicken done to hold her son closer to her. "How was your day, H?"

He hums with a shrug. "I'm hungry," he responds instead.

"I'll fix you a plate," Gemma says simply, putting her own plate down and getting up gracefully, walking into the kitchen to warm Harry a plate up.

Harry just sighs contently. He doesn't remember the last time he felt so close to his mother, able to breathe in that same scent of hers that was so homely and provided the right sort of comfort. He closes his eyes, focuses on his breathing and not how good Louis smells or feels or looks. He doesn't need to think about Louis at all, doesn't even want to remember how frustrated he was once he walked away.

Anne doesn't say a word, doesn't force the conversation but rather runs her hands through Harry's curls and goes completely lax. She focuses on the TV instead, keeping her hand comfortably in his hair and watches like her life depends on it.

At some point, Gemma returns with Harry's plate and he struggles out of her hold to start eating though he really doesn't have an appetite and still feels quite full from the coffee he drank earlier. But for his family's sake, he sits there with a forced smile and chews every last bit of his chicken and his vegetables and drinks his water, sipping it back to force the food down him.

Gemma watches with curious eyes but doesn't comment, sipping at her glass of wine.

After an hour or so, Anne gets up to go to sleep since she's been up all day and needs to get some rest. She kisses Harry's forehead, lingering a little like she's afraid of letting go and then kisses Gemma's cheeks before running up the stairs. It leaves Harry and Gemma alone, with another round of coffee and tea, watching the TV.

He can feel the string of questions coming.

Right on cue, Gemma clears her throat. "Where were you today?"

"Nowhere in particular." Harry answers, keeping his eyes trained on the TV whilst sipping at his cup of coffee.

"What places do you visit?"

"Stayed mostly in Oxford Street." Harry replies with reminds him. He pulls at one of the bags he got earlier when he was shopping, bringing out the envelope necklace, smiling at it before fondly reaching over and giving it to Gemma.

She looks at it with a confused expression. "Necklace?"

Harry nods, confirming. "Necklace. For you. From me."

Gemma looks a little surprised, not sure whether it's a joke but stares at the necklace for a while, lamely stroking the heart on the envelope. Then, she looks up, looking sad. "Why?"

Harry snorts. "You're making it seem like I can't gift my older sister something. It's just a little something, from me. I hoped you'd like gasp and thank me." He tries not to sound like he's affected by Gemma's reaction, just sitting there patiently.

Until Gemma nods, her eyes watery that she wipes at furiously. "I like it, I really like it." She jumps up from her place, hugging Harry tightly until he can't even breathe but he likes it. It feels comforting ans he nuzzles his nose into her neck. "Thank you so much."

"It's alright.. I guess, it's just something to to remind you of me.."

"When you return to LA," Gemma finishes, nodding and putting the necklace, giving one long look at Harry before going upstairs too.

Harry sighs loudly, pulling at his curls and slumping down on the sofa in more frustration than he can explain.

**

Harry wakes up the next morning on the sofa, not realising he had fallen asleep right here, with a blanket around him. Probably Anne. He yawns, stretching out his limbs that had been placed in an uncomfortable position due to how tall he is and how small the sofa is. After a moment, he stops feeling so dazed and grabs at his phone to check all his messages. He has a few from back home and he scrolls through them.

It's mostly all drunk texts, all asking him to return back and that they're all thinking of him. Feeling a little flattered, he types out a little reply to them all before going back to his messages to notice Liam had also text him, asking him to come over today.

Well, there goes his plans of staying in and being a lazy slob and watching movies with popcorn. He has plans instead.

Jumping up from the sofa, he wanders into the kitchen where Anne and Gemma are both having breakfast and he joins them for the first time in three years. He feels a little upset when all the memories of them doing this everyday runs through his mind but he tries not to dwell on it, rather focusing on the moment, and sits down, grabbing at food to put in his plate. He ends up with waffles and strawberries.

"Perfect, as always," he compliments Anne who just blushes and shakes her head.

"Has to be perfect for my baby."

Harry just nods, laughing and starts eating, feeling satisfied. He eats slowly, chewing each bite and gulping it down as he looks around the table at his little family here. He loves how Gemma is staying here with them, not back with her boyfriend and spending some quality family time with them. He feels horrible that he's going to go off to see Liam and Zayn today but he feels like he needs to balance time out with everyone before returning back. If Liam and Zayn actually want to meet him and make plans willingly, he can’t cancel or refuse to go. He should be glad there’s someone who actually even wants to conversate with him. 

So, once he's done, he informs his mother of plans and then slips out of the house after a shower and change of clothes. He starts driving down to Liam's house, observing how familiar the roads are and how the directions just come naturally to him like he hasn't left at all after all. It’s almost like he remembers everyday like it was only yesterday, the destinations and journeys just the same, just how he left it. Thankfully, there’s no traffic and the roads are relatively clear for a weekday afternoon and the whole journey is blissfully smooth.

Once he turns up to Liam's, he cuts off the engine and sits outside for a second to catch his breath. . He had grabbed at a bottle of wine and some chocolates before turning up, feeling obligated to gift them and then he gets out of the car and makes his way over the front door. He knocks, taking a step back but quite surprised when Louis opens the door.

"Oh," his smile falls right off his face, not having planned to meet him before the wedding day now. This day was supposed to be with Liam and Zayn, it was supposed to be tension free and just calm. It wasn’t supposed to be with the guy he was sexually frustrated over and couldn’t get his mind over. He scans Louis, how he looks devastated and how his hair is unusually messier today and how he looks like he needs a good nights rest. "Zayn and Liam?"

"They're inside." He says coldly. "Surprising, those bastards didn't mention anyone else turning up." 

Harry could say the same. 

There's a nervous chuckle from inside the house, clearly Liam's, and Harry doesn't try to react as he steps into the house and joining them in the living room. Both Liam and Zayn are lazing on the sofa, cuddling and watching a movie with chinese take out on the table in front of them. It’s so domestic and like they are a married couple, it’s adorable to watch. 

Liam gets up, smiling wide and pulling Harry into a hug. "Great to have you here boy."

Harry just nods, trying to gulp down how thick his throat feels and hands over the bottle and the chocolate box. "Didn't forget your favourites."

Zayn chuckles from where he's sitting. "Still got a soft heart?"

"Always." Harry confirms.

Liam takes it off him, looking grateful as he claps his hands on Harry's shoulders. "Much appreciated, Styles. You really didn't need to. Come, join us."

Harry looks around the house awkwardly, just visually taking it in and how the whole place is a mixture of Liam and Zayn. There's sophistication, more modern things around the house and different technology games which clearly shouts Liam but then there's little artistics pieces which is totally Zayn. In fact, Harry is convinced that the painting hanging on the wall opposite him is done by Zayn. It has his signature. The whole house practically screams Liam and Zayn from every angle, it’s so like them and the whole house is so homely and provides the right amount of comfort one needs. 

"I, erm, thought it'd be us three," he mutters, trying not to sound rude but there was no easier way to say it when Louis is standing right there. 

Zayn glances up, coughing and just simply patting the space besides him for Harry to sit. "I didn't think you'd mind, really. I hope it's not a problem?" He asks directly at Harry and Harry hates being put on the spot. Of course it would be a problem, he would mind - what kind of question is that? But he couldn’t exactly say anything, couldn’t go home and leave them alone. 

Liam, from the kitchen, looks back with a slight eyebrow raise as Zayn and him both look hopelessly at Harry. It's clear that they want to spend time with Louis before he's officially married and much more busy in his own affairs and they don't want him to go. Who is Harry to split the happy threesome up? He’s the one who shouldn’t even be here in the first place. He has no right to break apart and cause issues on top of the current ones. 

Before he can even speak up, silent for a moment too long, Louis clears his throat and edges towards the coat hanger. "I'll leave, it's no problem."

Harry's vision blurs as he shakes his head instantly. As much as he doesn't want to be around the older boy, doesn't want to share the happiness because it doesn't involve him - as selfish as it is - he sure as hell doesn't want him to go. He might as well absorb all the time he has left here, with these lads, before he disappears for sure and never returns back here. He never wants to come back to London after this wedding. And he has to start moving on and find someone. Actually, he might just text Nick to keep a look out on some guys around that might be interested.

"No, no," Harry says. "You don't need to go, I'm being stupid. Stay." His voice almost breaks, pleading at the end and Louis looks satisfied.

With a simple grin, he lowers his hand from the coat hanger and returns to the table where all the boys are sitting. He grabs a chair and sits opposite them, picking up one of the Chinese takeaway boxes and starts eating. "I'm glad you say so, Harry."

Harry doesn't have the heart to reply. All that's running through his mind are memories from yesterday, how close they were and how they were touching after so long. Louis's touch is electrifying, it makes Harry feel alive and gives him hope. He thinks back to the time they used to make out in their bedroom beds, kissing until teeth were clashing and they were breathless but they never wanted anything more than each other. That's exactly what Harry wants right now too as his eyes feel weak and he feels drained. He can’t have that now, even if he tried because it’s just a little too late. He wants to hurt Louis equally as much, want him to feel the pit of fury Harry has growing inside of him and how each look is painful.

It's exactly why Harry should stay away, find it more comforting to let Louis follow his own happiness and get married without him here messing it up. It's only been merely two days and Harry's already let his desires got the best of him and grinded on Louis who didn't have the heart to stop him.

His thoughts are interrupted by his phone ringing harshly and loud. He gives all the lads an apologetic smile before checking the caller ID to see it's Cara, one of his friends back at LA. If it's only 2pm here, it's quite early in the morning back at LA and he frowns as he picks up the call.

"Cara?" Harry says.

"We miss you!" She squeals back and it's clear that she is drunk.

He tries not to sigh heavily, repressing all facial expressions as he pulls his eyebrows together and starts rubbing his temple. Normally, it's completely fine that his friends have a drink or two but it makes him highly uncomfortable when it's Cara because she seems to lose all control and ends up making really bad decisions. She basically needs someone around her 24/7.

"Is Nick there?" He asks, rolling his eyes. He should really back away and take this call privately but his mind isn't even focusing on that right now. Right now, he just needs Cara to be okay and to be surrounded by someone who can look after him and the only one he relies on is Nick. He needs Nick to be there. 

Cara scoffs. "Of course he is. Do you think he'll let me go anywhere alone whilst you're back in boring London?"

Harry laughs. "Tell Nick to take you home, wherever you are and I'll be back soon dear. Missing all of you's."

"When will you return?" He can practically hear the frown in her voice.

"Maybe much sooner than you'd expect. Now, go and drinks loads of water and I'll see you soon."

"Bye Harry!" She kisses through the phone before the line goes dead and he chuckles to himself, shaking his head and pocketing his phone. He truly has some weird friends but he couldn't imagine living there without them. They make his life worth living, a reason to wake up and meet someone and a reason to text someone goodbye with the intention of meeting them tomorrow. Los Angeles and this whole idea of escaping to another country wouldn’t be worth it if he didn’t have his friends by his side. 

Then Harry returns his focus to the other three lads who are watching intently, probably listening really closely too, and keep on staring. They have no idea who Harry affiliates now, who he talks to and gets along with and he keeps that side to him privately for a reason. He doesn’t need the past and present blurring to make things more complicated than they already are for him. 

He feels uncomfortable as he shrugs. "What?"

Zayn is the first to respond, smiling. "You never told us what it's like there and your new friends, it seems."

New friends. Hah. He's been with these losers for years. They are no longer new people, they are rather old and insufferable but it’s all good all the same. 

"Well," Harry laughs nervously, running his hand through his curls and away from his face before his lips twitch into a smile at the thought of his friends. They are all wonderful people, always having Harry's interests at heart and treating him like their baby brother. "They are adorable people. Quite a bunch. Nick, James, Cara and others. Really friendly, always by my side to guide me through the city and what not. I adore them."

Zayn looks pleased with his news, his eyes bright and wide as he nods. "That sounds good. I'm glad you have someone there you can rely on and fall back on." Why does Zayn always full of the right things to say and no resentment to hold though he’s been wrongfully abandoned by Harry? How does the boy stay so forgiving, so warmhearted and so open? Harry wants a few tips from him.

Liam doesn't look nearly as happy though, his eyes distant as he looks at his glass of water like it's the most interesting thing in the world. Louis too, who is staring at the ground. They both don't seem to like Harry's friends at all or even the topic of his friends. It should be understandable but it makes Harry’s mind cloudy. 

He shifts uncomfortably in his seat. "Yeah, I guess."

Liam clears his throat, effectively changing the subject to avoid any awkward talk between them. It’s clear he doesn’t want to discuss anymore and instead, reaches out and grabs Zayn’s hand. "Anyways, I'm quite hungry. Let's put a movie on and eat our Chinese."

The rest of the day as follows. They each have a takeaway box, eating it with chopsticks to which Harry gives up and switches to a normal fork and watch a few movies. They start with a comedy, hangover, and then quickly move to a romantic movie - which wasn't the best idea. Because each scene, each dialogue reminds Harry of Louis and his blue mesmerizing eyes. Romantic movies where his and Louis’s things, the films they’d put on and watch together in silence whilst kissing and cuddling. He doesn't need that reminder when that boy is sitting two feet away from him. Harry asks for the movie to be changed and though the boys protest, they switch on a horror movie.

Harry isn't the biggest fan of horror movies, feels quite scared after a few hours that the fear has properly settled in and he definitely isn't looking forward to it now either. He grabs his empty takeaway box now, covering his eyes whenever a jump scene is around the corner. He doesn’t care how much of a child he looks, vulnerable and completely afraid - he needs to save himself. 

Louis, on the other hand, is on edge of his seat with excitement and making noises, sounds to distract them all and get them more hyped for the movie. Harry wants him to shut up sometimes and right now is that moment.

When another jump scare is building up, Harry clutches his empty box and tries to subtly cover his eyes to not make it obvious. He doesn't want the rest of the boys laughing at him at something as stupid as this movie that he is hardly even paying attention and just before the tension builds for the scene, Louis jumps right in front of him and screams as loud as he can. Being as petite he is, he can release surprisingly rather loud sounds to scare Harry. 

It causes Harry to jump right out of his scene, his box and the phone sitting on his lap flying out of his hold and fall to the ground. He frowns immediately, cursing under his breath and not meeting Louis's eyes as he bends down to pick up his stuff.

Zayn laughs, clutching his sides. "Don't give the poor boy a scare!"

Louis just winks. "I think he deserves it."

Harry doesn't even bother to respond, doesn't try to attempt to come with a feeble comeback as he settles back down with his phone now in his hands. Taking the focus off the movie with a rather ruined mood, he's not entirely sure why, and starts texting other people instead. He doesn’t like how Louis is acting like everything is alright between them when it feels like the opposite. He didn’t appreciate the scare either, not really Louis’s space to do anything. He starts a conversation with Gemma, begging her to cook lasagne and that he's going to try and escape from here soon.

For the most part, all the boys stay silent and continue watching the movie as Harry keeps his eyes glued to his screen, not realising how the movie is progressing. Zayn and Liam cuddle up to each other, Liam only occasionally jumping and Zayn just giggling fondly and covering his eyes. Louis looks a little out of place, huffing at the cute couple and wrapping his arms around himself as he looks at the screen, sometimes glancing to Harry. Harry doesn't look up.

Finally, Louis clears his throat. "I think you're being quite rude, Harry."

It breaks his concentration that he's been pouring into his phone to not have any conversation with the boy but he just can't shut up. He looks up, with a bored expression, looking into Louis's eyes with a raised eyebrow. "How so?"

"Well, firstly, you've returned after so long and now, you're not even spending any time with us. Instead, you're hell bent on the same people you just left two days ago."

Harry tries to stifle a sarcastic laugh and just rolls his eyes, locking his phone anyway. Louis has no right to sit there and tell Harry what to do, he doesn't have to spend any time with Louis. His the boy getting married, why is he even here? He should be busy, arranging last minute plans and getting this wedding on the road. Has he picked out his suit? Rings? Cake? Food? All the preparations?

"I'm sorry that you wanted to watch stupid movies when you know exactly how much I hate horror movies," he replied stubbornly. He isn't sure where this mood is arising from, he's never rude and never lets his mood get the best of him but right now, Louis seems to be getting on his nerves.

Louis looks surprised, not expecting Harry to actually talk back in such a way. "You hate horror movies?" He questions.

Harry grits his teeth, trying not to groan out loud in frustration. "You know, I've told you so many times."

"Oh, I don't know Harry," Louis's tone is different now, completely cold as he leans back in his chair with a snarky facial expression and he looks... hurt. His eyes are a little dark and small, almost sad. "You tell me, it's been quite a fucking while, hasn't it? Do you still hate horror movies or do you know enjoy them? Let's ask, oh I don't know, Nick or James or Cara!"

Harry isn't sure where this is coming from, looking dead straight in his eyes. "Are you angry at me for having friends?"

He can tell just how tense Zayn and Liam are, sitting in the corner and watching the commotion without a word. They are probably enjoying this, think the two boys need to talk this out after three years of radio silence. Still, they don’t move an inch or so much breathe. 

Louis scoffs, throwing his arms in the end out of frustration like he always does.. "I don't fucking care you have friends but you've seemed to forgotten who else are your friends!"

"Zayn and Liam?" Harry challenges, raising an eyebrow. "Sure, they are my friends."

Louis looks at Harry in disbelief, pain written all of his expression as he splutters over his words, forming incoherent sentences. "Wh-what?"

"We're not friends, Louis." Harry says lowly. "We weren't friends, we will never be just friends."

And with that, he gets up from the sofa and decides it's his cue to leave. Harry really didn't want this day to turn into this. He honestly just wanted a chill day with Zayn and Liam, to catch up on life and see how they're getting along. He wanted to know more about their relationship, get to know the cute little details and how they managed to get together. But Louis just has to ruin it with his comments and always needing to be so hyperactive, to have all attention on him. He turns to the happy couple with a frown.

"I'm sorry, I have to go anyway," he pathetically lies, not wanting it to seem like he's running out because of Louis. "Gemma prepared some food, need to spend some time with family."

Liam gulps, nodding but he doesn’t look the slightest bit impressed. "Yeah, sure, Harry."

Zayn jumps up from under Liam's hold, glaring at Louis for a minute before muttering out a barely audible. "I'll escort him out," and steers Harry towards the front door. Behind him, he can hear Louis shout out a faint. "I fucking hate him!"

**

The next day feels slow and endless and Harry just wants to sleep. Jet lag is still getting to him, he's still stuck in the Los Angeles time zone and it's a rather drastic change. He tries to control himself, tries to get as much sleep as he can and get up at the right time but he isn't surprised when he rolls out of bed at 1pm. He goes downstairs to see the house eerily quiet and only Anne sitting in the living room with a cup of coffee. She smiles when she notices Harry walk through the door, patting the space besides her.

"You never wake up this late," she comments, taking a sip of her coffee and alternating between staring at the TV and him.

Harry shrugs, yawning and rubbing his eyes from the lack of hours the night before. He should really make himself a cup of coffee to wake himself up more, the caffeine will do him some good. "I know, not used to the timings."

"Ah," she nods. "Where you off today?"

Harry shrugs again, not wanting to be anywhere today. After yesterday, he felt quite shit and just wanted to avoid Louis altogether. He was tired of being around him, having to see him and pretending all of this okay when there is so much unresolved conflict between them. He needs to talk, need to sort it out but he doesn't have the heart to bring up the past. He just wants to get it over and done with, out of the way, bury it forever.

"I'm not entirely sure. Don't have many plans."

Anne smiles. "Why don't you meet Niall?"

"Niall hates me, mum." Harry groans, rolling his eyes and cuddling into Anne's sides and nuzzling his nose there. He sniffs a little. He hasn't cried in so long, months and months and he isn't going to start now. He just feels emotionally, overwhelmed, nothing more.

Anne scoffs, shaking her head. "The boy couldn't hate anyone even if he tried. He's annoyed, that's different, it's temporary."

"Why?"

Anne stares at Harry seriously for a second like she can't even belief he has asked the question as she finishes the last drop of her coffee and places her cup down on the place. "Dear, you guys have been friends since... like what? 4?"

"6." Harry corrects.

"Exactly. You and him have done everything together, watched each other grow up. Louis only came into the picture a few years later. Niall was here first, he was the one you've known longest and he's never let you down, has he?"

Harry thinks back to his life when he was living in London, all the silly moments and memories they have together that can never be erased from his mind. He thinks back to the first time Niall got a girlfriend and how it seemed so sketchy that him and Zayn went on a little mission to discover more about the girl. Louis had been mildly annoyed he wasn't involved with the investigation. They were such little dorks.

Harry snorts, laughing. "No, never. Not that I can think of anyway."

"Hmm, you see being friends for so long, he's bound to be wounded by the news that you moved away without a single peep or word. Then, returned and didn't even bother texting him, letting him know or making an attempt to meet him. No wonder you think he hates you."

Harry thinks about this for a second, trying to put himself in Niall's shoes and tries to imagine what it'd be like. All he can think of is betrayal, feeling alone and abandoned by someone who is supposed to be constantly by your side. He hasn't been a good friend, he knows that but he hasn't made a move to change that because he's so convinced that he doesn't need to know people here. What's the point if he's flying out in 5 days, anyways?

Harry groans. "What do I do mum?" He asks.

"Go to his house, take a gift or something and just be with him. He likes you Harry, he's a good lad that wants to be part of your life."

"He reminds me of Louis.." Harry whispers, his voice so close to breaking.

"Oh, my baby," Anne coos, her voice sympathetic as he wraps her arms around Harry's sides and pulling him close. She cradles him for a few moments without a word, just sitting tight and close to him as he rubs a hand down his back. "I know how tough it is, I know you don't want it to end like this but sometimes, we just don't get what we want."

"I want him, only him." Harry carries on.

"You need to forget about him, Harry. He's getting married and he isn't going to be around here anymore."

Harry freezes up for a second, confused. "Wait, what? What do you mean he's not going to be around here anymore?"

Anne raises an eyebrow at him quizzically. "He's moving to New York with Josh, where Josh is originally from?"

Oh. That's news to him. Harry doesn't have any right to be sitting there, burning up and being furious that he's last to know about this news. He had no idea that Louis is moving countries, the same one as Harry in fact, in just a matter of weeks with Josh. He feels a little left out but it doesn't really matter.

But the problem is, it does matter.

Harry jumps up from his place in Anne's side, moving forward to grab his jacket that has been flung there since yesterday when he returned home. "I'm going to Niall's," he simply informs, pulling on boots and leaving the house without a word.

He hears Anne sigh loudly just before he closes the door.

**

Harry is now holding a little gift bag full of different little presents, all for Niall that he picked out, knowing the boy would love. He's not sure if Niall's preferences and likes and dislikes have changed since those years but he wishes the effort is enough. Though he is short on money, quite a lot, he didn't hesitate to spend a few on the boy to show his appreciation. Really, he loves Niall and could never forget what he has done for Harry.

He knocks on the door, both hands full with bags as Niall stumbles through, mumbling songs and throwing the door open. His mouth drops slightly at the sight of Harry standing there on his doorstep as he rubs a hand down his face and mutters. "Is this a dream?"

It probably annoys Harry more than it should but he doesn’t expect anything less. Of course Niall will think of this as a dream.

He gestures to the two bags, holding it up higher so it's in view and smiling. "I'm sorry?" He offers, slowly and emphasising each word. The apology is lame but it’s not the real one, it’s the conversation starter so they can start discussing Niall’s feelings. He deserves that much, he deserves to rant out to Harry how isolated he felt from Harry so he can release all the emotions that have been building up. Harry will zip his mouth and just listen for a change. 

"What's in it for me?" Niall questions, slowly as he rubs his fingers along the bottom of his chin. He looks at the gift bag, gesturing towards it wildly. 

"Well.. I got quite a few things."

"Food?"

"Definitely food." Harry confirms with a grin.

Niall's lips twitch into a grin too as he opens the door fully, letting Harry through. He also knows the way to Niall's heart is food. He walks into the house, sniffing in the smell of chicken being cooked as he shrugs off his boots. He knows this place inside out, always spending his days here and he is glad he is back here. There’s a lot of embarrassing moments they’ve spent here together and that one time him and Louis managed to have sex in Niall’s room. Harry blushes at the thought. 

"I never knew you were a cook," Harry says, amused, trying to divert his attention somewhere else. He wouldn't of imagined Niall cooking in a million years, the lazy git never has enough time to do so. 

Niall just shakes his head. "It's nothing major! Just been following some of Jamie Oliver's recipes and trying to cook for myself in case I need to survive on my own cooking one day. Sounds terrible."

Harry just laughs, shaking his head at how ridiculous Niall is and how he hasn't changed at all judging by the way he speaks. They walk into the living room as Harry puts the bags down and gestures for Niall to sit.

"I'm going to give you the gifts one by one and explain them all," Harry starts to speak, his voice low. He tries to keep his tone light and happy, not wanting to disturb their first encounter since he returned with questions. Knowing Niall, he would never leave Harry alone if he had any idea that he was upset.

Niall looks flattered as he leans back, crossing his legs. "You're getting me excited, Harry."

"So you should be."

Niall chuckles. "Do you think you can buy your way back into our friendship?"

Harry shrugs, shrugging off his jacket to get more comfortable before bringing out the small gift he got. He got a pair of Sony headphones he broke once in the past when they were playing in the garden, tripping over and snapping it into two. He looks at it sheepishly now, feeling a little stupid before cringing. "I'm sorry, this was stupid," he mutters to himself, back to put it away before Niall reaches out and shakes his head slowly.

"Do you have a reason to get me this?" Niall asks softly instead, like raising his voice could damage Harry in someway but his eyes are thoughtful. He clearly appreciates this, it’s clear from the way his facial features have soften and he is gripping Harry’s wrist so gently like it’ll snap in two if he clutches on any harder. “Do you?” He repeats.

Harry shrugs. "Remember that day we were messing around in your garden? You must've annoyed me by beating my test grades and not even revising so I kept jumping on you and unknowingly snapped your headphones. I saw it and reminded me of that day."

Niall stares deeply at Harry at first, looking taken back at the fact that he even remembered before smiling widely and slowly take the headphones off him and smiling widely. He looks pleased with the gift as he looks as it with wide eyes, analysing it.

"It's the same one." He states the obvious, observing the headphones blankly with mild confusion washing over his features.

"Same colour too,” Harry adds.

"Fuck, I thought you forgot or... wow, thank you Harry."

Harry shakes his head, not ready for any of that yet when he still had a whole bag to go through... or a few. He smiles a little, digging deep and pulling out Niall's favourite classic movies including walk to remember, Grease, Titanic, Superman and a few TV a series. Niall's eyes widen.

"Bro," he croaks out, shaking his head. "I can't accept... what? How much money did you spend all together? What are you doing?"

Harry puts all the DVDS down on the table, scratching the back of his head. "I mean, I'm trying to make up for all the missing Christmas and birthdays.."

"You didn't have to."

"I want to," Harry insists and forcefully hands the movies over.

Niall takes it off him gratefully, taking his time to inspect each and single one and commenting a little opinion on each. He talks about how a Titanic reminds him of how Harry used to cry like a baby and how the show House reminds him of Liam and his dreams of working in the medical field.

In the end, Harry keeps giving the gift which ends up being a huge bunch of chocolate, expensive wine (which Harry will cry about the price later tonight), a fancy shirt, some food from their favourite restaurant and dessert from their favourite diner. Niall looks touched all in all, hugging all his presents close to his chest and sighing.

"You really didn't have to, you know. It's okay, whatever happened has happened now."

Harry simply shakes his head because this doesn't excuse his disappearance. He wishes he could explain in words how terrible he truly feels and talk about how lonely he is and how nothing has changed but he just can't put what's going on in his head into words. It's beyond his own understanding let alone others.

They sit for a while and catch up. Harry manages to avoid any questions about himself, rather forcefully making Niall discuss his own goals and future and what he's been doing. Luckily, Niall is chatty and launches into a full conversation how he's beginning to learn the guitar and how he's doing music engineering at school and is actually enjoying it. He talks about all this, and more and Harry listens contentedly. He missed Niall's voice and just him in general, he concludes.

Before they can start chatting again, Niall phone rings and he signals Harry a single finger before picking up the call. "Hey mate, what's up?... Sure, yeah, I can come... Wait, now?.. Yeah, Harry's around." He pauses, looking at Harry who awkwardly shuffles the carpet with his feet. "Sure, if he wants to come. Alright, see you in a bit." And simple as that, he hangs up.

Harry lifts his lowered head. "Who was that?"

"Zayn, inviting us to an early dinner at nandos. Do you want to come?"

Harry shrugs. "I'm not really invited-"

"Oh hush Styles, you know we want you there."

But do you really? Harry thinks but doesn't dare say. Instead, he just shrugs and smiles and nods. After all, he hasn't been to nandos ever since he got here and it might be a nice treat after all. So, they pack all the gifts away and Niall puts on the security alarm (since he is afraid of burglars day and night) and taking Niall's car, they drive there.

Harry has missed Nandos, he can feel his mouth practically watering by the sound of it and he can't wait to dig in. It used to be his favourite restaurant, could never go too long before having to visit down to his local nandos and fulfill his cravings. It was just beautiful, the taste makes his mouth salivate just by the mere thought and it’s enough to get him excited. Sadly, he hasn't got enough money to completely go out and just has to make down with a tenner. Damn Niall and his presents, seriously.

When they pull up outside Nandos, Niall glances to him and smiles. "This one is on me, yeah?"

Instantly, Harry shakes his head. "Nuh uh, no way. You don't owe me anything."

"I know but I don't want you to returning thinking I despise you or something. It'll settle everything."

Harry sighs, rolling his eyes. Obviously, Niall's method of settling things is by buying the other person food at their favourite restaurant. He needs to get in there right now and have a bite of that hot peri peri chicken he's been depriving himself of. So, he just nods at the end and surrenders because free food is better than no food.

Niall cuts the engine off, grinning. "Good boy!" Before they walk into the restaurant together.

Harry feels somewhat relaxed. He won't be third wheeling because he has Niall to engage conversations with and not remind himself of his loneliness. And yet, he can enjoy the company of everyone around him too. It's been so long since they went out as a group like this and it just feels like the old days, like a nice catch up. He smiles to himself as they walk over to their designated table and then his heart drops. 

There sits Louis, right there, with Josh right behind him (way too close. Do they have any idea about personal space and privacy?) and they look so fucking loved up and happy. Josh is pressing his lips on Louis's cheeks repeatedly as Louis tries to not pay attention but can't help that fond smile slip out.

This hurts. Way more than Harry can begin to imagine. He feels his throat clench up, close off as he feels like he's struggling to breathe and his heart feels like it's being shattered to pieces again and again. The worst thing is, there's nothing he can do besides just stare helplessly, like a lost puppy at what should be his place. He wants to place his lips against Louis, make him feel warm and loved and not have to watch from a distance. Fuck. Everything is going wrong for Harry, he never wanted this, he never signed up for eternal heartbreak.

He wouldn't come here if it was going to be like this.

Josh and Louis snap out of their little love bubble, noticing Niall - who is now slipping in besides them two - and Harry who is just zoned out.

"Earth to Harry!" Zayn says, waving his hands in front of Harry.

He finally snaps, startled and comes back to life where he realises this is still a nightmare. He represses a sigh. Just 5 more days. "Hey guys," he says, his energy isn't reflecting well in his voice and he doesn't want anyone to pick up on it and ask questions, as he slides in with Zayn and Liam.

Thankfully Niall knows the right place to sit.

"We've already ordered, if you don't mind?" Liam speaks up from the corner he's sitting at, his smile warm and wide and he looks genuinely relaxed and happy. "We got two platters since we all know we're greedy pigs."

It's the first time they are all sitting together, as one, as a group, but Josh is the only outsider.

Then Harry realises with a heavy heart, it's probably him that's the outsider now. Josh is the one they're all familiar with, the one who got close to them all and won their heart over to win Louis too. Harry is the one who ran, abandoning this miserable town and all the sadness that follows.

He suddenly feels more heavier than before, it's hard to breathe and he can't help but feel like he needs to calm down before he works himself into a frenzy. He grabs a glass of water that's already sitting there, gulping it down without asking and taking a deep breath.

Niall narrows his eyes. "You alright there mate?"

Harry just nods. "I'm- I'm fine."

They don't look convinced but don't question it either, start talking instead. They seem to talk about everything but the wedding and that makes Harry less anxious, thankfully. They discuss what they're going to do afterwards, what the future holds for them, when Zayn and Liam are going to get married (which only makes them blush deeply as Zayn buries his head in Liam's chest and sighs like there's no other place he'd rather be). Harry decides it's not fair that they have found love and he hasn't but they're cute all the same.

During all this, Josh makes no attempt to talk to Harry or even introduce himself since they never got a chance to talk at the gathering. Instead, he merely avoids Harry all together and only when their eyes meet for a few seconds, awkwardly, he glares and gives an intimidating expression that leaves Harry shuddering.

Finally, the food arrives which they split up into equal portions for everyone. Harry ends up with chicken, chips and some spicy rice alongside coleslaw and he isn't complaining. It seems all good and he has missed this type of food. He digs straight in, not caring how he looks and not wanting to dwell on that right now, just savouring every bite, every flavour, the texture of the food and nearly moaning out at how delicious it is.

Niall is watching him with wide eyes. "Harry, you seem happier than me to have Nandos and that usually never happens."

Harry shrugs, looking up from his food with hungry eyes. "I haven't had it in 3 years, give me a break."

He really wishes he was able to say that freely but as soon as that slips out, the atmosphere automatically tenses like it's some unwritten rule to never mention his absence. Harry tries not to roll his eyes or make a comment, returning to his food rather awkwardly now and not feeling as passionate as a few seconds ago.

After a while of mostly silent eating, Josh looks up from his empty plate and smiles at Harry wickedly. It's a smile that makes Harry shiver from top to bottom, trying to avoid eye contact by staring at his own plate.

"So," Josh says, fiddling with his hand where his ring sits. "Harry, is it?"

Harry notices how Zayn nudges Liam with curious and worried eyes and Liam just shakes his head. 

"Erm, yeah," Harry says. He could say something rude, something sarcastic like haven't you fucking figured that out yet, twat? But he keeps those thoughts to himself and puts on a smile, to be the mature one. 

Josh nods once, now rolling the ring around his finger like he's purposely trying to draw attention to it. "I haven't seen you around."

Harry's throat feels thick. "I'm not new," he informs.

"I hope not. I wouldn't want some stranger coming to my wedding, huh?"

"I'm not a stranger," Harry's voice is low now because who exactly is he, then? Are they inviting him to these restaurant dates because they pity him and his sorry life where he is completely and utterly alone? He should've known better than turning up here.

Josh looks highly amused by this, like he's receiving some sick sadistic pleasure from seeing Harry squirm in discomfort. He places his hands on Louis's thighs and though Harry couldn't see across the table, he knew exactly where the hand placement is.

"I wonder why you've not been here then."

"I don't live here," Harry simply replies. He doesn't have the time to do this, to try and have a conversation that's clearly going nowhere except with the motive of winding Harry up. He has better things to do like... crying over the fact that he feels alone.

"Why not?"

Zayn coughs, interrupting. "That's a bit personal, Josh," he says but there's an evident of warning in his tone of voice.

Josh looks the least bit threatened, just giving a shake of his hands to Zayn to dismiss him. "Don't you like London? Any specific reason you left?"

So, it's clear that he is aware that Harry and Louis had a thing between them because otherwise, what's the reason of being such a dick? Harry hates people like this, can't even stand them and how snobby they can be. He takes a gulp of his water.

"I don't think it's anyones business why I left," Harry finally says when he realises he's left the silence growing for too long and it was going to become increasingly awkward if he doesn't find the guts to speak up now. He's strong, he can do this. He can sit here, pretend to be okay and then go home and pretend to be fine. "London isn't for me, I have a bond with the city I live in and I wouldn't prefer to be anywhere else."

Josh just grins like this is all he ever wanted to hear, settling back in his chair looking more at ease and comfort now. He picks up his half empty glass of coca cola, raising it. "Great."

Harry sits there for a few more seconds, just awkwardly finishing off his last few bites but feels his stomach turn and chern. He feels sick, most of all because not one part of his can stand Josh and he hates him. Hates his guts. He needs to throw up, he feels his anxiety levels creeping up as he puts the tissue down and jumps up from his seat.

Zayn is the one to instantly notice, speaking up. "W-what are you doing, H?"

"I don't feel too well, I need the toilet," and with that, he runs off like a loser, wiping at his wet eyes but glad no tears had split just yet. 

Harry isn't sure how long he's been standing in the toilet, looking at his own pathetic reflection and trying to find anything besides sorrow in them. He didn't know it would cause him such grief, such agony to be back in town and he would've avoided altogether. He thought he was strong enough to admit he no longer had Louis but he wasn't brave enough to sit there, watch them two hold hand, give lingering touches and kisses.

It was overly disgusting and Harry felt like he needed to throw up.

He splashes cold water on his face, patting it down his sweaty features before releasing a deep sigh and leaning against the window. He counts down from 10 once, then twice and then three times before he can finally handle his breathing effectively.

He needs to get out.

It may seem a little cowardly, this isn't even the most extreme case scenario but it's way too overwhelming for Harry to deal with. There's only so much you can witness before you decide you have had enough.

Stumbling with his pocket, he brings out of his phone and smiles sadly at the wallpaper. It was Harry's 20th birthday, they had hosted a surprise party for him and invited strippers as a joke. Of course, he had felt majorly uncomfortable and basically just wanted to disappear and hide himself from the strippers. He was disgusted. But yet, the night was good and ran smoothly and effectively. He misses his 20th birthday.

Before he can even begin to dial, the door flings open and in walks Louis. He looks like he's slightly worried, he furrows his brows, features scrunched up together and he looks tense. He rubs his hands down his jeans like he's trying to wipe away residue from the food and he glances around the toilets before deciding to finally settles his eyes directly on Harry. Well, he wasn't expecting this.

"What are you doing?" Harry asks, growling almost. He's definitely not in the mood right now to be faced with anyone else. He wants to go home. "Move," he says harshly, about to move Louis out of the way.

As much as Louis is tough and hard edged, he looks delicate and light as a feature right now. "Please, listen."

"What is there to listen?" Harry sounds t, sighing loudly. "There's nothing here, nothing for us to discuss. I want to leave, I'm tired and I don't feel too good. Now, if you'll excuse me-" 

"Hear me out." Louis pleads.

"Hear what out!" Harry yells now, loosing all control and his voice is now on the edge of insanity. He can't be bothered, it's not his day today. Plus, being around Louis is potentially damaging and he wants to hide away.

Louis, however, doesn't seem the slightest bit fazed as he steps forward and lightly brushes his hand against his arm. Harry freezes under his touch, wanting to pull away but wanting to be touched all the same. Louis's touch burns him but frees him all the same, it feels great and yet so suffocating. He locks his eyes on Louis's hand, just looking at it.

"Are you okay?" Louis asks instead, completely surprising him.

"What do you mean?" Harry grits out.

"I don't know. Josh can be a little intimidating at times, he isn't a bad person, really."

Harry laughs, throwing his head and rolling his eyes like he can't believe they're talking about it. Why does every topic of discussion have to be about Josh? He doesn't care, he doesn't want to even talk about it and he definitely doesn't want to be around the boy. Why does Josh even feel threatened? It's not like Harry plans to swoop in, take Louis away since they both seem to be quite happy together.

"I don't care, he doesn't affect me."

Of course, no matter how convincing Harry may try to sound, Louis doesn't believe him and just holds on to his arm tighter like he's afraid of letting go. Like he needs the hold just as badly and gazes lovingly into Harry's eyes. His eyes are the brightest of blues right now, almost content but there is a different sense of sadness shining through too. All in all, Louis looks beautiful as always.

"Please.." Louis whispers out, whining.

Harry raises an eyebrow. "Please, what?"

"Touch me, please."

Harry's eyes widen at the sudden request and doing the complete opposite, stumbling back in surprise. He thought yesterday would end all unresolved desires and they wouldn't feel the need to do anything again. He hadn't managed to get out all his frustrations but grinding was enough and now, here is Louis again, begging. 

Harry shakes his head, he can't follow through with that request. As much as he wants to, as much as his body is aching for a touch, for anything - he knows the right from the wrong and he knows this way out of the wrong spectrum. It's not healthy for either of them.

"Stop," Harry orders but his voice is nothing close to demanding. Instead, it's weak and close to breaking. Louis makes him so weak, manages to get to all his weak spots and break down on it and Harry just needs to leave before this turns into something he doesn't want.

Louis, on the other hand, doesn't seem to listen and instead takes a step closer so they're practically touching. It's like Harry's in a spell, a trance by Louis and he can't move, he's frozen to his spot and can't look anywhere but straight at Louis in the eye. Look at all the sorrow, all the pain and he can't figure out why it is there. He has the better end of the stick. He has a man waiting outside for him, loyal and rich and he has a wedding in a matter of days. Yet, he looks so mentally drained it's almost hurtful to watch.

"Please." Louis repeats.

"What?"

There is silence between them, chilling and growing and Louis looks hopeless and lost as he gazes into Harry's eyes more longingly. 

"If you have something to say, say it now," Harry gulps, tries to bite down the feeling of the words in his mouth. "I'm not going to see you until the wedding and then I'm going to fly straight back home."

Louis's eyes widen with fear. "The rehearsal dinner?"

Harry doesn't want to go because it will be difficult, just like it is now. It's clear from just seeing them that Harry is definitely not over what has gone down between them even after that long break and he just wants to stay away. The rehearsal dinner won't help, not in the slightest bit and what's really the point? He could stay home, just put on a movie or two before he has to return back to his home waiting 9 hours away.

"I don't think I'm coming," Harry gulps, finally looking away, anywhere but Louis. He focuses his burning gaze on the toilet walls and tiles, noticing how disgustingly dirty they are and why the hell was he even here in the first place?

Louis looks betrayed and hurt. "What? Why?"

"I think it's better this way."

"Please, don't be stupid," he scoffs, rolling his eyes like this is the most luducrious thing they have talked about and he won't stand for it. He tries to edge closer, attempting to break off any of the space they have between them until their arms are touching, skin on skin.

Harry hisses like it's physically scarring him, closing his eyes and just for a moment, relishing the moment. Until it feels okay. Until he's convinced he can go home and not cry about it and just be okay. 

Because it'll be fine.

This is how it's supposed to be. Louis stays here, gets married, have children and be happy and Harry returns to a town that he will never find true happiness.

"Will I not see you again?" Louis whimpers as Harry backs away, taking a step back and letting air between them again. Harry turns to the mirror, fixing his hair once and washing his hands like he's trying to wipe off Louis's touch. "Harry, will I?" He tries to catch the younger boys attention.

Harry sighs. "I think it's better this way. I'll be at the wedding, of course but I'd prefer it if we didn't talk. Have a good life, Louis." He nods once, taking in Louis's appearance before the big day. How he looks so casual in the clothes he wears but can literally pull anything off. How sinful his thighs look in those jeans, almost like leggings and how he radiates confidence.

Louis's lips wobble. "You too, Harry. I hope... I hope, I wish you the best."

Harry just nods again, unsure what else to do and gulps a few times to resist any tears that are threatening to surface. He doesn't cry, Harry doesn't cry. He is strong and he can make it through this just like he has any other time. In fact, it'll be easier now because he has had some sort of closure, he's not running off once again and they've actually said goodbye. Maybe, he'll finally find the heart to move on.

Without a second glance towards the table where all the boys are sitting at, he leaves the restaurant without another word.

**

When he got home, he didn't want to talk and he didn't want to interact with anyone. And as much as he hated that he wasn't spending enough time with his family while he had the opportunity, he couldn't get himself to make a change about it. Instead, he crawled straight into his bed that hasn't been changed since 3 years and he cuddled up with his knees up to his chest. This bed brings back so many memories but it was soothing as Harry put music on, let himself be drifted away by anything but reality right now. At some point, he ended up falling asleep and though it wasn't the most comfortable sleep, it wasn't the worst either.

A part of Harry was at peace that he had managed to talk to Louis after pining and wanting for so long to realise, this was better for both of them. That maybe this trip was brilliant in the sense he realised he will never get Louis and it truly is time to start living for himself now.

Harry skips downstairs with a huge smile and though a part of it felt forced, it didn't matter because today is the start of his new life. He walks into the kitchen, his dimples on display as he leans over and places a soft kiss on Anne's cheek who giggles from the counter.

"My beautiful boy, why are you so happy?" She asks and it sounds like a light question but there's nothing more than curiousity etched all over her face. It makes Harry incredibly sad thinking about all the times Anne has stayed up, thinking and wondering how her son is doing and cried when she misses too much. 

He owes his mother so much.

He sighs, twirling a strand of his curls around his finger and tugging at it absentmindly. "I'm not sure but... it's going to be great, you know?"

Obviously, Anne has no idea what he's talking about but she doesn't take heed and instead, simply nods. She hands him over a plate of waffle for breakfast topped off with strawberries and bananas and a drizzle of honey. Her presentation for break is always the best and Harry feels grateful as he happily takes the place off her and kisses her on the cheek again.

"Thank you mother!" Harry says, joining Gemma at the breakfast table eagerly and starts digging in straight away.

Gemma looks up from her mobile phone, flashing a smile at Harry and spooning her porridge into her mouth. "What's the plans for today?"

"Nothing, abousletely nothing. I'm going to stay right here."

"Really?" She rolls her eyes, sighing. "I had plans today and now, you don't have any. Great, I'll just cancel."

And as much as Harry wants that time, wants to be around Gemma more than anything - he knows he shouldn't stop her. After all, she deserves the time out with her boyfriend more than anything as she's staying at Anne's for now just for Harry and it means more than anything. They can hang out any other day before he leaves, he's completely free now.

"No, no!" Harry interjects, shaking his head. "You go, I'll be right here and we'll spend time later, yeah?"

Gemma doesn't look convinced though, frowning. "It's not fair on you."

"I don't think you should use that word when it comes to me because I've never done anything fair in my life," he laughs a little awkwardly, scratching the back of his head and repressing a sigh. "Just go, have fun. I want to meet your man before I leave!"

Gemma giggles. "We shall do a day out, us three," she agrees.

After having their breakfast, which Harry felt really satisifed by and he hadn't felt this good in ages, Gemma head off in her own plans, promising tomorrow will be better. Harry can just begin to imagine all the lonely days inside since he doesn't have the heart to go out, doesn't want to be seen or discovered by anyone. He feels terrible for leaving so abrupt but doesn't have enough courage to apologise so he turns his phone off, better not to recieve any texts at all. He can feel himself withdrawing like he did just before he left for LA, going back inside his shell and just refusing to go out.

Anne walks into the living room, all wrapped up warm in her beanie and her gloves as she rubs her hands together and smiles warmly. "Harry.." she calls for his attention.

He snaps out of his thoughts at once, jumping, a little startled and then smiling at his mother. "Yes? You look nice and warm."

"I think I am," she laughs. "I'm going to head out to meet someone, H."

"Someone?" Harry raises an eyebrow.

She flushes a little, pulling her bag on her shoulders and looking around the room like a little teenager girl caught with something before sighing. "I met someone, I guess?"

"What?" Harry cuts in because this was news he hasn't heard and was missing and needs to hear. This can take a potential toll on his life, this could mean something and he couldn't believe he's been in the dark about this. "What? Who?"

Anne laughs again, looking relaxed now as she moves forward and pats Harry on the shoulder. "We'll talk all about it when I return, yeah? I'm running late!"

He huffs. "You can't leave me like this!"

"I'll be home by the evening!" She yells at before she leaves the house, shutting the door behind her and through the window, Harry sees her gracefully starting the car and pulling out of the garage.

Well, he wasn't expecting a day alone. Normally, someone is always at home whether that's Gemma or Anne and he wasn't prepared to spend some time on his own. It's not exactly his favourite thing. He would've really enjoyed company together to keep his mind off things but nothing seems to work in Harry's favour. He picks up his phone, debating whether to switch it back on and invite Niall over since their meeting was cut short but puts it back down. He can do this, he can survive on his own for one day. It's already the afternoon as it is. He should probably prepare some dinner to thank the two girls in his life and do some work around the house, to show some appreciation for once.

Scrolling through his laptop, he tries to find a recipe he can manage to cook. Since he moved, he hasn't really prepared any food for himself and became increasingly lazy, relying on take outs and if he's lucky, Nick's food which can be quite healthy some days. He hasn't really gotten in the kitchen himself for a while and has forgotten how it all works.

So, he chooses something as simple as rice and chicken and notes the recipe down on paper like old school.

He starts to get to work straight away, unsure how long it'll take him and scared he won't be done by the time Anne and Gemma get home. He pulls out all the appropriate pots and pans, the cutting board and all the vegetables whilst he brings the rice to a boil with water. He's a little clusmy but finally, he gets everything sorted and ready.

Chopping vegetables has always been Harry's least favourite bit about cooking and even now, he rolls his eyes as he starts cutting the tomatos, the bell peppers, the onions into pieces and tries to not think about the tears building in his eyes.

Just then, the doorbell rings and he freezes. He's not sure who would come to meet him and who would even bother because really, does anyone really like Harry? He feels like he's intruding for the most part and it feels awful. But in the end, he decides he can't really just leave the door unanswered and giving the rice a hard look, walks off to the front door. He debates to look through the key hole but then just shrugs and opens it.

To only regret not looking through the key hole.

Right before him stands Louis looking rather shaken up, his eyes red rimmed and distant and his cuddled up in the most casual clothes: sweatshirt and jogging bottom. He looks weary and tired, can hardly keep his eyes open as he blinks a few times, like he can't even believe he's here in the beginning.

"Can I come in?" Louis asks, his voice raspy and it sounds like he's got a cold coming on.

Harry really deliberates this for a few seconds, really thinks about whether this is a smart idea and whether he should close the door on his face. But he looks at Louis and sees everything he loves, everything he likes and can never imagine shutting him out. Not when he's in a state like this. So, he opens the door slowly and lets him in.

Louis walks straight through to the living room without a word, leaving Harry confused and lost, shutting the door behind him and following in. He makes himself small on the couch, his legs up to his knees as he places his face on it. 

Harry frowns. "Uh, what's wrong?" He asks awkwardly, not sure what else he can say in a situation like this. 

He shrugs, however, not seeming to want to answer that at all. "I'm fine."

"You don't look fine."

"I've been thinking."

That shuts Harry straight up as he gulps. He doesn't want to hear anything right now, he doesn't want to hear another long story about Josh and whether they had an argument or whatever that has caused Louis to turn up like this. But, there's hardly anything he can say now so he nods.

"About?"

"Josh."

There it is.

Harry tries his hardest not to let his face deflate. After all, the poor lad is bound to discuss about his fiance he's about to marry and if there's something bothering him, he needs to voice his opinion and let himself be heard. He keeps a straight face, forcing an almost smile and looking straight ahead at the wall and not at Louis at all. Harry's usually great at maintaining and keeping eye contact, looking deep into someone but right now, it just makes him squirm and he isn't feeling like tripping over his words and show himself as a weakness.

Louis sighs. "He's just always busy."

"Like the day at the florists?"

He nods, confirming. "Like the day at the florists."

"Do you have any idea.. why he's always so busy?"

Louis nods again, looking up and squeezing his eyes shut as he speaks under his breath, like he's scared to be heard. "Well, he does work at a huge business so I'm not surprised he's always late or he can't make it to our dates or he has to leave early. Like, I understand. He's made his first million and he's moving up the ladder so fast."

"Then, what's the problem?" Harry asks.

"I wanted him to be by me more."

"Wanted?"

Louis just looks Harry in the eye now, nodding and not breaking eye contact as much as Harry wants to. He feels like he's under the boys hold and he can't look anywhere but straight, straight at him where he can't see anything but misery under those eyes. He looks defeated, tired and like he's completely fed up and it hurts Harry to see him like this.

"I want someone else now." Louis whispers out instead, running a hand through his messy, undone hair.

Harry freezes because if that's about him, he should've reconsidered his decision and closed the door on him after all. He wasn't expecting this type of conversation and suddenly it all comes rushing back. All the soft kisses, the lingering touches, the 'I love you's' and the slow love making at the tender age of 17. Everything they did, all the dates they went on ranging from the small cafe's to the ice skating day where Harry hurt his arm and Louis couldn't stop laughing. Until he realised Harry was actually really hurt and then couldn't leave his side.

Harry had kept it locked away for so long that he hadn't expected him to come out at all, a part of him hoping he'd forgotten it. But how could he when it was such a prominent part of him? The best part of him? The best memories he will always treasure and maybe, he hasn't looked back on them recently, he knows he will in the future because no one will ever come close to how Louis has made him feel and still does just by exisiting.

"What do you mean?" Harry finally finds the words to come to his mouth, after a long pause, his throat dry and afraid of the answer and he wants to run and hide.

Louis, however, doesn't seem the slightest bit scared in the moment he ushers out. "I still want you, Harry."

And everything feels changed in that moment.

It can't be happening because it's not supposed to, this wasn't how the plan was supposed to go. First, the plan was Louis and Harry getting married and being together and having kids. But, tables have turned and now it's supposed to be Harry forever alone and nothing else. 

Those are the words Harry was aching to hear. All this time, he has been pining after Louis for something that could never be reached and never be his and yet, he had stayed away from relationships. It wasn't really hope he was hanging onto because Harry gave up on that a long time ago, realising he's here, miles away from Louis and it won't ever matter anymore. But, it was just a feeling of something unresolved that wouldn't allow him to sleep at night, knowing he left things the way he did.

Now, Louis wants him and Harry wants him but they can't have each other. It's like the universe is playing a sick, cruel game on them where nobody gets the chance to be truly happy and they get stuck in a rut of endless tears and unhappiness and no luck in either persons life.

Louis gulps when he realises Harry hasn't said a word, just still like a statue on the sofa leg, staring down at the carpet. He moves forwards, daring and moves Harry's hands.

Harry comes straight back to life.

"I-I.. I, I'm confused?" Harry offers, the only thing he can manage to say and nothing else because he's still comprehending it.

"It's crystal clear, what I've said."

"I refuse to believe it," Harry shakes his head. "I can't."

"What's so hard to believe?"

"Because 3 years ago, you chose Josh and you chose the easier route and now, you're allowed to sit here and tell me you want me now." Harry spits out, frustration bubbling up now and starting to get on his nerves now. Resentment from that day begins building up now, realising the day he had the ultimate choice to Louis and he walked off, to go home to Josh. Whilst Harry was left standing outside the bus stop, lost and confused and his cheeks stained with tears.

He remembers the agony he felt that day, how it intenstifed with every passing moment and how it felt difficult to even draw a breath. He remembers how he dragged himself home that day, the water falling from his eyes non stop and people had to stop and ask if he's okay. He remembers how he tried calling Louis, to convince him to change his mind and left broken voicemails with nothing more than choked sobs and incoherent babbling. He remembers it all, remembers how he thought he wouldn't survive and how he wished the car would just run him over because it wouldn't compare to the heart wrenching feeling he had right now.

Louis looks torn, upset, frustrated. "I was wrong."

"No!" Harry corrects, jumping up from the sofa when he realises he's sitting way too close to Louis and he wants him to get out, to go home, to go away. "No, you were right Louis because you stuck by your stupid decision and now you're marrying him this fucking weekend. You don't get the right to come here, to fuck my life up."

Louis tears up now, moisture gathering in his eyes that he wipes away with his sweater paws. He looks so small, so vunerable and Harry almost feels sorry. Almost. But it isn't fair for him and he refuses to stand for it.

"I was mad at you for leaving," Louis's lips wobbles.

"You're not. I gave you two whole weeks to change but when I saw you outside with Josh, all kissing him and you knew I was there - it was enough."

"You were gone the next morning," Lous finishes off the story, whispering, gaze transfixed on the ground. "Anne called me, crying."

This is news for Harry. "She did?"

He nods, wiping at his eyes. "Yeah, she was wrecked and confused, she thought she did something wrong. You didn't really explain, you just left."

Harry can't explain the immense feeling of guilt that overtakes him, wondering how his mother felt and how she blamed herself for everything and hwo hard she would be crying. He made her feel like that, hopeless, thinking it's all her fault when it wasn't even remotely close to the reason. The reason is the devil sitting before him with the blue eyes, more on the green side today, and his beautiful smile and sinful body.

"What did you say?" Harry says.

"I told her it was me, that you were in love with me and I... I wasn't."

Harry hisses, shutting his eyes. "You wasn't?"

"I thought I wasn't but when I closed my eyes at night, with Josh by my side, you're all I saw and all I dreamt about and I realised maybe I wasn't over you after all."

"Why did you let me go?"

Louis shakes his head. "Why did you move away?"

"You know exactly why! You fucking idiot!" Harry yells, exhaling sharply, feeling the need to punch the walls or break something, another coping technique he has adapted to. "Please, this isn't worth your time, you should leave."

Louis gets up from where he's sitting, strolling forward and it's like a repeat of the restaurant but this time, he forcefully presses his lips down on Harry. For a second, Harry is in complete shock as his eyes widen and he goes completely still. All the anger evaporates, all the tension and the stress washes away and he slowly, but surely, relaxes into the kiss. Louis's hands are cupping Harry's face, holding him fiercely close like he's afraid the younger boy will drop to ashes. Harry wraps his arm around Louis's waist, needing to feel him and kissing back with just as much desperation.

All the feelings and mix of emotions he's been feeling for the longest time and how long he's wanted Louis, he pours all that emotion into that kiss and grabs Louis on tighter. He kisses back with just as much force, hard, wanting to feel something, anything. He can feel himself panting as they start kissing more lazily now, tongues and teeth and just needing to feel it. Louis's lips feel smooth and more sinful that Harry can ever remember. Their tongues meet, sending a shock of adrenaline through Harry's body as he shudders and Louis licks deeper, needing to feel closer, needing to feel him.

Harry pushes his tongue in too, running the tip around Louis's teeth and moaning as he moves his hands down, cupping Louis's perfect, plump ass. That seems to turn Louis on more as he kisses even harder. He moves his hands down to Harry's neck, not applying much pressure but just letting it settle there as they kiss contently for a while.

Harry's not sure how long they kiss but they do and it feels bloody great. He doesn't remember the last time he desperately needed someone like this, needed to kiss and release everything and feel so close to Louis. They kiss like they're trying to make up for the past 3 years.

Harry snaps back to reality, however, and pulls away - feeling the loss of Louis's lips straight away. "What are you doing?" He mutters.

Louis raises an eyebrow, looking a little aroused. "Don't you dare, you kissed back."

"I did," Harry nods to himself, a little shocked and confused at the turn of events.

He really wasn't expecting this to happen and now that it has, it's all a little overwhelming for him as he staggers back and slowly places himself down on the sofa. How can he be so stupid? How can cause issues for a couple who are literally a few days away from getting married? He can't get over his own lonely self to start feeling some happiness for another happy couple.

Harry holds his hand in his head, cursing himself mentally and needing to get Louis out of the house before things become really bad. "Louis, you should go," he chokes out, his voice raw and full of pain as he attempts to clear it but failing.

Louis doesn't look like he has any plans of leaving though, he just sits down besides Harry and rubs his back soothingly. "I don't want to," he says weakly.

"It's better this way."

"I've just got you back after so long," he continues talking really slowly like he's afraid of his words doing more damage as he lightly places his head on Harry's shoulders. "So long. Please."

Harry sniffes, not daring to let the tears fall. It's something he's taught himself and he's tried so hard not to express because he feels like it's a moment of weakness and he is far from weak. He is strong, he moved away on his own and managed to stay here without a moment of family time or anyone from his old life. He is far from weak.

Yet, here he is, feeling nothing more than beaten down because he can do virtually anything but get over the lad sitting besides him. "Why do I love you so?" Harry asks.

"First love is never forgotten."

Harry nods, agreeing and rests his head on top of Louis and they stay like this for a while. They don't speak or move, not even a muscle or an inch. They feel comfortable, embracing each other's warmth and each other's weaknesses. Harry closes his eyes and realises how easy it would be for him to just fall asleep right here, touching Louis and his feather soft hair poking his cheek but he doesn't even care. This is everything he wants, to be close to the love of his life and have all the bad through all the good. Yet, it's everything he can't have.

It feels like the universe is playing a sick joke on him where he's not allowed to experience some joy for himself, he can't bring himself to smile and even mean it. He has no idea what he has ever done to harm the world but he wants to know now, wants to know why he has only ever asked for one thing and never recieved it.

This lovely, fragile boy in his arms.

Harry sighs contently, not wanting this moment to even disappear or fade away. He wants to take a mental photo of this, to keep this forever in his memory from years down the line when he's still alone in that LA house of his without a sign of his own love. He doesn't know when the next time will come when he's allowed to do this with Louis and the fact that it might even be the last makes his heart drop, wrench, hurt and the ping in his chest is as loud as ever.

"I don't want you to go," Louis whispers out, spoiling their perfect silence.

"You have to do what is right." Harry says, though his voice is raspy and it's difficult to get the words out but he can't ever promote himself and encourage Louis to pick him. He can't be a homewrecker, he can't ruin things. He has to let Louis do what's right for him and let him get on with his life.

This moment feels tainted but he doesn't ever want to let go.

It's a painful goodbye, one they never got.

"Don't go back to Los Angeles," Louis continues, ignoring Harry and burying his head further into Harry's shoulder, tears falling down his face and soaking Harry's shirt.

Harry has an urge to pull Louis up, kiss him softly and wipe away the salty tears and tell him not to cry but he doesn't have the heart to. He doesn't want to do something wrong right now, he doesn't know what to do if he's being completely honest. So, he just lets Louis cry and he closes his own eye and gulps back the thickness of his throat to stop the tears from coming out.

He can hold it back, he can.

Harry doesn't cry.

"I have to," Harry finally gathers the courage to answer him though his voice betrays him and it comes out shaky and feeble. "That's my home, this isn't home anymore."

"You were born here, we grew up here, you went school here and you got your first job here too. Just because you celebrated your 18 there, doesn't make it anymore home than it is here." Louis tries explaining, tries to reason but Harry just shakes his head.

"Don't talk," he manages to get out instead.

Louis shuts up right away, closing his mouth and snuggling back into Harry's shoulder, snaking his arm around Harry's waist. It feels right so neither of them try pulling away and just cuddle into each other.

Harry notices the blanket on the ground from when Anne and him had been cuddling up during a movie and picks it up, careful not to disturb their little embrace, and spreads it out between them. It feels much warmer, comfortable and they just hug each other harder.

Harry realises this is home, right here in Louis's arms.

Harry isn't sure how long they stay like that and loses track of time after a while. He doesn't bother to pull away no matter how numb his sides get and how he becomes somewhat urgent for a toilet break. He realises he's too afraid of letting go, too afraid that this is the last time he'll be able to hold the love of his life right in his own arms before he lets him go, lets him go to Josh. So, whenever he feels the need for toilet coming on, he holds on tighter.

"I want to watch a movie," Louis whispers out, his voice laced with sleepiness and Harry knows he's about to knock out anytime.

So, he slowly lifts Louis's face and stares into his blank blue eyes. He has tear trails all down his cheeks from crying for God knows how long and his eyes are droopy, closing. Harry sighs, kissing his forehead before getting up and quickly taking the toilet break he needs. Then, he resumes to come back into the room and putting on Walk To Remember.

"Our movie," Louis mumbles as he snuggles back into Harry but this time, he bravely puts his head on Harry's chest but he doesn't mind. It's all welcomed.

"Our movie," Harry confirms sadly.

"We used to watch this all the time, you remember?" He carries on, his voice low and broken but he speaks because he has nothing else to do. He doesn't raise his head and look at Harry, it keeps it buried away. "On my birthday, on yours, we never got tired of it."

"Of course we didn't. It's ours, don't you know?"

Louis sniffs at that and Harry fears he's started to cry again and he can't bare that. He can't take Louis's watery eyes and his tears and he just wants him to be happy. He's going to be happy, he is. He has a lovely fiance who is rich and is able to supply Louis with whatever he wants. He can take on Louis on trips, road trips, camps - anything he wants.

Harry can't give him anything.

"Ours." Louis agrees and doesn't speak again for the rest of the movie.

They lose the track of time after the movie, switching to regular TV instead and browsing through different channels whenever another show finishes. They don't speak for the most part, dwelling in comfortable silence and absorbing all the information they were recieveing from TV. It should've been boring, it should've been a complete waste of time. Harry forgot about his attempt at cooking for his family, only going to turn the saucepan off when he realises he probably left the rice boiling for quite a long time. He leaves the burnt rice and the mess exactly where it is, not having the energy or heart to clean up and goes back to where his heart belongs right now.

Louis acts vulnerable, like he needs Harry more than ever and is needy. He wants food, he wants water but he doesn't want Harry to get up, wants to be held by Harry for as long as he can. He doesn't speak many words but everything Louis wants is said through his body language.

"Are you okay?" Harry asks after a moment, wondering if the boy is comfortable, if he needs to get going home since it's starting to get dark outside quite quickly.

Louis just shakes his head. "Need you."

Harry sighs, not bothering to respond to that and just stroking his fingers through Louis's hair. It's knotted and stuck together and it's slightly greasy now but Harry doesn't care, it still looks perfect as ever and it feels quite refreshing to just pet his hair. It's usually the other way around, Louis is fond of Harry's curls and demands he never tries to change it to anything else.

Harry hasn't. His curls are still there, his hair is long - up to his shoulders, and it looks completely and utterly perfect. Well, people say that anyway.

Then the door clicks and unlocked and Harry realises it's his mother, returning from her date with the mystery man and really isn't expecting anything. He panics slightly, noticing Louis whose eyes are slowly closing now, letting sleep taking over after forcing himself to stay up to feel Harry for longer. He feels terrible, he can't push the boy away and he is too late to react because Anne walks straight into the living room, all smiles that fade away when she realises what's going on.

She frowns straight away, putting her bag on the floor sternly. "Harry?" She hisses.

"I can explain," he whipsers back.

"Kitchen, now!" She demands, gesturing towards the room next doors and stomps out. It's enough to wake Louis up who yawns, moving back and raising an eyebrow at Harry.

"What's going on?" He asks.

Harry sighs. "My mum just got home."

He freezes up. "She hates me, doesn't she? She's never liked me ever since you left and that phonecall, she blames me. Oh my god."

Harry rolls his eyes, placing a single finger on Louis's lips and shutting him up once again and looking into his eyes. "She doesn't think anything of sort, shut up. Let me go see what she wants. Take the blanket, make yourself at home."

Louis nods, an immense guilt in his eyes as he grabs Harry's wrists. "Thank you, really, thank you. I... I, I appreciate it. So much."

Harry sighs, nodding. "It's okay." And with that, he walks out of the room and into the kitchen. He closes the door behind him, making sure none of this conversation reaches Louis's ears as he carefully sits down on the dining table's chair.

"What's wrong?" He asks, folding his hands at his chin and resting on them as he watches Anne pace around the kitchen, trying to clean up the mess he's left behind. All the vegetables not chopped, all the ingredients left out. 

Anne is cursing under her breath, throwing it all straight to the bin before twirling around and placing a hand on her hips and staring visciously. "What do you think you're doing?"

"I.. I forgot to cook, I'm sorry?" Harry offers, confused as to what is going on and why his mother is staring him down like he's just murdered someone. He hasn't done anything wrong, not as far as he can remember and the way his mother is looking at him is making him increasingly nervous.

"No, not that!" She yells, her voice raising a few octaves higher as she throws one vegetable on the floor in protest. "I mean, you and him, on the sofa!"

What? Harry feels like his head in spinning because he doesn't remember the last time his mum complained about another guy. Was she homophobic now? He doesn't know his mother that well after all, he has no idea what to make of the conversation. What is going on?

His guards are up as he crosses his arms. "What do you mean, me and him on the sofa? We weren't making out or anything. You're making it sound like a crime. Would it be the same if it was a girl, huh?"

Anne's facial expression soften immediately, looking stunned as she places all the items in her hand on the counter and falls silent for a while. She moves forward, closer to Harry and whispers out. "I'm not... it's not that. You know I've always accepted you, H, how can you even think?"

"That's what you made it sound like." Harry says, not ready to unfold his arm and his voice still hostile.

"No, I meant... it's Louis. Harry," her voice is thick as she reaches over and puts her hands over Harry's. "Harry, he's getting married and you... you can't, you have to let him go."

Harry pauses, letting the words to sink in and at a loss of words because how can he even begin to answer that? He knows all of this, he knows he's exceeded his limit and all this bubble of temporary happiness of having Louis in his arms is going to go back to being nothing when he returns back to his house 9 hours away. Yet, he's hanging on a string of hope.

"I can't," he finally admits.

It's a single confession, two words but it means more than he has ever said. It feels heavier than any other confession he's expressed as he has no idea what to do but look blankly ahead at Anne, his voice loss, his words not coming out effectively.

Anne stares back, sympathy in her wide eyes. "My boy," she coos.

She goes around the counter, embracing Harry and Harry takes it willingly because goddamit, he needs to feel. He needs someone, anyone who isn't going to leave him the next day and that he will never feel hurt by and his mother is the perfect person for that. He doesn't want to let go, doesn't want to begin thinking of how tough the next few days is going to be and how it feels great to just be here. Can this moment replay for the rest of his life so he can die happily in his mothers arm?

But unfortunately, she pulls away. "You have to understand the consquences of your actions. By doing this, it'll make it harder."

"I want him."

"Then either go and get him or let him go. Don't do this, don't torture yourself by snuggling besides him and then tomorrow, have to watch him with his fiance." She advices him.

And though it makes so much sense to Harry, he just wishes life was easier because he knows exactly how this is going to end.

After a few more minutes, and some discussion, Harry goes back to the living room to find his blanket on the floor and the sofa completely empty. Somewhere between the small argument and talk with his mother, Louis managed to get up and escape, leaving Harry alone.

Anne's right. By doing this, it'll only become harder so Harry knows exactly he's doing tomorrow. 

 

**

The next morning feels like death, a mix of emotions flowing through Harry as he gets dressed silently in the most casual clothing. He feels like shit, for the most part with eye bags and red rings under his eyes and looking visibly tired today. He doesn't know how to reduce this look but doesn't bother as he pulls the white shirt over his head and yawns into his hand. Today is all about make or break and he will either succeed and walk out with what he wants or he will end up broken, once again and return with no sign of return.

Consdering Harry's luck, it's probably the latter.

When he reaches downstairs, he doesn't bother to make small talk with his sister though he wants to ask how her day has been with her boyfriend. He merely smiles at her, slipping right past with no appetite and leaving the house without a word. He starts up his car, turning the radio on and turning up to the highest volume to distract himself and focus as he starts driving down the road.

He hasn't even properly checked the time, doesn't know where and when he'll run into Louis and whether Josh will be around but he doesn't care either. Harry has chosen to be brave, chosen to stand up for himself and use the power of communication in his favour for once. He needs to stop hiding around and just come out and say how he feels until it really is too late.

When it's too late, he can only blame himself.

When Harry finally reaches the huge mansion, he takes a second to take in the whole house again and re evalaute his life choices once again. Is he really going to go in and ask for Louis when he has all this luxury right at his footstep? Why the hell is he ever choose the boy with no money and nothing to offer except painful memories?

Still, he knows the answer, still, he has to try.

Harry cuts the engine off, taking a few deep breaths and training himself to set up for the rejection he's going to feel. When he finally feels ready, he climbs out of his engine and combs through his hair and starts walking towards the door. He looks around at the cars already packed up, the rolls royce and the range rover and compared to Harry's old, broken truck-like car.

God, he feels stupid.

Without wasting another second, in case he ends up backing down, Harry knocks on the front door and starts fiddling with his bracelete due to the nerves. There's quite a lot of shuffling behind the door before it opens and there stands Louis.

He looks gorgeous, as always. Flawless with his skin looking like perfection and his eyes a beautiful shade of blue, dressed in his jogging bottoms but looking so comfortable that Harry wants to cuddle. So, he clenches his fists and keeps it planted to himself.

Louis looks fairly surprised, raising an eyebrow. He looks guarded, like he doesn't want Harry here and the atmosphere feels tense and significantly different than yesterday.

Harry should've walked away, right now. Instead, he steps closer and smiles just slightly though it doesn't even feel remotely real and most probably didn't reach his eyes at all. "You left yesterday," he points out when he returned to the living room to the blanket on the floor.

Louis looks away, on the cement floor, at the ceiling, at the door - anywhere but Harry - and nods slightly. "Yeah."

"How comes?"

"There was no reason to stay, to be honest."

Harry gulps. Louis's being a little secretive and difficult, he clearly doesn't want to talk and he should've received his answer just by this. He should've turned on his heel, walked away and saved his own dignity but something instead him kept him there.

"I need to talk to you," Harry says.

Louis rolls his eyes. "I'm not sure there's much to say between us anymore, Harry. Do yourself and favour and go hom-"

He shakes his head, determined. "No, let me in, I want to talk."

Louis opens his mouth to refuse the demand again but then shuts it, a little startled and then ends up just opening the door wider to let him in without a word. In complete silence, Harry trails in, hearing the door being shut behind him, as he takes in the appearance of this mansion once again. The memories from the gathering is a little hazy so he can't remember much but he can vividly remember the white, sparkly tiles on the floor and the huge chandliers that shone out - clear just how expensive it is. The whole house is exavagarent, done to make an impact on people's life.

He tries not to let any of this show on his facial expression but Harry's a horrible liar and he can't help but let his mouth drop open. 

"Talk," Louis says coldly, not gesturing to any seat or offering any sort of welcome. Instead, they are standing in the middle of the hallway, barely inches away from the front door.

Harry's going to get kicked out, he can feel it in his bones.

Instead of asking what has made Louis change his demeanor, he starts to clear his throat and just launch into the conversation he came here for the first place. He doesn't want to ask for anything, he just wants one thing to survive.

"Louis," he starts, his throat feeling thick and the words feel stuck in his throat like he's not capable of letting them out. As tough as this is, he knows he has to do this - most probably for himself, to help himself get over this. He nods and exhales before continuing. "I want you."

Louis narrows his eyes. "I know."

"No, I mean..." There's a pause, a long painful pause. "I mean, I want you to choose me and come with me a-and, yeah." He runs a finger through his hair, unsure how to carry on but he's probably said the majority of it.

Because judging by the facial expression on Louis's face, it's clear he's horrified. His mouth is hanging open, in disgust, and his eyes are wide open, in surprise. He crosses his arm across his chest, taking a few steps back.

"Get out," he says, the only words he can get out as he gestures weakly towards the door.

Harry doesn't want to cry, God, he really doesn't but the harsh rejection and nothing else is making his chest burn and his eyes water. He can't cry.

Instead, he takes a step closer and he looks Louis straight dead in the eye. "Please, listen to me when I say I know I want now and I want-"

"It's my fucking wedding in three days!" Louis yells instead, cutting off anything Harry can even attempt to say, feeling wild as he waves his arms in the air. "I am getting married to a wonderful, beautiful man and I'm leaving you!"

Harry pauses. "You've already left me and I'm asking you to... choose me."

"I don't." Louis sighs. "Plus, I'm moving to New York in a matter of a few months."

Oh yeah, New York.

Anne had told him about him that and it must've completely slipped out of his mind but now, it just adds to the pain. Louis's moving away. Sure, to the same country as him but does that make anything easier? It just shows how serious they both are. He's prying, interrfering, being a homewrecker.

Harry's is feeling overwhelm with emotions, all hitting him at different areas, at his chest, his heart and everything hurts by the sharp rejection. He just can't accept it, he can't accept that this really is it and it's all over from now. That he'll never hold Louis that way, tenderly touch him and kiss him like he's important and show him all the right ways of living life. He deserves so much than being abandoned at flower shopping and leaving him alone for hours on ends, too busy to recognise how important he is.

Harry loves Louis and it'll never pass, it'll never go away - it'll always be this raw, this loud, this evident, this passionate.

It'll always hurt this much.

"Please." Harry begs, his voice breaking at the desperation seeping through and becoming painfully aware to the two lovers in the room. He doesn't remember feeling this strong pain soaring through his chest but it's clear as day that he wishes he never left to LA, he wishes he stayed here and made things work.

He's too late and this is how it ends.

Louis leaves him, Harry grieves.

"I don't fucking want you, Harry," Louis starts to spit, viscious and angry, red eyes and clenched fists. "I told you once and I'm telling you twice. Take a fucking hint, go towards the door and leave. Leave. Better yet, don't turn up for the wedding."

"W-what?" Harry struggles with words, all the words spinning in his mind. "Why are you so angry? Did something happen? Are you okay?"

"Stop with your fake concern, I'm completely fine. I don't need people like you ruining my life again and again. Leave."

Harry doesn't remember when he started crying but for sure, there is tears rolling down his cheeks after so long. Maybe months, maybe even a year. He wasn't even keeping track anymore. But it doesn't matter because it's here, fresh, fat tears streaming down endlessly and it feels foreign and Harry feels weak and defeated.

He's crying for Louis and it's a huge deal for him.

Sobbing, Harry attempts to reach forward, still delusional and still hoping Louis will magically change his mind last minute but he doesn't budge.

Instead, he walks towards the front door. His posture isn't as straight anymore, it's slouched and he also looks defeated as he opens it up. The world outside is continuing as it does, the people still walking around, the sun still shining, the clouds white and fluffy as ever. But the whole world has come to an end for Harry.

He feels dead, for real. He feels like he has no purpose to carry on.

With a heavy heart, with tear stained cheeks and with a mind that's closing on him, Harry walks towards it and out without a glance backwards or another word.

When he returns to his car, he sits there for a few second, unsure what to do. He's no in right position to move or start driving, he can't even see straight with the moisture collecting in his eyes with no sign of stopping as they spill out and make a mess of everything. His hands are wet from contiounsly wiping at it, trying to stop it and his jeans are damp from wiping his hands at. His phone is ringing in his pocket but his hands feel too numb to move towards it.

Harry feels numb.

He feels empty, numb and he doesn't know what to do.

So, he slams the steering wheel and stays there, allowing him a cry with loud choking, sobbing sounds because he doesn't know what else he can possibly do.

It's over.

**

Gemma is a huge support.

Like last time, she completely takes over and looks after Harry like her own child. In the end, he calls her for help and she takes the bus to pick Harry up, letting him sit in the back seat as she starts up the car and drives them home. For the rest of the day, she wraps him up in a blanket and refuses to let him out of bed, insisting he needs sleep more than anything. But Harry can't sleep. He's alert, eyes open, heart beating loudly against his chest and nothing feels changed but everything has changed.

The next morning he feels exhausted and weary, just wanting to stay in bed but he knows that isn't possible. The wedding dinner rehearsal is today and though he was officially uninvited to the wedding, Gemma insists otherwise.

"He text me saying you have to turn up," Gemma frowns, hopelessly pulling at Harry's duvet and trying to get him up with her phone in hand for evidence.

"Let me die here," Harry groans, his voice barely audible as he pulls at the little material he has left to cover his body, feeling vulnerable and on display. He just wants to hide away to deal with information he already knew so he can get over it. Yesterday was hard and he wants to lock it away right at the back of his mind and never address it again, can that be done?

Gemma doesn't budge though and with full force, pulls the blanket off and throws it on the ground with her hands on the hips. "You better get your ass up, in the shower right now and get ready. It's 3pm."

Harry frowns. "Gems, do I really have to go?"

Her face softens almost immediately when Harry speaks those words, her hands falling to her sides helplessly as she stares ahead at her little brother and then sighs loudly. "Oh, Harry," she sits down on the bed beside him. "Do you want to tell me what happened yesterday?"

"Not really but like, you know, I asked and he said no."

"Did mum say to do it?"

"I guess so, she just directed me that way to get my answer, you know?" Harry mumbles, throwing a hand through his curls and sighing.

"Babe, don't you think this is a good thing? You had this coming a long time, you knew what the answer was. It was a confirmation, wasn't it?"

Harry nods then sighs, again. "But it just hurts, still?" He struggles to say, always finding it hard to admit his weaknesses and actually voice them and now, sitting here with Gemma, it feels like this might be the first time they are discussing Louis. He never let that be a topic of discussion, pushing it away because it seems easier that way and now he needs to face the music.

"Of course it does bub, but that's just how life is, isn't it?" Gemma hums under her breath, stroking his curls because she remembers how much he loves that, smiling slightly. "But, don't you want to show him how much happier you can be without him? Prove him wrong? Turn up with a huge smile in a killer suit and a killer smile and let everyone know how good you feel today? Plus, my boyfriend is kind of downstairs and I really want you to meet him."

Harry takes a second, absorbing all the words that he has just been told and then nods slowly. She's right, in a way. This is the last two days in London and he wants to make the most of it, he wants to go out with a bang.

Plus, he's really curious about the two men in his girls life.

"So, who's mums new boyfriend?" Harry asks, throwing the blanket off and jumping out, trying to look fresh and new.

Gemma doesn't mind though, she grins like she's just graduated and claps her hand joyfully. "Robin, you have to hear all about him, really!"

**  
"This is Charlie," Gemma introduces proudly, a smile on her face as she fixes the bow tie on Charlie's white collared shirt, shaking her head at him. "My boyfriend."

Harry wants to puke, they are so adorable together and practically made for each other. They are both dorky, idiots, talk about TV shows together about science and the wonders of the world. They met at their job, book agency PR, and since then they've been glued together with no signs of stopping. It's cute but it's nauseating, how can someone love a person so much? How can they not get tired of each other? Then again, Harry can never get tired of Louis. 

"Where's Robin?" Harry grumbles, rubbing his forehead but teasing in a playful manner."I can't deal with this."

Charlie bursts into laughter, shaking his head at Harry and not offended at all whereas Gemma seems horrified, slapping his arm and warning him. He can tell she just wants everything to go well, can tell her nerves are sweeping through her smile that's on the verge of breaking down. Gemma just wants Harry to be comfortable and wants him to accept Charlie just as well as the family has. Harry is no one to disagree with the relationship since he did the disappearing act. He doesn’t really get a say anymore. 

 

"Wait till you meet Robin, you're in for a surprise! He's a lovely man, you won't have anything to criticise," Gemma smiles.

Harry smiles too because that's good to hear, knowing his mother is in good hands after one relationship went wrong and now, she has someone to fall back on. She doesn't need to have endless, sleepless nights anymore and rather, can sleep peacefully with someone by her side. Harry feels his heart swell with love, wanting to meet his maybe soon-to-be step father. He is always accepting of other parts of the family, whether that be his step father. He just wants everyone to be content with what they have here, wants his family to be genuinely happy. 

Instead, he stands up from the kitchen stool and extending his hand to Gemma's boyfriend. "Hello, I'm Harry, Gemma's brother , nice to meet you."

Charlie looks a little surprised but pleased all over, smirking as he takes the hand and shakes it with a little squeeze. "Manners, I see."

"Well, obviously," Harry teases, pretending to flip hair off his shoulders like Gemma used to when she was younger and Gemma glares, flushing a little.

He's pretending to be okay, for the most part, he's putting on a brave smile and pretending to eat though he just wants to throw up more than anything. He feels numb, nothing running through his mind except how cold he feels. This must be how it feels to be dead. Harry tries to ignore it but how can he ignore the only feeling running through him? So, instead, he tries to distract himself with Charlie who is proving himself to be a great boyfriend, giving no reason for Harry to hate him which is annoying. It defeats all the fun.

Soon enough, Anne walks into the house with Robin in tow and Harry tries not to let his mouth drop. He knows that his mother is in a relationship again but it all seems too real now that he's standing in the house, short, cuddly and he has his arms around Anne's waist, grinning. His eyes fall on Gemma first, smiling wider.

"Hello dear!" He greets, moving forward and hugging and giving Charlie a brief nod and handshake before turning towards and Harry and his grin grows even wider. If it was even possible. He looks way too excited to meet Harry. "I've heard so much about you!" He exclaims.

Harry raises a slight eyebrow at Anne, wondering what she's been saying (most likely complaining that he's the worst son who never visits or sends parcels home from LA with gifts except on birthdays) but lets himself be pulled into a hug.

Robin provides the right amount of warmth, embracing him completely and squeezing. "It's so nice to finally meet you, Harry," he says.

Harry relaxes, lets himself be hugged because right now, it's comforting and he might as well take all the comfort he can get. "Well, I wish I could say the same but I only found out you're existed this week!" Harry says.

Anne laughs, shaking her head and wiping under her eyes before Robin returns to her side and snakes his arms back around her waist. "I wish I could've told you earlier!"

Harry doesn't mind though, he hasn't been the easiest person to talk to lately and he completely understands that. He's been so self absorbed in his own problems that he's completely ignored that the rest of the world has been moving on, reaching out for their own happiness and forgetting Harry, trusting him to be getting along with his own. Now, he has to live up to that and start moving on too. There are plenty of single gay men back at home and he can start looking for some, just for fun and commitment might just come along with it.

He hopes, anyway.

It's a start of a new life and he has to start living from today, from now.

Gemma moves forward and hands Harry a clean white shirt and a bow tie, ordering him to get changed and start matching with Charlie because apparently, it'll make perfect picture material and it'll be adorable. Without another word, he takes it off her and wanders up to his room. He starts getting changed, doing his hair and realising he doesn't know what to do with it so just lets it lay there. It's getting really long and harder to control, falling right above his shoulders and the ringlets curly as ever.

He likes it, it makes him feel free, liberating and Harry can't imagine short hair anymore. Everyone tells him it suits him so he believes it, doesn't bother to get it cut. Plus, he loves throwing his hair up in a bun but attending a wedding dinner rehearsal doesn't seem appropriate in a bun. He needs to look formal, needs to make the last attempts and efforts at this before he never returns to this cursed town.

It's a little upsetting to be standing in this room knowing he has no intentions of coming back here, it might be the last few times he'll be in here because it's just easier to move on with your life if you're not surrounded by old memories and taunting flashbacks.

He remembers him and Louis messing around in here, watching movies together, telling ghost stories under the blankets with the lights off and torches in the hand, trying to scare each other and see who can't go to the toilet on their own.

Their first time too.

So many different stories to tell one day to someone who'll listen. Maybe Harry will tell his children how once he had the most perfect boy in his arms and how it went all wrong, how easily he let that love go and how easily he choose the coward path out by moving away. How he regrets it even after all those years and he'll tell his children to never let go of someone who means a lot because they'll always remember it. He’ll tell his children everything he didn’t get to do, he will make sure they make the right choice. 

When Harry's finally done, and somewhat pleased with his reflection, he makes his way downstairs where the whole family is sitting around the sofa and sipping at cups of tea and watching the news. He just goes and joins Charlie on the sofa.

"So, what's the best thing about Gemma?" He asks, attempting to make conversation and really, he doesn't mean for his voice to sound so intimidating but it's just coming out that way. He doesn’t want to be an awkward person, just sitting there, and making it difficult for each of them to reach out to each other. Even though it’s a feeble attempt of conversation, it’s still something. 

Charlie blushes a little, avoiding eye contact and sipping at his cup of tea with a nervous smile. Gemma just glares but you can see how she's curious too, wanting to know answer too. "I guess, her smile?" He finally answers with a frown and shrugging. 

Gemma rolls her eye. "How boring."

"I agree," Harry smirks, "what a boring answer, I know you want to say something else."

Charlie just laughs, shaking her head. "I can't choose one thing, there's too many good things and I love them all. All through her moodiness."

"I am not moody!" She retorts, scandalised. 

Harry just shakes his head, tuning out of the conversation and letting them two argue amongst each other. He looks over his clothes, making sure the bow tie is perfect and straight and his shirt is tucked in and looks good. It's just the wedding rehearsal, it's nothing major, it's a practice run so he can manage his feelings in two days time. It's finally hitting him that this is actually happening and he has to just accept it. Maybe it'll be easier this time, a confirmation of Louis's feelings and how Harry doesn't need anyone besides his mother and his sister and maybe Nick back home.

Anne clears her throat, catching everyone's attention and smiling whilst cuddling besides Robin. "Are we all ready? We should get going, Robin will drive us."

Robin nods, getting up and slipping his perfect polished shoes on with a grin. "Indeed, it's quite a drive."

So they all get into the car like a happy family, like the old days except his real father is missing and Charlie is here. Gemma, Harry and Charlie are squashed in the back, Harry facing the window and glancing out whilst the two love birds show some public display of affection that makes him cringe. Anne and Robin take the front seats, Anne in the passenger seat as she starts flipping through radio stations and finding something suitable to play for the drive there.

They end up with upbeat, techno dance music.

Harry groans, really not into this type of music and wishing he had headphones with him as he slumps into his seat and tunes out of the conversation. Instead, he watches the roads and the trees pass by, the world outside looking so small. He tries to pinpoint a memory of each place, tries to think back to when he used to be happy with the world and these places but every single one reminds him of Louis.

Louis seems to be everywhere. Why is he everywhere? 

The drive is a long but steady one, there's no traffic and they quickly enter the beautiful countryside part of London where miles of land stretches on and there's no houses to be seen. He watches with content, snapping a few blurry pictures because of the moving car but he's fine with that. He just loves pictures, being able to snapshot one particular moment in one picture that will last forever.

It's amazing.

Finally, they are pulling up outside a very beautiful like venue, much like a castle. It's decorated to perfection with huge lights and banners, luxurious cars parked up ranging from limos to range rovers to party buses. Harry has to remind himself that Josh and his family are loaded with money, they can easily afford all of this and more and decided to make the rehearsal dinner over the top. Of course, they are rich. This is best they can do with their money.

They climb out of their car, Harry feeling quite of place with a ocean of unknown and unfamiliar faces surrounding him. They are all posh and done up, wearing suits with ties and holding glasses of wine though they haven't even entered the place yet. They all look expensive, something Harry is definitely not and though he is wearing a designer suit - it just feels wrong. It’s not up to notch to what these people look like.

Gemma reaches his side, poking his stomach and giggling. "Hey, smile, yeah?"

Harry plasters a forced, fake smile that hurts his jaw but as long as it convinces Gemma, it's fine and nods to her. "I'm smiling, I'm fine. You enjoy your day with Charlie."

She smiles at Harry. "Come to me if you need anything, okay? I'll probably be like near the bar or the food."

"Of course," Harry chuckles, tapping Charlie's shoulders and excusing himself to go and search for a quiet place to sit down at. He really doesn't want to see Louis, be exposed to how good he looks in a suit. Suits look exceptionally stunning on Louis like he was made to be worn in them, they hug his thighs well, showing them off as thick and fits smugly around his bum to make it look perky and big. The blazer also makes him look smart and dashing. Harry can remember how much he used to adore seeing Louis in a suit, wanted him to always wear it - being the lovesick 18 year old he was.

 

Though there's still a hole in Harry's heart that needs to be healed with plenty of drinks and possibly, a great cake, he knows this day isn't about him and he simply can't sit around here and mope about it. This day is about the happiness and joyous occasion occurring, the reason for many of the smiles of the adults around here today and Harry doesn’t deserve to ruin the lovely mood by his constant pessimistic thoughts. He needs to put himself aside for one day and focus on the brighter side of life. 

Whilst looking for a quiet place, he stumbles across Zayn and Liam sitting on a bench, snogging each other's face off and panting like they just can't get enough of each other. Liam's hands are trailing underneath Zayn's blazer, feeling his back all over whilst Zayn is cupping Liam's face and holding it fiercely tight like he's scared of letting go. They look so absorbed in each other, so passionate as they hold onto dear life and cling to each other like a second apart will be a moment too long. 

They look adorable but it's disgustingly sweet. Disgustingly to the point that it makes Harry want to gag, his chest pinging at the sight of the lovesick couple.

Harry coughs, not on purpose, and his face goes red when he realises he's interrupting a happy couples moment who are getting it on right here, at a wedding rehearsal like it's their bedroom.

Zayn is the first one to pull away, blushing furiously as he tries to wipe his face like it's a blush colour that will come off before holding his hands in his laps. "Harry!" He exclaims, his voice high from the little make out session he was just having and not recovered from the rush of adrenaline just yet. He gets off from Liam, sending him a quick glare before walking towards Harry and pulling him into a hug. Harry relaxes, going lax in his hands and feeling comfort. "I'm glad you came."

"Why wouldn't I?" He mumbles into Zayn's shoulders, feeling emotional but not daring to shed a tear as he just nuzzles his head deeper and trying not to think.

Zayn just repeatedly rubs his hands down his back and sighs. "After Louis decided to not invite you anymore, I thought you wouldn't come around even after being asked to come."

Well, this wasn't part of the plan. He really didn't want to discuss Louis right now, he just wanted to forget all about it and enjoy the range of free food on the table. He wanted to enjoy the different cocktails, the drinks and lose his mind tonight. It only makes sense, doesn't it? Plus, he was hardly going to waste a perfectly good space of a day by moping around at his house. He needs to show up, act like he’s better and stronger than that. 

"No, I must come if I came all the way from America, right?" Harry coughs, finally pulling away and adjusting his suit before winking at Liam who is still bright red in the face. "Do I get a hug too? Or will you just sit there, embarrassed out of your mind? It's fine, really." He assures the poor boy.

Liam just chuckles, shaking his head as he jumps up from where he's sitting and walks towards Harry, hugging him briefly but tightly. "Glad you came bro."

"I'm glad to be here too." Harry lies, sort of.

All three of them walk towards the food section of the party, grabbing at it like children and tasting it all like they haven't had food before. The food tastes good, it must be one of the best caterers in the city since Josh likes to do his occasions big. If this is just the rehearsal, Harry can't even begin to imagine how the actual wedding will be. He doesn’t focus on that though, he just focuses on his plate brimming with food as he glances around guiltily and stuffs the appetizers into his mouth. Zayn just shakes his head at him pitifully but not realising he’s doing practically the same whilst Liam sips at his cocktails with a smug grin of content from the alcohol. 

They watch all the guests pile in, all holding presents and dressed elaborately and accordingly perfectly. The women all wear long dresses, sparkly and elegant with bright red lipsticks and high heels whilst the men are dressed smartly in suits and ties. It all looks great, rich. 

"How well organised," Harry mutters under his breath before he can stop his voice, glancing over the venue and how gorgeous it all is, how it all fits together. There are trees, bushes, decorations all over and it's just a lovely place. Josh definitely went all out with this. This would definitely be one of his top locations if he was looking to get married -- if that ever works out right for him. 

Right on cue, Harry spots Louis emerging too with his mother and sisters in tow too. He looks like he's glowing, practically with his huge smile and crinkly eyes. His sinful body figure smug in his blue suit and tie. His hair is pushed back in a quiff, looking expensive and confident. He walks into the venue with an mesmerizing aura that has Harry staring, mouth wide open. Everything about him screams gorgeous, stunning, breathtaking. It takes Harry a few seconds to recover from the awkward staring, not being able to divert his eyes from Louis’s figure but also his beautiful face. How can one person be so appealing? Louis walks straight to Josh, smiling and kissing him shortly before introducing himself to all the family members. Johannah goes to the mother-in-law, starts a discussion, dressed in a beautiful cream dress and a sequin sweater. She looks content, sighing dreamily as she continuously glances around the venue and points out her favourite flowers. 

But Harry can't take his eyes off the stunning boy who holds his heart, Louis who looks content with all these family members that will be his in a matter of a few days. He has a wide smile on his face, shaking hands with his father-in-law and hugging the mother-in-law whilst he has his fingers intertwined with Josh and clutching on for dear life. He can’t shake off the image of Louis, who bloody happy he looks to be here. 

Louis is the groom, Josh is the groom whilst Harry is an outsider.

Zayn notices how Harry is watching his every move, wrapping his arms around Harry's shoulders and starts steering him to another direction. "Come on, let's get a table for the dinner and get some more food in us, yeah?"

Harry feels incapable to speak, not sure what to say as he just swallows and nods. He lets Zayn take him away, powerless and feeling empty as they grab the table right at the back. Another reminder that Harry is merely nothing here, he doesn't belong near the front with all the family members celebrating the joyous occasion. Instead, he's sitting out of the view, with the other useless people and feeling quite useless himself.

However, both Liam and Zayn attempt to brighten the mood as they crack jokes, feed each other and play games of who can eat the fastest. Somewhere along the lines, Niall joins them on the table and it's almost like nothing has changed. Them four, goofing around and acting like fools that never grew up just like high school days when they sat the back of the class and threw around pieces of paper to get on peoples nerves. Together, they talk about school memories and reminisce on all the funny times how Zayn used to be hellbent on getting Liam is trouble and how Niall nearly got excluded for walking into an exam half drunk. It’s com

But Louis is missing because he's at the front, with Josh, hand in hand as they taste the food together and discuss each one.

Gemma and Charlie end up joining them too, in their own world but Gemma doesn't fail to give Harry a few looks here and there, reassuringly smiling. Anne and Robin also happen to arrive too, giggling and cracking jokes like children.

This is Harry's family.

He is brought out of his thoughts when Josh arises from his seat the front, hitting his fork on the flute of wine to catch everyone's attention. Immediately, everyone quietens down and start giving him full attention as he steps out of the table slightly to greet everyone. Josh looks exceptionally great too, his hair out of his hair and his eyes bright brown - he looks happy. He should be. He has taken his blazer off, just in a white button down and blue trousers as he takes one hard look at every guest before clearing his throat.

"Thank you for all joining us on this beautiful day, the sun is shining and the birds are chirping! As you may all know, it's mine and Louis's wedding in just two days and you all have joined on for the rehearsal dinner! We all hope the food was up to your standards, it was rather delightful and me and Louis have enjoyed it. So thanks to the caterers for exceeding our expectations," he smiles, a great host to all his guests before looking at Louis with love and admiration in his wide eyes, "I'm so glad I get to marry this amazing, mindblowing, down-to-earth boy: Louis and I'm even more joyful that all of you have decided to join us. I have been with Louis for a long time now and everyday, he brings me more happiness that I ever expected."

Harry rolls his eyes. Is that so? Is that why you leave Louis hanging on most days because you're too busy with work, right?

Harry looks at his family on his table, none of them looking the slightest bit pleased with the speech but not making any comments either. Gemma just has a hard smile on her face, eyes not giving away anything as she clutches onto Charlie's hand and Anne is just staring at Harry himself.

Harry just coughs, wiping his hands on the napkin and smiling straight ahead at no one in particular. Anyone but Louis.

"That's all I wanted to say, I'll say the rest on the actual day when this boy will officially be Mr. Walter."

Louis Walter.

Harry feels like he needs to gag, what an ugly name.

Niall stifles a scoff as Zayn reaches over, slapping him and sending him a stern glare before the speech is over and the music returns, the dessert coming out. But Harry is full, he doesn't have an appetite for more food after that speech as he gets up from his seat.

Anne is first to speak. "Where you going H?" She asks, her eyes wide.

Harry shrugs. "Going to grab a drink."

"Want us to come?" Zayn offers.

But he just smiles slightly, shrugging and dismissing him with a shake of a hand. "I'm okay, need some time alone anyway." And with that, he gives one final smile to everyone before getting up from the table and wandering off to the little drink/bar section.

Because of fucking course they have one.

Feeling rather miserable, Harry sits on the stool and just asks for a glass of wine as he loosens his bowtie and relaxes on the seat. He tries to forget everything else today, just focusing on now and how in a few days, he'll be back in the comfort of his own bed. Soon, everything else will just fade away and it won't matter and the burning pain in his chest will feel dull and distant. It takes time but Harry will heel.

Taking a few long sips at a time, Harry gulps back the drink and just welcomes how he feels a little hazy, much less uptight now.

"Hey, I haven't seen you before?" Someone asks, the voice unfamiliar and Harry can't place his finger on it as he puts his glass down and swivels his chair around to see a boy sitting beside him.

He's fucking beautiful.

With brown quiffed hair and hazel brown eyes, sharp cheekbones and a little beard growing. "I'm Aiden," he introduces himself before Harry can even begin to take the boys facial features in, before he can even appreciate it. "You are?"

"I'm-I'-" Harry clears his throat. "Harry Styles."

"Ah, friends of Louis?"

Friends. Just friends.

Harry nods. "Yeah, friends, I guess. You?"

"Josh's second cousin or something like that," Aiden sounds uninterested, shrugging without a care as he gulps back his own drink. "I don't even know why I'm here."

Harry chuckles. "Josh does it big, huh?"

"Yeah, he definitely does. Money makes him feel powerful so he uses it to his full advantage. I haven't talked to him in... years, I don't know. It feels out of place to be here." Aiden sighs, finishing off the last sip in his glass before twisting his torso to give Harry another look. He looks up and down, lingering at his crotch before smiling. "You must be happy for Louis."

Happy, hah.

Harry resists the urge to let any emotion surface, forcing it down within him as he takes another sip of his wine. He can’t make anything suspicious. Besides, Aiden is kinda hot and he wants to keep talking to him. "Yeah, something like that," he mutters.

"Louis was talking about you at the gathering, he seems fond. Great friendship."

"He was?" This is news.

"Yeah," Aiden smiles. "Talking about how you were going to achieve great things in life and he couldn't be more proud but just wishes you guys were just as close as you used to be."

Harry pauses, the words running through his body as it sinks in and he realises how heavy those words are. Louis thinks Harry is going to be successful, going to achieve things in life when he is only sitting around, singing in pubs and doing nothing special at all. He can't think of Harry of anything when Louis's the one sitting with the millionaire boyfriend, this enormous wedding that's luxurious and everything Harry isn't.

Harry pulls at his blazer self consciously, feeling more low than before - the words taking the wrong effect. "Well," he just shrugs, drinking and letting the burn go down his throat as he accepts the taste and just sighs.

Aiden stares at him for a few seconds, his expression unreadable before he smiles and raises his glass, drinking. "You're cute, I can see why Louis likes you so much."

"Oh, please," he chuckles nervously, shaking his head.

"No, honest!" Aiden says, eyes wide with honesty as he puts his empty glass down and smiles. "Honestly." He repeats.

Harry resists the sudden urge to roll his eyes, inform Aiden he's wrong and he can't say much from just looking and talking to him for a few minutes. He doesn't even know who Harry is and yet, here is he, sitting here and telling him lies about Louis and getting under his skin without doing much at all. 

"Well, thank you," he struggles to accept the compliment, visibly grimacing. 

Aiden grins back. "That wasn't too hard, was it?" He winks, getting up from his seat as Harry looks down Aiden's figure.

Taking second looks now, Harry can see how gorgeous Aiden really is. He is tall, slender and his legs seem to stretch on for miles but they look so explicitly amazing in those tight trousers and how the blazer smugly fits his tiny waist. His eyes are glistening as he pulls at his blazer too, grinning. Does this guy ever stop smiling like that? Can he actually stop smiling like that, on second thoughts?

Still, Harry returns the gesture. "I guess not."

"See you around Harry," Aiden just laughs, nodding and quickly fitting in another wink before strutting off to the other side to join his table.

Harry sits at the table for a few more minutes, enjoying and soaking up his own company which he rarely gets and letting his thoughts invade over for a second. It's peaceful, it feels great to just have a few seconds to himself before he has to return to his apologetic friends and family who have so much pity for him. Plus, he’d want to talk to Aiden again despite the awkward and annoying encounter he just had. He seems like a nice lad, a little flirty and he bets they’d get along well. Actually, it might be a perfect excuse to get his mind off Louis. But, right now, he needs to go back to his table. 

So he gets up and makes his way back to the table before someone pulls over, grabbing him and pulling him into a separate corner, away from the rest of the crowd. It’s a startled, quick movement that has Harry anxious and afraid. Is he being abducted from a fucking wedding rehearsal? Is he going to die?

Harry is a little breathless, his heart race increasing but instantly relaxes when he realises standing before him is the groom himself, Louis. Louis who is looking exceptional in his suit and his quiffed hair and the smile he is wearing like Harry has never seen before. But when he realises where he is, who he’s standing with -- the heart race started accelerating again but he tries to play it cool. 

Harry leans back on the wall, teasing as he folds his hands and smiles just slightly. "How does it feel then?" He asks.

Louis narrows his eyes. "What?"

"How does it feel to be the man of the hour, the one everyone is expecting to see walking down that aisle in two days, huh? The centre of attention?"

Louis stares for a few moments with something like pain written all over his features. He clutches onto his blazer sleeves, not blinking and then he twists his face into a sinister smile. “Are you jealous, Harry?” He questions with such innocence. 

Harry scoffs. He feels a sudden rush of anger overcoming him as all the emotions and events of the past year overtake him, replacing all the positive thoughts and only having hatred and resentment running through his veins. He tried so hard not to blame Louis for any of this, accepting that it's his own fault but it isn't. He isn't the one who chose a fake, rich man over his boyfriend. He didn't go for the easier option, the option that got him money and fame. Louis did that, Louis did this. 

 

"You disgust me, you know?" Harry declares, not looking up at Louis and instead picking at his nails, looking disinterested and distant. He doesn't care how he's coming off right now, doesn't care how devilish and not like Harry he sounds. There's only so much someone can take. He tried to be happy for Louis, tried to be there for his "best friend" but the truth is, he can't handle it and now it's all coming undone. "You make me want to run away, hide and never come back. You make me regret everything. How fucking dare you question why I moved away."

Louis freezes up, his hands still at his side and his eyes small. He looks hurt, his face contorted up and his eyes looking wet but he makes no effort to wipe at it. He looks like he's in shock, like he can't take the truth.

"W-what?" Louis's voice betrays him, it's shaky and on the edge of breaking down. “Regret?”

Harry feels powerful in that moment realising he has the upper hand right now, he can say whatever he wants and make Louis feel all the suffering he went through. All the pain, all the what if's and all the sleepless nights he spent crying at his bedside whilst clutching a photo frame of his favourite picture of Louis. For so long, he questioned where he went wrong, what he did, why it had to be him but he realised: it was Louis's fault all along.

"I'm not going to stand for this anymore, you know?" Harry rolls his eyes, running a hand through his messy curls and pulling it out of his face. "You can't keep doing this. It's your rehearsal dinner, why are you here with me?" He takes a step closer, smirking now. "You want me, you want to choose me but you're fucking scared Louis. You aren't brave, you're a coward, you hear me?"

"Don't be fucking stupid," Louis says but it's barely above a whisper.

Harry takes another step closer, bringing his lips down to Louis's neck and blowing hot breath on it, smiling when he successfully makes Louis shiver. "You will always want me. How can you not? How will you forget your first fuck, first love? You won't, simple as, as much as you will try and get married to someone else in this delusion you'll find happiness this way."

Louis tries to take a step back but Harry reaches over, stopping him by grabbing hold of his hips and tightening his hold. "You're running away like you always do. Is that all you know to do?"

"Shut the fuck up Styles, shut the fuck up," Louis mutters continuously under his breath.

"You love me and you just can't admit it, pity," Harry whispers right into Louis's ear hotly, smirking. "Well, you can have all the fun you want here in your fake ass wedding with some fake ass millionaire and refuse to accept your feelings. Whilst, I'll go and have fun with Aiden. He's a spicy one, him."

Louis visibly tenses up. "Aiden? Josh's cousin?"

Harry chuckles, nodding, their bodies still touching. Chest to chest, mouth to ear, hand to hip as Harry takes control of the situation and he loves the dominance and control he has right now. "He told me quite a few things earlier, think I'll find him right after this, will be fun, no?"

"Don't you dare," he hisses.

But Harry can’t seem to understand why’d he care anyway. After all, he has Josh and that’s torture enough looking at. So, he is allowed to have some fun and find Aiden. He’s allowed to have his few moments of fame and fun, around someone who is related to Josh -- it can cause more pain to Louis. 

"Louis Tomlinson, you no longer have any right to tell me what I can or can't," and with that, he lets go of Louis's hips and steps away, walking away without another word. 

He can feel Louis's eyes burning on his back but he has enough self pride to not turn around and glance at him again. He's done enough talking for one day. Instead of going back to find Aiden and carry out with his plan, he calls a taxi driver and decides to go home instead. He doesn’t need to return to that goddamn cursed place and his table. 

**

It's the next morning and Harry is cuddled up on his sofa, clutching his iPhone and facetiming Nick - it feels like he hasn't talked to him in ages and he really misses his best friend. They always get up to so much mischief and not having him around right now is a struggle since Nick can brighten up any situation. If the boy was here, Harry can practically imagine what he’d be like. He’d be like a menace, actively taking the piss out of everything from the flowers to the actual groom themselves. He’d work day and night to make Harry smile, to see those dimples appear.

"So, what's the plan now?" Nick asks, yawning. He is dressed casually, in a white shirt and grey hoodie, snuggled up to his pillow, his hair everywhere. He also looks exhausted, his eyes shutting slightly as his voice trails off, raspy. 

Harry glances at the clock worriedly, he knows the time difference is significant in Los Angeles but he doesn't want Nick to go just yet. He feels like this is the only time he can feel close to the only thing makes sense right now and it keeps him down to the ground. He has hardly had any time to catch up with him. 

"Uh, I guess, tomorrow's the wedding and I'll be flying out the day after," Harry shrugs.

"You're returning way too soon, you should spend some time with your mother - she's such a lovely women and she misses you so dearly."

Harry sighs, nodding in agreement as he nuzzles his head into the cushion and feeling terrible. He feels like such a failure when it comes to his mother, he has let her down and never achieved to be the best son she's always wanted. He has done nothing but bring misery and regret to her life, sorrows and second guessing. He doesn't know why this doesn't stop him from returning, why he just doesn't stay here but it's been too long to even consider that now.

"We can call, we talk all the time," Harry tries to make himself feel better more than anything but he knows it’s not good enough. 

Nick rolls his eyes, snorting. "If you say so.” He changes the subject, deciding not to dwell on it. “How you feeling now?"

After hours of spilling out all the events of the past week, discussing everything from the little coffee date to only yesterday when he ended up saying a few things that he shouldn't of. But at the same time, he doesn't regret it. He carefully avoids the fact that he cried for Louis, in front of him and instead, got shit all back. But now that he’s successfully let it all out, informed Nick up to date as to what’s going on -- he feels lighter, like a weight's been lifted off his shoulders.

He feels quite done.

"Great," Harry lies, "sometimes you just need to talk it out."

However, Nick doesn't look the slightest bit convinced but just hums, nodding. "What you going to do today?"

"Well I was hoping, dear, that we can sit here and facetime all day but you look knackered and it's probably really early in the morning there. Go to sleep Nick."

Nick smiles, nodding. "Well yes, it's quite an ungodly hour but I'm quite used to it when it comes to you."

"Shut up, idiot," Harry laughs, "night sweetheart," he teases before ending the call and throwing his phone on the side, hoping he won't have to pick it up again.

Instead, he turns the TV volume up and settles on watching a few shows instead, just wanting to relax. After a while, Gemma and Charlie join him with cups of tea as they discuss the events of yesterday and express how annoyed they were when Harry left but didn't bother him too much. Anne enters later on in her gown, a tired smile as she leans down and kisses Harry on the forehead before disappearing to make breakfast. It's such a blissful feeling to just sit there and watch your family walk past, do day-to-day life errands whilst Harry watches on. He likes this, feels like he belongs somewhere but also brings a wave of sadness when he realises he can't have this forever. 

"Uh, Harry," Gemma snaps him out of his peaceful thoughts, handing over his phone that is bursting with messages and endless notifications ringing loudly. He hadn't even realised it was ringing for the past few minutes. "You might want to check this?"

Harry takes it off her gracefully, nodding before checking the messages, realising it's from an unknown number. He unlocks his phone to take a better look at it.

'Harry. I need to see you. Please see me.'

'It's Louis, please.'

'I'll be waiting outside your house, Gemma's house. Is anyone in?'

'It's been 15 minutes.'

Harry doesn't know how to feel, how to react because he feels nothing. Absolutely nothing as he types out his reply: 'why should I? What's there to talk about now?'

'Less talking, more doing.' comes the reply straight away.

That has his attention now. What the hell does Louis mean? Is he feeling okay? Where is Josh? Why aren't they together the day before their wedding? Without thinking, he jumps up from the sofa and like an automatic response, he dials the number. Barely after one ring, Louis picks it up. 

"Harry," he breathes out, sounding like he has just ran a marathon and Harry can practically imagine him, sitting outside the house, waiting, coming running back to Harry like he always does. It’s enough to catch his attention anyway.

"What do you want?" Harry asks, impatiently tapping on the wall but all at the same time, putting on his shoes and moving forward to grab his coat. It’s pathetic that even now, he’s getting ready to return to the one thing that brings him misery and so much fucking happiness that it makes his heart swell. He’s so fucking stupid but he needs to do this. He’s trying to act annoyed with his voice, trying to sweep in all the undertones in his voice but it most certainly doesn’t mean he won’t go running there. He’ll always go running back to Louis.

"Need you, need you to come see me."

"It's your wedding tomorrow," he deadpans.

"I don't fucking care, damn it. Come here."

"Fuck you man," Harry hisses, hanging up but leaving the house and jogging over to his car, turning the engine on and pulling out of the driveway. This was the worst idea, the worst plan, he should be clever enough to stop and get back inside and pretend it never happened. But Harry loves Louis and nothing will compare to that so he’s going to make one more mistake and hope it works out all for the best.

He drives down the roads, speeding, not caring much for the traffic lights and the cars. He knows he's being reckless but there's a different sort of emotion running through his body, a feeling of need and want mixed with lust and longing. 

When he reaches the house, he cuts the engine off and sits in the car for a few moments, watching Louis sitting outside. He looks beautiful, like most days, with his hair down, fringe out, messy and his eyes tired and weary. He is dressed as casual as he can be, a simple shirt and jeans with vans and he is watching his hands. But when he notices the car, he jumps up in delight, his eyes shining up.

Harry shudders as he climbs out of the car, making his way over there and raising his eyebrow. "Why you here Louis?"

"Open the house, go on," Louis demands, pointing towards the door.

Harry waits for a second, considering this and weighing the options in his mind. He needs to think about this, he knows he should. This is not a smart move, it'll only end in more misery and probably even more tears. Can he afford that? A day to go till the wedding and here he fucking is, at a house full of memories with fucking Louis. The person who should be moving to New York with his new fiance, or husband, in a matter of months.

"Why?" He asks instead, though barely audible.

Louis visibly grits his teeth like he doesn't have much time, clenching his hands and exhaling sharply. "Please."

"I need to know why."

"I need you," Louis voice breaks at the end, eyes brimming with tears as he confesses the words and takes a step back like he wasn't expecting that.

Neither was Harry but a part of him always knew, knew that Louis knows he belongs to Harry and probably always will. Feelings like this don't fade away, they don't disappear - they stay prominent, loud and unbearable to deal with.

So Harry doesn't waste another second before he pulls out the keys from his pocket, unlocking the front door and entering - only to be hit with a brick of memories. Only a few days back, they were here and Harry was grinding on him whilst trying to release all his frustration out. But a few years back, everything he loved belonged here. It was probably why it was so heavy on his heart to return here. He takes a quick glance around before Louis literally attacks him, hands on Harry's hips as he pushes him back onto the wall.

Before Harry can even take a second to comprehend what is going on, Louis slams his lips down on Harry and starts kissing him. At first, it's forceful and rough, needing to feel each other as Harry relaxes and lets himself be kissed. He misses Louis's soft lips, how they mould into his and how good he feels. As Louis deepens the kiss, licking Harry's mouth, Harry finds his hands all over Louis's body in desperation. Needing to feel him, needing to be closer and he almost moans into the kiss when his hands reach down to Louis's perfect round bum, sticking out and on display. Without even thinking, he slaps him harshly on the ass and Louis freezes.

Harry doesn't even have long enough to wonder whether he's gone too far, whether it was too soon because Louis goes back to kissing, rougher, tangling his fingers in Harry's hair and tugging tightly like when they discovered he had a thing for hair pulling when they were just 16 and Louis was fascinated by it. He would constantly do it, in public, behind closed doors just to see Harry's little gasps, his eyes squeezed shut as he relished the pain.

"You like that, don't you?" Louis mutters, barely above a whisper against Harry's lips, hovering over them before giving another harsh tug. “I remember, I know all the little things about you. Does Aiden know about it? Did he make you feel like this?”

Harry just nods, incapable of forming proper sentences right now. "Y-yeah I like it."

Only Louis could have this effect on him, having him gasping and half hard just by kissing but he's needed Louis's attention for so long like this. He has needed to be feel him underneath all the angst, just forget everything for one fucking second and just be with the beautiful boy who easily comes in and takes control.

Louis smirks, he is in control now and seems to know exactly what he is doing. "I know you do, I know why you grew your hair out."

"It wasn't for you, you fucker," Harry hisses as Louis tugs his hair backwards, giving more access to his neck and starts biting down on it, licking it, getting it all hot. "Don't leave marks." He warns. He can’t bother with explanations as to where they’ve popped up from nowhere but it feels so good. It feels amazing to have Louis licking at it, giving it so much attention. 

"You love me leaving marks, don't try to hide it now," Louis simply says, only lifting his head to plant another kiss on Harry's lips that are open in pleasure before returning to his neck and biting down, kissing it all over. He focuses on different areas at a time, licking it over before biting down harshly and finishing off with a swift kiss. "Missed this, missed feeling you and wanting you and actually having you. I'm tired of imagining this whilst you're 9 fucking hours away, tired of hiding."

Harry can relate but doesn't say a word, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath whilst keeping his hands moving all over Louis's body. He needs to feel Louis. 

Louis pulls away after one last kiss on the now red neck, admiring his work and smiling up at Harry. Then, without a word, simply pushes Harry to his knees and Harry knows exactly what follows next. So, they are actually doing this. They are going to fuck their problems away like it's not there and everything returns back to normal tomorrow, like it hasn't even happened. Louis will go back to Josh, he will iron his suit for tomorrow and walk down that aisle whilst Harry watches from afar. Harry has enough time to walk away, right now but desire overcomes him as he gets to work.

He unbuckles Louis's belt with ease, unbuttoning it and pulling the black skin tight jeans down to be exposed to his perfect toned thighs he loves so dearly. He used to be a master at this, knew every inch of Louis and what made him gasp and let out those pretty little whimpers. He almost cries with how familiar Louis feels and smells, even after all those years. Every part of Louis is carved to perfection, all heavenly, all needs love and attention as he starts kissing the skin, all the way down before nosing Louis's crotch over his boxers.

Louis lets out a shaky breath, tangling hands in Harry's hair again and just watches the boy do this thing. Harry takes a second before pulling down the boxers, Louis's erection springing out and he doesn't waste another minute before getting his mouth on it. The second he does, Louis moans out loud and throws his head back, closing his eyes shut and tightening his grip in Harry's hair just for it to sting. But he welcomes that pain from his scalp, it goes straight down to his groin. 

Harry starts with kitten licks at the head, admiring how big and thick he is before taking him all the way in. He knows what he's doing, has had experience and though it's been a long time since he's done this -- he hasn't forgotten. Harry knows exactly how fond Louis used to be of how Harry's hands work, how his mouth can get Louis gasping and writhing for more. Louis is so big and full and as it hits the back of Harry's mouth, he takes a deep breath from his nose and takes him deeper.

"Oh fuck, Harry, fuck," Louis moans louder.

Harry hums, taking it as a compliment that he's doing something right before running his tongue down the underside of Louis's cock, glancing up to see Louis's mouth fall open wider -- if it was even possibly. He likes what he can make Louis feel, wants to please him more, make him react louder, moan louder. This is what he likes, pleasing Louis and making him feel good even if the fucker doesn’t deserve. Taking all the frustration and pain, he starts sucking even more, releasing all those emotions building up inside. 

After working for a while longer, sucking and licking, Louis stops him and grabs a tighter hold of his hair before fucking his throat properly. Harry goes completely still as he feels Louis thrusting in and out, working up his gag reflex but he pushes it down and takes a shaky breath from his nose each time to relax.

"Look at me," Louis manages to sputter out, not pausing the rough thrusting in Harry's mouth.

He glances up at Louis through his thick eyelashes, tears brimming at his eyes and stares at the boy above him with his green eyes. He likes seeing Louis like this, red and flushed, taking complete control and using Harry however he likes despite how fucked up the situation is. He is stupid, he just needs to feel and needs some sort of closure. Is this their idea of closure? It might as well be, it'll feel good.

"Beautiful, beautiful boy," Louis exhales sharply as his breath quickens and Harry knows his close to coming before he withdraws his cock completely and takes a deep breath. Harry moans a little at the loss of something in his mouth, still on his knees, looking up at him. Louis looks at him with such affection, so much love, pulling Harry up by his hair and kissing Harry roughly on the lips again. 

"To the bedroom," Louis whispers against his lips, "want to fuck you so when you walk tomorrow, you'll remember where I was and what we were doing exactly."

As much as Harry wanted to protest that this isn't fair, he's not allowed to do this -- it's not like he's the one getting married tomorrow. It should be the other way around. Instead, he openly lets out a moan into Louis's mouth at the mere thought of being fucked by Louis and just nods eagerly, wanting him inside him so badly that he can't focus on anything else. It’s been so fucking long. So fucking long since they have had sex, made love, fucked roughly like nothing else mattered in the whole entire world. 

Louis guides the way up the stairs, grabbing a tight hold of Harry's hand, intertwining the fingers and practically dragging him up before finding the right bedroom and throwing him onto the bed, switching on the lights. Harry adjusts to the lights, staring around the familiar surroundings to find that he is sitting in the room where they first had sex.

"Sentimental, isn't it?" Harry scoffs but before he can say anything else, Louis jumps on the bed and starts working on getting Harry's clothes off. First he peels off the shirt, chucking it on the side of the bed and starts to take off Harry's jeans, muttering something about how tight it is -- ironically and then throwing them off too before taking his own shirt off too. Now Louis is naked, Harry in his boxers as they stare each other with lust in their eyes. They look at each other naked, just for a few seconds, admiring each other’s heavenly bodies. 

"Hopeless romantic, I am," Louis says simply, setting up the pillow behind his back for support before tapping his chest for Harry to straddle but not taking his eyes off him. 

Oh.

Not giving it much thought and pushing away memories of their first time, how eager Harry had been and despite it hurting, how slow and tender Louis was. He tried to make it memorable for Harry, lighting up candles and throwing rose petals around the bed to fit up to his standards.

Now, it's empty, bare and cold and there's nothing else despite lust running through Louis's eyes.

Despite it all, Harry climbs on top, straddling Louis's waist and running his hands down his chest, over his nipples and returning to kissing him like his whole life depends on it. Louis starts to kiss Harry's chest all over, giving extra care to his tender nipples, sucking and pulling it harshly between his teeth as Harry gasps in surprise, grabbing Louis's hands as they intertwine fingers again.

"Remember every single part of you," Louis says as he takes the other nipple into his mouth, repeating the same actions and sighing. "I remember how giving your nipples gets you hard, how each little tug at your hair gets you gasping and desperate for more, how you love this position, how you love facing me and love holding my hand as I fuck into you. Do you remember?"

"Of course I do, you fucker, if it's my preferences in bed," Harry rolls his eyes, trying to act unimpressed but really. He’s surprised that Louis even remembers this much. After all, they used to have sex… quite a lot. 

Louis doesn't say anything, just tugs his boxers off and delivers one sharp slap to his ass, watching it jiggle in amazement. "Love your little ass." Is all he manages to say before slapping it harder again as Harry falls against Louis's chest. "Like me spanking you, don't you?"

Harry doesn't want to talk, just wants to feel so he starts rolling his hips over Louis to get some friction on his cock that hasn't been touched yet, hard and neglected but Louis just slaps him again (causing Harry to moan) before holding his hips still.

"Don't move," he instructs. He brings out lube from his jeans pocket, obviously has it all planned as he tilts Harry up a little, getting a better access of Harry's bum before touching his hole ever so softly with his fingers.

Harry tenses up, not having had this attention in so long and not had someone wanting him in such a way after years. He misses it but he is glad he didn't waste these moments with strangers, meaningless shags and waited for Louis -- only to know it won't survive, it's a one off thing and it might become meaningless tomorrow.

Louis pauses, pulling his fingers away and cupping his cheeks with both hands, staring straight into Harry's eyes. "Babe, if you don't... if you don't, just go now." He says lowly. There’s so much concern lacing through his tone, his eyes dark and worried.

Harry doesn't even need to consider this, shaking his head and leaning down to kiss Louis for the go ahead. He can’t bring to form coherent words and phrases right now.

"Fuck, fuck, okay." Louis whispers, picking up the lube and drizzling a generous amount before touching Harry's hole again, rubbing it up and down before slowly, ever so slowly, inserting one finger in. "Fuck," he repeats. “Fuck, this feels… fuck.”

Harry is hot, flushed against Louis's chest, his head hanging over Louis's shoulder in order to feel closer as he silently wishes this moment can last forever. He tries to relax at the unfamiliar intrusion after so long and Louis gives him time to adjust, moving the finger slowly inside him.

"You're so tight, fuck, H," Louis keeps talking, muttering half incoherent and incomplete sentences. He works the finger for a while, pushing in and out, adding more lube to help it glide in more easily. He provides the right amount of affection and care, being gentle since it’s been so long and taking his time. Until Harry gets impatient, now used to the feeling of the finger and starts fucking back quicker, wants it faster. 

 

"I'm going to add a second," he adds when he notices Harry’s impatience, asking for permission again. Harry simply bites his shoulders for the go ahead and Louis takes it happily, inserting two fingers in and now starts moving it inside him, fucking him slowly. As Harry starts getting used to it, he starts fucking back on the fingers and moaning, biting Louis's shoulders repeatedly.

"Let out those pretty whimpers." Louis says instead though, moving the fingers faster inside of him, like he's desperate to go deeper, feel more. "Don't hold it back."

Just like that, Harry lifts his head and looks straight ahead, releasing soft whimpers whenever the fingers goes deeper until it hits that spot that has him moaning, groaning out loud. 

"You like that, don't you, huh?" Louis carries on, twisting his fingers to reach that sweet spot again that gives Harry blindly pleasure and has him writhing, letting out sounds that are pornographic. "You're beautiful, you're perfect, you're everything."

Louis takes his fingers out after a while when he thinks it’s the right amount of preparation (Harry moans a little at the loss but anticipates the next move, completely alert) as he pulls out a condom and starts rolling it on his cock. Harry watches with some sort of fasincation, watching how thick and hard Louis’s cock is and his eyes glimmering with want.

 

“Please, please, want.. now,” Harry mutters out, the words blurring into each other and not making sense as he clutches onto Louis for dear life. He needs him so much, wants him. “Please. Now.”

Pouring a little more lube on the cock, Louis gives it a few tugs before lining up with Harry's hole and holding him still. Harry's breath is in his throat, has waited for the longest time for this exact moment and he isn't even thinking straight right now -- just wants Louis and wants him inside him, wants Louis to fuck him until he can't see straight and wants to feel him for days after.

"Still," Louis warns before he starts pushing in, pausing and sinking it slowly. Harry can't help but release a moan, throwing his head back and adjusting to the size, nothing compared to the fingers and letting it sink in completely. When Louis is finally balls deep, he stays there for a few second and Harry can't take it anymore and starts to move. 

He fucks himself on Louis's cock, moving up and down and feeling it go deeper everytime, impaling him and it feels fucking amazing. He hasn't felt his alive for the longest time, this needy and begging for something like this. Harry hasn't realised how much he has missed this, only realising what he has needed and wanted until he has had a chance to experience it again. Though it burns, he takes it with the pleasure and keeps letting out little whimpers, working himself on Louis.

Louis pulls Harry away from his chest, staring at him deeply like he is deeply moved by the actions before crashing his lips against Harry's. "Perfect," is the only thing he lets out, strangled as he leans back and watches Harry fuck himself, eyes wide and his cheeks red, his hands constantly moving over Harry's small ass, needing to feel him. "Perfect, yeah, fuck yourself on my cock like you need it, that's right."

Harry is always easily affected by words, moans louder and starts to move faster, dropping down on Louis's cock as it goes deeper. Until Louis stops him completely, holds his hips tighter and positions himself so he can start fucking into Harry. He starts slow, pulling himself out completely all the way before slamming all the way in, letting Harry feel every inch before he starts moving roughly, quicker, sharply and clumsily trying to slap Harry's ass at the same time though it's difficult whilst trying to hold him up.

Harry, however, just pants louder, sweat rolling off his forehead from the pleasure and the pressure as he just takes it. 

"I missed this, missed you," Louis repeats himself for what feels like the thousandth time today, kissing Harry's lips again but only briefly as he continues to fuck him quickly and roughly, gripping Harry so tightly that he is sure there will be bruises there. And quickly starts sucking at his neck again too, wanting to see those fucking purple bruises tomorrow.

The thought of tomorrow has Louis's heart hammering away against his chest, unsure what's to follow next and what this will mean but he doesn't even care right now. He pushes it away, savouring the moment he has right now.

"Close, I'm close," Louis says simply, panting and barely able to form the words as he fucks him with the last of energy he has left, the last few deep thrusts he can manage.

Harry nods repeatedly like it's the only action he can remember, practically floating with all the pleasure and how amazing Louis feels and how much he has needed this before Louis completely withdraws, throwing the condom off. Before Harry can even string words together to complain about the loss, Louis repositions Harry so he is below him, Louis now straddling Harry as he grabs his cock and starts jerking it off with his at the same time and being touched after all that time feels fucking amazing. It feels out of this fucking world, his cock getting friction against Louis’s as he just lies there helplessly and lets the feeling overtake his mind and body. 

"Fuck, fuck," Harry pants, closing his eyes as Louis works, his wrist flicking fastly as he tries to jerk both of them off, trying to get them off together. Harry is close too, he can feel it coming on and he has no idea how he has lasted this long anyway because for a long time, all he has had is lonely wanks by himself and now, he has just been fucked by Louis, the only single person who can have this effect on him and it means more than anything.

"Come for me baby, come on," Louis instructs, his voice urgent and a few octaves higher as his breaths get shorter and quicker, giving it a few more tugs before he goes still and starts shooting out white liquid all over Harry, all over his chest and his butterfly tattoo. Harry watches, mesmerized before he feels his own orgasm building. Louis has no more energy to speak now, mouth just hanging open as he attempts to come down from his high but continues stroking Harry to his.

Not long after, Harry comes too all over his stomach until there is two loads of come all over himself. He stares at it, eyes blown open as he throws his head back from the aftermath of a sticky, rough make out session with a boy he has been pining off.

To top it all off, unexpectedly, Louis starts lapping at the come like a dog hungry for his water, his tongue licking up the obscene amount of come and Harry can't even breathe, just watching with hungry eyes and then grabs Louis's face, bringing him up and kissing him softly, tenderly and taking his time with it now. There is taste of come in Louis’s mouth that he welcomes, licking into his mouth and trying to feel him, breathe him. The desperation has died down now, the neediness and he just wants to kiss Louis like he has all the time in the world and like they can do this as many times as they want.

Louis kisses back for a few seconds before climbing off him, off the bed and grabs at a flannel that has been abandoned in the room -- probably Charlie's before he climbs back up and starts cleaning Harry properly without a word.

"I-" Harry begins, trying to make something of what has just happened, the spur of the moment. He couldn't control his desires, let it get the best of him and now they just fucked and tomorrow Louis is getting married. It's all moving a bit too fast.

Louis shakes his head though, shutting him up and continues to wipes him down. "Don't say anything, please."

"But we need to. Tomorrow you'r-"

"Shut the fuck up," Louis says harshly, once content with the clean stomach, throwing the towel to the side and laying next to Harry's side. He pulls the covers over them two, pulling Harry into his chest and sighing deeply as his nose nuzzles into Harry's hair. It smells lovely, of strawberries and so very Harry. He inhales Harry's scent, smells of bits of the husky perfume he's wearing and sex as he sighs again. "Just shut up and let us both soak up this lovely moment."

For once, Harry agrees, lets himself be spooned as he tries not to think about anything. He loves being held after sex, feeling comforted and makes it worthwhile as he snuggles back to Louis and wraps his hands around Louis's, somewhat content in a fucked up way. No matter what, this is where he belongs and he doesn't want it to disappear so quickly.

He doesn't remember when he fell asleep, he just did, but Harry wakes up alone a few hours alone. The covers wrapped around him, the clock indicating clearly it's nearly 5pm and he can feel the bed empty. Harry doesn't need to turn around to see Louis gone to prove it, he just knows by the absence of cuddling. 

Then for the second time, he starts crying. Full on sobbing, dry heaving, ugly crying with tears and snot as he wraps his own arms around himself to stop the uncontrollable shaking and the pain that overtakes him and doesn't allow him to think of anything else.

Fuck Louis.

**

"You seem like you're in your own world," Gemma comments, observing him closely with a slight frown and eyebrows twitched together as she sips on her cold lemonade.

Harry shrugs, pulling forward his plate of food: a chicken burger with cheesy fries. Brilliant, greasy food to decrease his mood levels but it's comfort food so all for the better. He smiles, picking up one chip and chewing.

"I think I am." Harry laughs.

They are both sitting in one of the restaurants in town, one of their favourite since they were young and still runs today. Though the interior has changed significantly and the workers are different now, the food served still tastes the same heavenly food Harry used to worship back when he had just hit his teen years. It's nice to finally have some quiet time with Gemma, out of the house and somewhere he can forget everything and stuff himself with food. He deserves a little comfort today, though it's through food, too afraid to talk out loud.

Gemma throws her head back slightly, trying to look at him with a better angle as she sighs. "Today's the wedding," she states the obvious.

Harry nods, rolling his eyes. This is why he came here, didn't he? To avoid such conversation, to not discuss the single one thing he tries running away but it feels like his family is obsessed to know more about it. "Yeah." He says coldly.

"How you feeling?" She carries on, not catching on his tone of voice.

"Feel as good as new."

Gemma frowns, not the slightest bit convinced. "Why you lying to me? It's clear from your face you aren't feeling your best."

"Well, clearly," Harry says in a way that is hostile and rather rude, sarcasm dripping from his voice but really, he doesn't want to be like this. But he can't help it, built up on frustration and his heart is still aching from the events of yesterday when he realised he made another mistake he will carry around for the rest of his life. Well, he tries to convince himself it’s a mistake but it felt so right. He has never felt so comforted by Louis in that moment and he wishes for that moment back but he knows he won’t get it now. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Gemma asks instead, not the slightest fazed, just smiling as she sips mindlessly at her drink.

Maybe he should. Maybe it'll help deal with all the weight on his shoulder since he always bottles it up, finds it miraculously easier that way. But everyone has a breaking point and Harry is slowly approaching his, after being pulled and used to his disadvantage and all the hurt increasing. His mind doesn't give him a rest, spinning and running with thoughts constantly as his heart feels heavy in his chest.

Plus, he hasn't opened up to Gemma the way she wanted him too.

He sighs, putting down one the chips he was about to eat and smiles sadly. "I... Uh.. I was with Louis yesterday." He admits.

Gemma nods, not the slightest bit surprised as she stirs her straw in her drink. "Hmm, and what happened?"

Oh, so she knows that much. Nice. Making each step easier.

"Louis still likes me, I think? I guess?" Harry says with frustration because he isn't clear of his feelings, how Louis really feels and it hurts his head trying to figure it out.

One second he is demanding Harry to get out of his life and that he is content with Josh, can't wait to move out of here to New York with buckets of money and support behind him. He seems like he really is in love with Josh, can't see anyone else besides him. But the other second he spends is convincing Harry that he is still hopelessly in love with him, that old childhood memories haven't been forgotten and he misses the way Harry feels, how his body works for him. Harry just wishes there was an easy way out to figure it all out, can have it written down in black and white so he can learn whether it's best to move back and let fate take place or chase after Louis.

Probably let fate take place since he has been let down quite a few times, repeatedly, in just a week and there's practically no point now.

"What makes you think that?" Gemma seems curious now, unconvinced, since she has probably seen all the love and affection between Louis and Josh whilst he was miles away, a different country away from them.

Can he trust Gemma to the extent of confessing that Louis cheated on Josh yesterday for him? Is that too far? Is it supposed to be private, a little mistake they made that will be covered up and forgotten, or forced to be forgotten. Because it's just easier that way.

"He made it a little obvious?" Harry's voice is also dripping with uncertainty, clear how confused he is himself. He just doesn’t want the mistake to be brought to the surface, to be told to Gemma. He can’t bare another one of her lectures. It’s better this way.

Gemma sighs, doesn't ask anymore questions -- his actions and broken phrases and words say it all. She reaches over with both hands, letting it rest on top with a sympathetic smile. "Harry, you need to let it go. If he really liked you, and proved that in this week, he wouldn't be going ahead with that wedding, you know?"

Harry feels bitter at those words though it's all true, doesn't want to hear it or accept it. So he snaps his hands back, folding them on his lap and carefully avoids the flash of hurt that come across Gemma's eyes who returns to her lemonade.

"I know," he insists a second later. He tries to sound desperate, tries to let his tone of voice prove to Gemma that he is fully aware. He doesn’t want to appear vulnerable, no matter how much he is. 

"You do? Then why did we have to waste time, sitting here for you to open up just this much, even if you knew?"

"Because I still have the slightest bit hope inside me.." Harry confesses, eyes on his food, ashamed to stare at Gemma and look at her with her wide, sorry eyes about how fucked up her brothers life "And that hope is fucking me over."

"You will go to the wedding, come home, get packed and get the fuck out of here." Gemma orders instead.

Harry raises an eyebrow. "You didn't want me to leave so early, you wanted me to stay around and get used to being around here."

She shakes her head. "No, I realise what this place is doing to you. It's taking over your mind, corrupting it, not causing anything -- no happiness. Since you've been back here, you have just had misery over and over."

Harry feels awful, doesn't want her sister thinking he doesn't enjoy visiting her and that it's a mistake to be here. It must feel like crap knowing that your brother spends his life avoiding the one place where you live. But, he can't help it because everything she has said is all the truth. There’s practically nothing here for him except his wonderful, supportive and loving family.

"I'm sorry Gems," he sighs, bowing his head. "I wasn't supposed to ruin this trip, I thought I was strong and I was genuinely so excited to meet you after so long since you didn't have the time or money to flight out to see me. I know how much this means to you."

Gemma shakes her head. "Yeah, it means a lot to me that you're here right now but I want you happy more, it matters to me more. London isn't a place that brings that anymore and after today, it probably never will."

Harry glances at the time. It's 10am and they should probably get home and start getting ready, for probably the toughest day of his life. Watching the love of his life getting wedded off to someone else. At least Harry is sure that Louis will never struggle with the money aspect of life. At least he knows that Louis will always be in good hands, always be with someone who can look after him and provide him economic support as well as everything else in between. For as long as Harry remembers, Louis has wanted to get married -- and it’s happening now. So he just needs to put on a brave face, find the positives within the situation and get this hell of a day over with. 

"Let's go," he says instead with a weak smile, no other words he can say right now as he finishes off the last of his burger and throws a few coins for tip before they exit the restaurant.

At least after all this, Harry will be on a plane to go back where he deserves. To what he deserves. Loneliness and empty nights.

**

The venue is beautiful, to say the least -- and beats every expectation Harry had. It's elegant, screams money and luxury and all the guests have starting to come in now. It's still quite early, Gemma and Harry decided to come by and give a hand to Johannah who's probably stressing out now. It's set in the countryside, in the grass, the whole place is filtered with white bouquets and the close family are all matching. Harry has never felt more out of place.

He glances down at his own suit, black suit and tie -- classy and casual. Whereas everyone is dressed in expensive silks, bow ties, hair gelled back and looking crisp and clean, worth million pound each.

Harry is just another ordinary working class boy who ran from his responsibilities and is now spending all his life paying for it. He doesn't deserve to be here, he feels cheap and disgusting, attempting to blend in with these people. And he feels rather stupid by turning up early to help when everything is practically ready, set to go.

"Jesus," Gemma mutters under her breath, taking a whole 360 degree look around the place before she nervously twists her finger together. "Feel stupid for wearing this." She feebly gestures to her dress. Her dress is original and beautiful, long and completely black with some sequins throughout and lace hem. 

"You look stunning to me, doesn't matter what anyone else says," Harry says, though he is distracted and glancing around the place, not looking at Gemma properly.

She notices because she reaches out, touching him lightly on the shoulder. "Calm down H, you're fine."

"Harry! And Gemma! What a lovely surprise!" Johannah appears out of nowhere, one of Louis's sisters trailing behind in her elegant, small lace dress that has flowers details at the hem: it's Phoebe who smiles at Harry and does a little shake of her head to welcome him. Harry returns it before looking up at Louis's mother and giving one of his most sincere smile, nodding and pulling her into a warming hug.

"You look lovely," Harry says earnestly. He has always been fond of Louis’s mother and her warm smiles and hugs, her amazing baking. Though it’ll never beat Anne’s. 

Johannah is dressed in the finest fabrics, her dress looking like it's been crafted from the best designers around. It matches her daughters, white lace dress with flower designs and it flows so elegantly, right to the bottom with a little trail. She looks like an absolute queen in it and she has the right amount of confidence radiating from her to make her look like stunning. She looks good and she knows it too. 

"Oh shush, look at yourself in that perfect suit!" She laughs with a smile before she looks to Gemma and pulls her into a hug too. "My dear, your dress is beautiful!"

Gemma just blushes, always loves getting compliments because it boosts her self esteem. "Johannah, not nearly as much as you. You must be very happy today!"

Johannah nods. "Oh yes, I definitely am. Sort of buzzing, to be honest. My sons finally getting married and it's the best feeling!"

Harry gulps, pushing down the thickness in his throat because the day is finally here and it's only a few hours that he has to endure. He can definitely handle the calm before the storm, just chatting with the mother.

"Must be," Gemma fills in when Harry doesn't supply any input with the conversation, nervously fiddling with his fingers in need of a distraction. This has just become really awkward, real quick. 

Johannah smiles slightly, looking uncomfortable as she intertwines her fingers with Phoebe (who gives a light groan and a mumble about how she's old enough now to not need to hold her mothers hand) before she nods at them again. "Well, thank you for showing up early!"

"We just wanted to see if you needed any help?" Gemma asks.

But she simply gasps, shaking her head. "No way! You're guests and you should treat yourself like so. Plus, most is done anyway. So, make yourself at home -- don't sit so far back like you did at the rehearsal! See you around!" And with that, she tugs Phoebe lightly and they both walk off in another direction to greet other family and friends.

Harry lets out a breath he didn't realise he was holding, trying to relax and not let himself feel so tense.

Gemma notices, smiling. "Do you want me to get you a drink?"

Harry nods instantly. "Going to need it."

She nods, sympathetically, before walking off in the opposite direction to find where the refreshments are.

Harry decides he needs a quick toilet break, to straighten out his hair and get his nerves together before the big storm. He runs his hands down his suit once, deciding he will text Gemma if she comes back and finds him missing before walking off. He has no idea how to find his way around here, it's huge and this isn't even the reception but it doesn't matter. Josh can afford this and all.

It feels like Josh wants to rub this all in Harry's unfortunate life but at the same time, does a rich man have time to spare someone like him a thought? Josh is probably drunk on love, going to be a husband after today and he isn't caring about Harry in the slightest. Josh is the real winner here. 

After looking around for a while, Harry finally stumbles across a building which seems to be where the families are getting ready but also where the toilets are so he hurries in, following the signs to reach his destination.

When he bumps right into Louis.

Surprised, Harry takes a step back and runs a hand through his mess of chocolate mousse curls, feeling stupid for not using a hat or headband to tame the craziness and observes Louis. Because damn, he looks fine and perfect in that suit, well booted and done up, hair in a quiff, clean shaven and he looks just as expensive as his mother and the venue.

Harry sucks in a breath, smiling. He has to be civil, he has to act normal. "You look good, Louis," he compliments. It's one of the last things he'll be saying after all. He’s being honest too, the boy really does look good and it’s making Harry have heart palpitations but he needs to ignore himself right now and be a good friend. 

But instead of getting a reply, he gets a grab at his arm and gets shoved into the toilets. Harry doesn't understand what's going on, can't comprehend it and he should be furious right now. After the sex, getting left alone in a house without comfort and now, being dragged into a toilet -- Harry should let go and go, let fate take place. 

Instead, he follows inside like he doesn't have control over his own limbs. Louis makes him weak.

Louis, on the other hand, looks wild and unsettled. His eyes are wide, red and it looks like he's been crying for a while as he can't stop moving his hands, nervous and anxious. He keeps taking deep breaths, attempting to get it in order but can't and for a second, Harry thought he's going to hyperventilate.

So, like a good friend, he provides advice. "Louis, you don't need to be nervous man. It's your wedding, this is a great day! I know you're probably anxious but it'll be fine."

Louis snaps out of his trance, directly looking at Harry but not saying a word, not giving anything away from his facial expression. He looks completely empty, bare -- his blue eyes that are usually as bright as the sea are currently empty, dark, nearly a green shade like Harry's own. His lips are pursed together, stiff, pressed in a thin line.

"What?" Harry asks, feeling nerves crawl up on his spine too, shivering. "Is something wrong? I'm not mad, you know." He lies. "Just, tell me what's wrong and I'll try and help but you know," he glances at his watch, "we should probably get going, it's nearly time-"

Before Harry can even finish the sentence, Louis reaches out and grabs his sleeve, creasing the perfectly ironed blazer and whispering. "You brought your car?"

Harry knits his eyebrows together, not sure where this is going but nods anyway. "Yeah, drove me and Gems here, why?"

"Keys?"

He taps his pocket, hearing the keys jingle. "Here."

"Come on," Louis mutters out, not releasing his grip and dragging them out of the toilet.

Harry shrinks, frozen, unsure what to make of this and every time he goes to move his mouth, he can't seem to make any sounds. What's going on?

"Where are you taking me?" He finally managed to spit out, frantically trying to slap away Louis's hold of steel as he feels himself be helplessly dragged out. "Louis, stop! Where are we going?"

"We're going to get in your car, drive away and never return," he announces.

Which changes everything because Harry doesn't know how to react. Should he be happy? Terrified? Fearless? Excited? What the fuck is going on? He's been preparing for this day to come, trying to form a wall between himself and the wedding to separate all feelings so he can sit through the ceremonies. Yet, here he is, being dragged out like a doll.

"Let the fuck go!" Harry yells now, feeling crazed and disgusted. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I want to go, I want you, I choose you, don't you get it?" Louis keeps talking, words blurring into each other, not turning around for a second and carries on walking down the never ending corridor.

"No!" Harry protests. "You got a whole wedding being prepared here, your fiancé and his family, your friends: Zayn, Liam and Niall are here too. Fuck, my family is too. You're not going to do this. You had so many chances and you-"

But his cut off with a simple kiss from Louis who easily slots his lips around Harry, breathless and desperate, smelling of mints and champagne. They kiss right out in the open, right before anyone who can see them but neither of them seem to care right now. 

"Shut up, you talk too much," Louis simply says when he pulls away. 

Harry reaches up to his lips, tracing them with his fingers and at a loss of words. "Where do you want to go?" He asks instead. Though his heart is hammering against his chest and he can feel it, can feel the anxiety washing over and he's about to lose his mind because he really didn't predict this. He can't even begin to imagine what the next hours are to come but he's more than excited to find out.

Louis leans into the touch, sighing and shutting his eyes as he whimpers out a weak. "Faraway."

Without another word, Harry takes Louis's hands into his and starts walking down the hallway and out of the building. They have to be careful and not get caught. After all, today isn't about them two and this shouldn't be happening -- but it is. And that has Harry's heart race accelerating with fear and the wanting to know what's next to come. Louis looks pale, his face not giving away any expressions or emotions as he lets himself be dragged through the winded corridors until they come into the car park.

"What car is it?" Louis asks.

Harry resists the urge to roll his eyes, pointing out his car right in the corner which is convenient. "Come on, don't talk shit like you've forgotten my car."

"I can't focus right now, shut up," he says but he quiets down as soon as Harry tugs on his arm, almost like a warning to keep his mouth shut, as they start walking towards it.

Harry unlocks the car doors, glancing around one more time to stay on the safe side that no one is staring before he gets in and starts up the engine. He blasts the heat when he realises that Louis is positively shaking, his shoulders and hand uncontrollably as he tries sitting on it before looking towards Harry.

"What?" Louis snaps.

Harry doesn't say a word though he wants to provide comfort, wants to hold his hands and tell him it's okay-- but is it okay? It doesn't feel okay. Instead, he turns his head away and twists his torso away from Louis, towards the front and starts pulling out of the car park. Guests are arriving from every angle, elaborate dresses and the finest suits turning up with done up hair and faces and Harry feels guilty knowing today, for all of them, it's going to be a disaster.

Because here he is, running away with the groom, it seems. He hopes anyway.

"Duck," Harry commands when he realises they'll most likely get caught if Louis sits there, on display.

Louis groans but obeys, unbuckling his seat belt and getting underneath the seat to hide himself successfully. It truly looks like Harry is completely alone as he starts driving towards the exit, taking one look around for good measures when he realises with a start. Gemma is staring.

Gemma is glaring.

She looks murderous, her phone tight under her hold and her eyes not wavering or moving from Harry who helplessly stares back. Right there, in the middle of the exit because he's been caught. This could all be called off now, right when Harry is so close to getting what he wants. And fuck, Gemma looks like she wants to kill him right now, those wide eyes full of resentment. 

Harry tries to give a pleading look on his face, pouting slightly and narrowing his eyes as Louis hisses for him to carry on driving.

"Gemma saw me.. us, I don't know," Harry speaks back, talking under his breath so it doesn't look suspicious that he's engaging conversation with someone.

When he looks back at Gemma, she's simply shaking her head and turning around, walking back into the wedding. She disappears into the crowd. 

Harry sighs in relief but there's a wave of guilt and remorse building inside of him because he is aware of how wrong this is. It isn't right, running away from the wedding like this with no thought of the consequences to follow. To think how heartbroken Josh will be, realising his boyfriend, fiance and to-be-husband has simply ran away with another guy who just returned to London a little than a week ago. It's humiliating, downgrading but it feels so fucking right to be in this car with Louis. Even if he's crouched under the seat, swearing and cursing and banging on the seat to follow up like an intolerable toddler, Harry knows this is where he belongs.

Harry's home is wherever Louis is.

"Is she gone then? What is she going to say?" Louis questions, more to himself, as he stares hard at the chair like it will magically move.

Harry sighs heavily again, exhaling and pinching his nose whilst with the other hand, he steers the wheels and drive out of the car park and out in the open. They are not in the safe just yet, there's plenty of guests on the road, entering the place as Harry zooms down.

Until 10 minutes later, they are far gone.

"You can sit up now," Harry says, leaning back on his chair and finally relaxing-- just slightly. It's still cautious and he can't get disappointed Gemma out of his mind. He can’t get that glare out of his mind, like she’s warning him and can’t believe what he’s doing. But he can’t focus on that right now, not when he has Louis in his car and they are both dressed up for a wedding. This is going to be a mistake… isn’t it? Just like the amazing, mind blowing sex yesterday.

"Finally, my back is fucking aching, you fucker," Louis complains, sitting back on the seat and stretching out in any sinful way possible. His blazer stretching over his tight muscles, his waist and his trousers smugly and tightly over his bum and his thick thighs.

Right. Harry can't think about this when he's trying to drive, for God's sake. He focuses on the road, narrowly avoiding to look over to where Louis sits and doesn't reply.

"Are you okay?" Louis cautiously asks.

Harry shrugs, feeling like it's the only thing he can really do right now. "I feel like this is going to end badly." He confesses.

"What is?"

"Why are we doing this? Returning back to the same story, with the same chapters and we all know the same ending." Harry says, rather talking in riddles more than anything as he doesn't dare to take his eyes of the long, never ending road before him. Without even realising, he's approached the motorway and is driving down a road that essentially leads to a completely different city than London.

Harry doesn't have the heart to turn the car around.

Louis narrows his eyes, pinching his eyebrows together. "I.. I thought you wanted this?" He sounds vulnerable, clutching at his blazer and straightening it out. 

They both look ridiculous in suits, on the run like teenagers.

"I do!" Harry corrects quickly, not wanting Louis to get the wrong idea. Of course he wants this, has wanted this for longer than he has ever imagined or dreamt of. He has wanted Louis all to himself, his smooth skin and baby soft lips all for him to kiss and touch as he wants. But somewhere alongside the road, he had to accept that Louis will never be his. Yet here they are. "I do," he repeats helplessly, the words slipping out and hanging between them, the atmosphere thick.

Louis looks like he's struggling with his words, opening his mouth to only shut it again and clutch at his hands. "I... I. Then what's the problem?"

"The problem is, Louis, we are practically running like children from your fucking wedding. We shouldn't be doing this!"

Louis looks offended, if anything, as he flinches and moves back. "I'm sorry, it took me long to realise what I want but I don't feel the amount of love and adoration for Josh... not the amount I feel for you," he chokes out.

Harry feels like his breath is being taken away, like he is flying with joy and pain at the same time. He feels like this is some kind of sick joke, where he'll wake up and realise it's actually the morning of the wedding and this was all a dream. He doesn't get lucky in life, good things don't come to him, things like this don't happen to him. He was doomed from the start, set up for failure and struggling to breathe, survive, live. He wasn't destined for greatness. So the mere fact that Harry is sitting here, besides the fucking love of his life and it's just them two -- and Louis has just admitted he loves Harry. It's too much to take, it's all overwhelming and a little hard to wrap his head around.

Because Louis loves Harry and Harry loves Louis.

"You took so long," Harry agrees like a child, his lips wobbling, refraining himself from crying.

Get it together, Harry thinks to himself.

Louis nods. "Yeah, I know and I'm so fucking sorry Harry. I really am. I want to talk to you about everything, talk all night, besides you and then I want to go with you.. anywhere you go."

The next stop is Los Angeles for Harry, is Louis willing to drop everything and come along?

Harry gulps. "Let's not talk now," he says reluctantly. "I don't want to talk now. Let's just drive, anywhere, far from here and then we'll find someplace and we'll sit... and we'll say everything."

Louis grins, like he's just won the lottery and he looks overly pleased with himself as he nods. "Whatever you want Harry." He says softly.

And together, they drive off into the unknown. 

**

Harry doesn't even know how long he's been driving off, the foot on the pedal and eyes set in the distance as he keeps rolling at a relatively normal speed. He doesn't dare glance at Louis, almost terrified to do so, not wanting to detect signs of guilt and regret in his eyes so he kept it fixed at the front. They are certainly out of London by now, been on the road for nearly 4 hours, and starting to enter Manchester area, coming to Leeds. Leeds where Louis and Harry went for their festival, where new memories were formed, where they had sex in the tent during the middle of the night because they couldn't handle their sexual desires for each other. 

They stopped once after a few hours to refill the gas tank, to grab some food but they ate it in the car. Louis delicately nibbling away at his burger from Burger King, careful not to get crumbs in the car and Harry eating whilst driving, one chip by one.

"I can feed you?" Louis had offered, noticing Harry's struggle with one hand on the wheel and the other attempting to quieten his growling stomach.

Harry just shock his head. "Thanks Lou but I'm alright."

And just like that, they continued to drive in neverending silence. They didn't say much, if anything at all. Louis was probably lost in his own thoughts, running through the events of today and how he was certain to be with Josh by tonight but now, he was on the run with Harry. And well Harry, he didn't know what to say. He didn't have much to say. He was in shock, for the most part. He hadn't expected to finally be able to feel this free, this much sense of liberation but in such a trapped, tight situation.

Because sooner or later, they had to return home. Harry had to return to Los Angeles since his flight was tomorrow from Heathrow airport, he had to go back from the hole he crawled out from and Louis had his flight to New York all set up with Josh.

"What's going to happen?" Harry manages to whimper out, not exactly wanting to voice his concerns out loud but it seems like he has no censor over his mouth nowadays. He exhales sharply, not realising just how weak he sounds.

Louis glances over, looking a little worried. His shoes and socks are off, propped up on the car windscreen and looking completely carefree. Maybe he's just an expert at hiding his feelings after doing so for nearly four years and just fails to give anything away now. "What do you mean?" He asks absentmindedly.

Harry takes a turn off the motorway, entering the quaint and quiet city of Sheffield. It's around 8pm, the traffic is horrendous ahead on the road and he wants to stop somewhere in this little city, maybe grab some food. He also has to make a turn back to London and get packed for his flight tomorrow. He can't miss it, he can't stay here and he knows he has to make decision between going away or staying with Louis.

"Where are you going?" Louis sounds alarmed, putting his feet down. His still dressed in his wedding suit, the tie now torn off and thrown in the backseat and his buttons open all the way to his stomach. It was evident from his abs he's been working out, probably to impress Josh and look good for the wedding. "Get back on the road."

Harry ignores him, his eyes glaring at the road like it's the enemy before taking a harsh turn into the first neighbourhood roads and driving right down, somewhere quiet.

"Get back on the road!" Louis demands.

"We need to talk, right now!" Harry argues back, parking outside one of the houses with all the lights off and cutting off the engine. He twists his torso to face Louis better, to get a clear view of him after the whole day and sighing. Crossing his arms, he keeps his stare firm and tries to keep a straight face because this is serious. They've practically ran away from Louis's home, from his own wedding with no destination, no money, no spare clothes. Just them two. 

"I don't want to talk right now," Louis slumps back in his seat, pouting like a toddler and crossing his arms too, letting his guard up.

Harry tries not to groan in frustration, always having to deal with the difficult side of Louis. "This isn't fair to me, you know? You keep me running around in circles with no sign of where we're going, what we're doing. I need to know, I need to be clear, I need to judge this situation."

Louis stills immediately, not saying a word and assessing all the words quietly in his mind. He scowls a little, eyebrows pulled together and his eyes small and cross. "I know I'm not being fair to you." He finally lets out in a little hushed tone.

"Exactly, so explain what we're doing right now."

Instead, Louis gets out his phone - which is bombarded with messages judging by the lockscreen - but he looks right past it and instead gets out of his maps. He shows Harry a place nearby, a beach and he sighs. "Let's go there, somewhere decent so we can discuss this. I'm not having this talk in the car."

Harry doesn't say anything, just nods silently and starts driving off to the beach.

**

The beach is exceptionally quiet and cold at 9pm. There's no one in sight, stretches out for miles with no sign of anyone and it's dark. The only source of light is coming directly above them, the moon shining and reflecting off the beautiful sea water to provide warmness around the whole beach. The amusement rides are shut, the restaurants nearby on the beach are closed too and it's just completely serene and silent. Peaceful.

Harry takes this happily, needs this sort of quiet to sort out his feelings and flops onto the sand, stretching all his limbs out. Driving for so long is a struggle with his long legs and the need to rest is constant so he takes this as a gift and sighs in content. He could stay here for as long as he pleases and wouldn't feel weird, he loves the beach and always has. It's even more beautiful at the evening time when it's no one around but just him, his thoughts... and Louis.

Louis is standing up, arms still crossed and staring out in the sea with no facial expressions on his face. He looks lost, a little small and Harry feels a sudden urge to cuddle him up and hug him and whisper beautiful words in his ear. But he has to stand his ground. He still doesn't know where he stands, where they stand and whether this even means anything. For all Harry knows, he may be boarding that plane completely alone tomorrow and that thought gives a straight ping to his chest that he tries his best to ignore and keep looking at Louis.

Because well, Louis is beautiful. With the wind blowing, his hair is pushed to one direction and his perfectly gelled up quiff is now flat and falling back into a fringe on his face. He somehow managed to get out of his blazer and is wearing his grey hoodie, must've been carrying it with him, and his shoes are off, on the side. He looks young, troubled and there is some sort of pain behind his eyes that look so tired, so swollen and small. He needs a good night sleep, he does.

"Come here," Harry chokes out, patting the space besides him on the sand, letting the grains of the sand sink through his fingers. "Sit down love."

Louis looks over at the mention of the petname, smiling fondly before making his way and laying down awkwardly down besides him. He flinches away from Harry slightly, keeping a safe distance and just laying still.

They lay like this for a while, in the freezing cold, glancing at the sea water that's hitting against the shore continuously before Louis finally lets out. "I'm sorry." 

Those words, just two words, so little yet so heavy in meaning. His voice is heavy, full of remorse and he sounds rough like he's not even aware he just said that and rather is letting his mind speak for the most part. He rubs at his eyes wearily, inhaling and exhaling before letting his arms go lax by his sides.

"You are?" Harry prods at the conversation, wanting them to launch into the what they need to discuss so it's out of the way. So he knows what to do next.

"I don't want you to leave tomorrow, I want you to stay."

Harry sighs. "You know I can't do that Louis. I can't give up everything like that for something that might not even last. I mean, you were supposed to get married today!"

Louis nods. "I understand. I can't force you to do anything you can't. I feel like shit, I have all day and all yesterday and I can't shake off this feeling of you hate me now." He lets out, blurting all the words out and pouting.

"I don't hate you," Harry answers sincerely.

Now, Louis turns on him and glares with some sort of hatred and misunderstanding in his misty eyes before scowling and snapping. "But why don't you? I'm a horrible, fucking shitty person who has pulled you along like a toy throughout all these years and yet, here you are. Why are you here? What are you doing?"

"I-I," Harry pauses, unsure of the answer himself because it's not clear to him either. He has no clue what the fuck he's doing here, laying besides the person he should hate but rather, can't feel anything but fondness and love. He looks so fucking cute in his grey jumper. "I don't know Louis. I want you, I don't care how and when, I just want you. The feelings never going to go away."

"The feeling never goes away," Louis complains miserably, sounding exhausted. "I have tried so hard to get over you, to push my love for you to one side but it's there, right? It's right there, it's so clear and it makes so much sense and yet it doesn't."

"Why can't we get over it?" Harry rejoices, agreeing with everything. Through everything he's been through, he has never been able to get Louis out of his mind.

"I don't know," Louis answers truthfully. "It's probably just... how passionate we are about each other. Though we don't show it anymore. The four years you've been away feels like decades but yet the four years we were together, as a couple, felt like seconds. The time I spend with you feels so short, I wanted it to last longer."

Harry whimpers slightly, the memories of their childhood and how they were together for so long. It was clear from the minute Harry had met the blue eyed boy from his year 1 class, he wanted to be friends with him. See, Louis was so smart, charming, he was the class joker from the beginning and he brought light to every situation. If anyone had a problem, they went to Louis and the boy tried everything to solve the situation. Louis had authority, from a young age, and he kept everyone on their toes and coming back for more. And Harry wanted a piece of that.

He got his own piece of heaven when he finally got with Louis, at the age of 14 and being in love with him since the age of 13. Louis was a little hesitant at first, afraid to open up and almost pushing him away but soon enough, he accepted Harry was his life. At the tender and young age of 14 where nothing is certain and everyone is naive, Louis had decided what he wanted from his life and no matter what he did, he wanted Harry besides him. He made that clear, he yelled it from rooftops but as time went on and on, he withdrew again. Harry was confused, their relationship was beautiful in every sense and everyone supported it - besides the few bullies here and there - and the fact that Louis was distant was bothering him but he never had the chance to bring it up. Not until Josh came into the picture.

The memories start blurring into Josh, the beautiful thoughts being erased at more bitter and painful ones. The whole struggle of trying to keep Louis to himself comes to mind and how increasingly difficult it became as Josh got more and more involved. Until it just ended, just like that. Louis dropped him one night, out of nowhere, and it hit Harry like a shit ton of bricks. That boy ruined everything, Louis who went along with it and let Josh do this, leaving Harry in a rut. 

"Why did you let me go?" Harry asks, his voice betraying him and cracking slightly. His eyes start gathering moisture but he doesn't dare cry, wiping his eyes furiously and keeping a straight face.

Louis stares helplessly, observing all of Harry's features and not wavering from his broken look. He looks more guilty now, playing with his fingers. "I never wanted you hurt you Harry, you know that, don't you?"

"But you did."

"Yes, I did." Louis agrees in a heartbeat, with no doubt. He is completely aware of where he went wrong, what he did wrong and wasted time - didn't bother fixing that mistake. He has spent every second of the last four years regretting it but nowhere as much as Harry has. "I can't even begin to imagine what you went through."

Harry bits his tongue. He usually never voices the struggle he went through, finding it easier and better to keep it bottled up but right now, it feels like the right choice to just blurt it all out. "Yes, it was so fucking hard Louis!" He spits out, the anger and passion about Louis building up and angering his further. Fuck him, how dare he look so exceptionally good right now. "I had no place to go, I was practically homeless until I met people and make contacts and links. I worked my ass off to get a place, to find a place of my own but yet, I wasn't content."

Louis lets the words soak in, nodding somberly. "You... I... Harry," he attempts weakly, "you know I've always had problems with abandonment. This isn't an excuse, fuck, I could never excuse myself of what I've put you through but everyone makes mistakes. Harry, I spent everyday of my life keeping you by my side from the age of 14. I was never good for anyone, not my pathetic excuse of father who left because he couldn't deal with me and not my stepfather who couldn't stand up to responsibility. I was an ordinary Doncaster boy who got lucky, who managed to come and live in London and I was cool. I kept all my feelings beneath the surface but you know how insecure I am, how I overlook every situation. I raised myself for the most part, my life consisted of bills we couldn't pay and sisters we couldn't feed. And goddamnit Harry, you were just there. My guardian angel, my everything in disguise and you were so bloody perfect for me. So perfect that I just couldn't accept you were for me? I never believed good things could happen to me, I was doomed and destined for shit all from life. But then you came, you came and gave it meaning and made everything better and it was overwhelming. We were never friends, we could never be, there was always something more, something special about you and you couldn't settle down for me. Harry, I wouldn't of let it happen but I wanted you so bad."

Harry listens, not saying a word, letting each word process through his mind and taking it all in. His throat feels thick with thoughts and memories, putting all the puzzles together about how Louis refused to take his kit off the first time around and his obsession with working out. Not to mention how seriously Louis took his part time job, never wanting to miss a day and even wanting to drop out of school to start full time work and provide for the family. It all seems to make sense but it still doesn't make it fair, doesn't make it right.

Harry shuts his eyes, hissing and not really wanting to hear anymore. He didn't want to hurt anymore, it was making his chest expand and feel heavy. His heart was hurting, his chest was pinging and everything just hurt.

But Louis just watches carefully and continues. "I wanted you but were you suitable for me? Was I suitable for you? I thought about this all day. I was bitter, cynical, heartbroken and people kept leaving me like I meant nothing. I was a mess from the start but you made me less messy. With you, I started to get better and I started believing in people, in relationships, in friendships. I genuinely thought my situation could get better, that one day I could be successful enough to support my family completely and because of this, I realised I didn't deserve you. It doesn't make sense, hell, it still doesn't but it did so much at the time. I deserved something less, I deserved to suffer, you didn't deserve to put up with me."

"So you chose Josh so I could get over you and find someone better? Someone more deserving? So you could live in pain because that's all you deserved?" Harry finishes, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at how cliche this all is before sighing and shaking his head. Since when was his life a movie? "This isn't fucking fair Louis. You didn't even tell me, you just got up and left."

"I know! I feel terrible, I feel so incredibly stupid for it. I didn't talk to you, communicate. The key in relationships. I locked my feelings away and thought this would provide comfort for the both of us."

"I never found comfort! I was miserable, I was lost and I was completely shattered. I broke ties off with everyone, I stopped meeting my family, I never talked to all my friends again and I moved miles and hours away. Just to get away from you. I spent everyday of my life alone, holidays alone, birthdays alone. Just so I could forget you."

Louis gulps, faced with the harsh truth. "You didn't return here for Christmas because of my birthday." He states, not really a question.

Because it's true. So Harry nods. 

He exhales sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I had no idea you would move so far away. I thought we'd go through an angsty period before I'd eventually let go of Josh and come back, begging for you. I always knew you would never leave me, you'd always be a part of me. But you left and it became so much serious, I needed me and Josh to work otherwise I'd be alone. It's fucking selfish, I know. I was mad at you leaving, I have no right to be. I just didn't want you to be so far, I wanted you to be close."

Harry closes his eyes for a few moments. "I didn't want to be close to you," he lets out firmly. "It would hurt too much, it was too raw of a wound to be around you and it would feel like you're rubbing salt on it. I had to move to Los Angeles." He pauses. "You know, I genuinely thought we'd get married."

"I thought so too." Louis says silently.

"I was crushed when I got that wedding invitation."

"I wanted you to return for some sort of closure. I thought seeing you would make it easier to marry Josh. I didn't expect us to jump into unresolved feelings."

"But we did."

"But we did," Louis repeats dumbly, sighing. 

It's silent for a few moments before Harry turns to face Louis better, noticing how he had left out a few tears and his chest is heaving up and down. He reaches over, wiping away the salty moisture without a second thought and attempting to plaster a smile on his face. It feels fake, it's hard to even keep on his face but... hell, he's beside Louis and that's enough.

"What do we do now?" He asks.

Louis sighs, shrugging. "I want you, that's all."

"Is it a good idea?"

His eyes widen, alarmed and nods furiously. "I know I've made mistakes, fuck, but I can't fucking live without you Harry. You mean everything to me. I want you besides me sleeping, I want to wake up to you in the mornings and I want to spend every single day of my life with you. I want to marry you, I want kids with you. I never fucking stopped loving you and I never will. It was always supposed to be me and you, yeah?"

Harry nods. "Yeah, yeah, totally." And though he already knows all this, just hearing it makes his chest expand and he feels lighter. He feels invincible, like he doesn't need anything else but this beautiful boy besides him. "But it's not that easy."

"I'll do anything. I just want you."

Harry considers this for a second, weighing the limited options they have. He knows there's no chance they can stay here. Not with Josh around, the powerful millionaire who will make it his duty to ruin their lives, and the flight is at the back of his mind. Without thinking, he reaches out for Louis's cold fingers and intertwining it with his. "I want us to try."

"I do too," Louis whispers, voice cracking and an octave higher from something like relief. "Fuck, I want you so so fucking bad. Please."

"Shush," Harry says softly, squeezing his fingers and staring lovingly into his blue eyes. "Here's what you have to do. We get back in the car, drive straight back to London, pack our bags. We drive to Josh, you tell him everything-" Louis whimpers at that, looking afraid but Harry remains firm. If Louis wants him back, he needs to do this and make it right. "Tell him everything, okay? Tell him you're leaving with me, tell him the truth and I'll book you a ticket on my flight. My flight leaves 7pm tomorrow. Come Los Angeles with me."

Louis stares, confused and unsure what to do. His faced with such a hard decision, to practically drop his whole life here and come out to an unknown, unfamiliar place. Somewhere he has no idea who's who, no job and rely entirely on Harry. The thought makes him uneasy, with all his childhood experiences, but he needs to try. He needs to try for Harry, to make things right, back to how they were before. It means that much.

"Am I supposed to drop my mother and sister and just follow?" He doesn't say with distaste. Instead his voice is full of mild curiosity. Judging by the look on his face, he looks bloody terrified yet intrigued. 

Harry's face softens. He could never be the one to break apart Louis’s family, especially since he’s aware of how much they mean to the blue eyed boy. "No, of course not Lou. It's not a permanent leave. Just a few months, a year? Until we get our relationship to where we're comfortable, discuss the ins and outs of what we're comfortable with, spend pure quality time with each other. You can get to know my new friends, my passions and my jobs and you can discover yourself there too. Then we'll come here, we can visit before too, and we can settle back here... if that's what you want?"

Louis squeezes his eyes shut, exhaling but he wants Harry. He doesn't care where he is as long as he is with Harry, he will feel at home and safe. He knows the boy will never lead him astray, no matter how much Louis has hurt him and that admiration keeps him going. The amount of love Harry keeps showering on him, constantly showing him -- it means so much.

Louis squeezes back equally as tight, nodding. "Let's do this."


End file.
